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The Balance
Entry 14 of 32 | show all | print this entry |
Totally unexpectedly and under circumstances I still don't comprehend, I moved out of my apartment yesterday, leaving my sister and her boyfriend there to live as planned. I grabbed what stuff I could and came to Ed's parents' place where I was welcomed with open arms. It felt nice to have someone welcome me home.
It was previously planned to move out eventually so that I could save the rent money and invest it on other stuff I need for the trip. The idea was to slowly move out and in April start living in Eduardo's place, but things abruptly changed course.
We fixed up my new room with the computer, the 5 speakers and the sub woofer for watching movies and listening to music. There's a small terrace just outside my room where I can soak up some sun as long as the weather is warm, or maybe read a book, or have a beer with Ed. My bed is very comfortable and Fina fixed it up with lots of sheets and thick covers just the way I like it.
After dinner we went back to my apartment and took the remaining things such as clothes, shoes, bathroom stuff, and any other remaining belongings. I realized after living for such a long time with my sister we have so many things we bought together and shared such as clothes, so it was hard to decide what to leave and what to take. I know I probably still left things behind and will most probably have to go back to fetch them, for example our black binder where we keep all our papers and trip documents (still don't know how I could've forgotten that)so I'm glad I decided at the last minute not to leave the key as I had originally planned.
Despite the fact that yesterday was an important day, I walked around in a haze most of the day, not sure what I was supposed to feel. Sure, I had planned things out like this but I had never expected them or wanted them to turn out this way. I was neither expecting nor wanting a blow out before I left, nor did I understand the true reason. So as we prepared my new room, I felt in shock, completely grateful for having a home to settle in for the next 2 months, yet still flabbergasted at the whole situation.
On our way back from my apartment, looking like two crazy bag people, Ed and I went to our home for the next two months. It was already 2am on a Saturday night, so I fixed myself my favorite drink, a Speed & raspberry Vodka, and Ed grabbed a couple of beers and we sat on the terrace. We talked for a long long time, balancing out our situation. Ed made a few points and reached some conclusions that, during a moment of weakness, I needed reassurance on again:
* We were about to go on an adventure, one we would remember for the rest of our lives.
* Many people so far had expressed their envy towards us when hearing about our plans so we were definitely doing something that other people would want for themselves.
* We have a serious, solid, caring, sharing, understanding, truthful, loving relationship that didn't come out of the blue, but was rather accomplished by hard work together.
* Romanticism aside, ours was not the kind of relationship that would rapidly fade away.
* We had somehow found the courage to leave everything and everyone behind to follow a path of individuality, resourcefulness, of learning and of growing.
* The choice we made was for us and us alone, as individuals and as a couple.
* We're intelligent, witty, and we go after what we want
Feeling down and unsure about where I was standing or what I was supposed to be feeling was not a nice place to be in. But after the initial shock of the day and the outcome of it all finally started sinking in. At the end of the day I was content with my actions. I did everything I said I would, no surprises or misleading promises.
I have always thought that there are many types of people in the world and it's hard to classify them. I have however found that there are those go about convinced, in all haughtiness and hard headedness, that their initial decisions and actions are always the correct ones without accepting a contradiction or another point of view. On the other hand, there are others in a more humble position that with every action and decision taken they examine it and break it up so that they are absolutely SURE that those choices cannot in any way be challenged because they are "universal choices". I consider myself the latter. Some people call it insecurity, I call it intelligence.
I believe the hardest task for humans on this planet aren't the basics: we've covered feeding ourselves, we've covered sheltering and clothing ourselves, we've covered technology, philosophy, art, etc. What we haven't mastered completely is how to appropriately cope and relate with other human beings. Not only have we not mastered it, but we find it difficult day after day to deal with other people, be it a cab driver, a co-worker, your boyfriend or your mother.
It is so hard to put one's feelings, emotions and principles aside when you're conversing, debating or discussing something with another person. But I've discovered that in some level, that is precisely what must be done if you want to be successful in your stance.
Last night it sank in that I had failed at this. As much as I had tried to be happy myself and make others happy by offering all I could give, that wasn't enough because it simply just isn't up to me to make someone else happy. I can't determine the happiness of another person. The more I repeated this in my head, the more it made sense. It seems so obvious now but in my quest for preventing all discomfort in other people, I discomforted myself. I had discovered what was pulling me so low these past weeks. Your effort isn't ever going to be have a positive effect if the other side is not willing...no matter how much you want it and how hard you try.
I don't feel like an idiot or a loser now, I just feel I made a point to myself and others. The only happiness that is worth my effort is my own.
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