The Estranged

Trip Start Feb 10, 2006
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24
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Trip End May 31, 2006


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Flag of Argentina  ,
Friday, April 14, 2006

It's been a while since we've added a new entry. The truth is nothing much has happened. We´re still immersed in the clumsy haze where we know a transition is advancing, yet the burden of our routines is ever-present. A strange kind of order has settled in on our lives, and we can finally talk about some sort of "peace". It's not the complete signification of the word that I am trying to portray, but rather the underlying feeling that everything is taking its' defined course. It feels rather like the building of a sailboat: it still isn't finished to sail, but the hardships and confusions of engineering its assembly are over with.

I have come to sudden realizations that have affected my life so far, and even though this swift enlightment has not been of a benign nature, I am still struggling to understand and accept the facts presented before me, by some dark forgotten angle of my mind. I am done with barren relationships. I am done with the kind of people that don't contribute more than good laughs and good times. Everyone keeps the kind of relationships with other people that seem superficial and casual, but there always exists the deep knowledge that sharing your soul is not possible with that person. You may have deeper moments than others, but someone always grabs the safety net of gossiping, or joking, or flirting. The problem is when almost all you know are relationships like these.

I guess I am still trying to figure out what friendship is. I thought I knew, but I am still trying to find the truth: am I mistaken or am I on the right track? Am I wrong to seek for friendship in a place it clearly doesn't exist? Am I right to realize this and let go? Am I wrong for wanting more?

This may all sound confusing, but when you're estranged from a person whom you vowed never to forget, not because you're fond of empty promises, but because you truly feel how your nerves respond to that person, it's hard to let go and it's also hard to come forward. Because the way your body and every molecule of your being reacts to when that person laughs or when he cries, makes you realize that the very material of your soul is being shaken. And once its shaken, can you really go back?

Being estranged, although hard and unnecessary, doesn't always lead to the end. I am gripping to this thought, and although time is short and although I've stressed in correcting the situation, this may not be the moment. Simple as that. This may not be the moment to reach. This may not be the moment to search. This may not be the moment to want. I have understood this and come to terms with it, which does not mean I've forgotten.

If you're reading this, you know.
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