The Changes

Things are happening so fast I feel I they are flashing before me without giving me a chance to realize it. Yesterday there was a brief moment during a meeting with my boss at work where I drifted off and realized in only 90 days I would be abandoning everything here. 90 days seems a very long time a few days ago, all of a sudden it seems like I don't have enough time. I haven't even told my entire family or all my friends I'm leaving yet. Not because I'm putting it off, but because I thought I had more time to plan the breaking of the news. Now I see how the changes that Eduardo and I provoked are taking place. It's definitely overwhelming, it's definitely scary, and I'm loving every second of it.

Lu and Pauli

This week has been an important week. My sister Paula and I had drifted away from each other over the past couple of months. I couldn't really say why, all I can say is that a difference in opinion sometimes makes all the difference. She had been having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am leaving, and became very stressed when considering her future living arrangements. We've lived together on our own for a little over 3 years and depended and supported each other on everything, so her discomfort was completely understandable. This had me extremely preoccupied, and despite our brief distance, I found my way back close to her and promised her I wouldn't leave without knowing she was all right. This of course was not a passive promise: I actively reinforced I would be the helping hand and the guiding force. So this week my sister and I found each other again. I realized how much I had missed her...

Pauli

Although I feel there are still things left unsaid between us, I see that things are finding its way and working out. This has relieved both of us and lightened our spirits and thus made our relationship tight again. We have a tough road ahead with planning and sorting things out, but I think the worse is over.

Yesterday we spent most of the night sifting through our things, deciding what we were going to keep and what we were going to throw out. In my case I was more strict on deciding, since the objective is to only keep what I'd be taking with me on my travels. It ended up being not a whole bunch of stuff, so I was amazed at how much space I liberated from our closet. It was surprising how easy it was to throw stuff out that I had been keeping for ages because I didn't have the heart to throw out. Like the typical pair of jeans or shirt that you haven't worn in over 3 years but you still keep in your closet because you've somewhat grown attached to it. I must admit I was worried I wouldn't be able to do it, since I tend to cling to stuff. Yet amazingly enough, from somewhere inside, came the will to easily discard unnecessary bulk. The fact that it had been hard to let go of things I didn't need is a ridiculous to me. I hope this has marked an end in this sort of behavior.

What I did keep however, and NEVER intended on throwing out or giving away are my books. Thankfully Paula agreed that no book should be thrown out, no matter how bad it was or what shape it was in. So my books will be kept in our library for the time I am gone. I will miss them but they are in the best care possible. Paula and I have always been ardent readers and have always been very proud of our library. There was a time we bought books faster than we could read them so they kept piling up in the shelves. I regret to leave unread books there but I know they'll be patiently waiting someday.

We also got rid of furniture we no longer wanted or used. At one point the apartment was so empty it almost felt like I was already moving out. But this morning the movers brought her boyfriends furniture, and thus began the moving in/moving out process. In less that 24 hours I saw how I practically moved out of the apartment and Paula's boyfriend, Ignacio, moved in. Although the three of us will be living together for the rest of my time in BA, it strangely feels like I no longer live there. Although I am still paying rent, and what little things I have left are there, I feel it's more Paula's apartment than it is mine. And in this feeling is where the change resides. I am now closer to knowing what it's like to not have a "home". Although Buenos Aires will always be my home, the essence of the journey I am about to embark on is stripped of the feeling of "home", as Eduardo and I plan on not being more than 6 months in one place. So I guess you can say I have one foot out the door. It feels weird....but I like it. It's the same sensation you get when you're about to board a plane, it's those same butterflies in your stomach, that same sense of quivering anticipation.

So it's been an important week. A hard week. A great week. I have been very up and down. I hate being so emotional sometimes. I think all women feel this at some point or another: no matter how happy and stable you are, you cry over things you do not understand or cannot explain about yourself. Eduardo has been incredibly supportive and he's there to keep me standing all the time. He's been so helpful with everything...I am truly lucky. His family has been great to me aswell. In a very short time they have made me feel comfortable in their environment, and we're relating with each other very smoothly.