Autobiography of a Yogi
Trip Start
Oct 30, 2007
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78
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Trip End
Ongoing
Ko Phangan,
Thailand
Thursday, January 29, 2009
AutobiographyYorron Hackmon | January 2009
"You are joy, looking for a way to express. It's not just that your purpose is joy, it is that you are joy. You are love and joy and freedom and clarity expressing. Energy-frolicking and eager-that's who you are. And so, if you're always reaching for alignment with that, you're always on your path, and your path will take you into all kinds of places"
- Abraham Hicks
Almost a decade ago, when visiting my family in Israel, I met my then 4 years old nephew Shalev (Hebrew for 'peaceful') for the first time. I was completely captivated by him. Everything about him was magical. Every movement he made, every sound he uttered, every look he gave, all seemed like a flawless manifestation of pure joy. I never saw a child like him before, even throughout my many years of working with children.
Astonished, I asked my mother: "Have you ever seen a miraculous child like him before?"
"Yes", she answered quickly, "You were exactly like him."
The sharp and intense pain I felt hearing her words took several years to subside. I did not remember being that kind of a child. I remembered being a mocked and persecuted child who always felt like he had to hide. I grew up being told by other kids that I was not good enough to play with them. That I was a sissy. That I did not fit.
And I didn't fit. When my contemporaries played outside I stayed at home studying and helping my mother with house chores. Never went on school trips or participated in sport events. Even among my own brothers I was an outcast.
That was the childhood I remembered, the childhood I couldn't wait for to end. When I turned 18, the first thing I did was to change my name. I wanted no trace of that child. I wanted to be someone else.
After meeting my nephew, however, I felt drawn to revisit that childhood, but this time I was armed with a different perspective. This time I was no longer seeing myself from the eyes of others, but remembering who I was from within.
Distant memories resurfaced and I begun seeing how several events in my childhood have transformed that remarkable child that I once was - the one astonished by the world, the one that loved everything and everyone, the one who did not understand why no one loved him and eventually believed that he was unlovable - into the unhappy adult that I became.
Looking backwards I can see how the path I have taken since that moment has been beautifully laid out for me. But from the narrow perspective of walking on that path, however, it did not feel like I was walking on a path at all. It felt more like I was wandering the desert at night. It is so lovely to reflect now and see how I was lovingly guided throughout this journey. I am very grateful for this realization.
- "I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know, with recipes telling us exactly what to do... I know, I know, you're gonna say 'How else can we learn, Kate?'"
- "No. Actually I wasn't gonna say that. What I was gonna say was that you know better than anyone. It's the recipes you create yourself that are the best."
From the film "No Reservations"
Meeting my nephew was not the only life altering event that took place during my mid-thirties. At least four other pivotal events occurred during that time, laying the foundations for a sharp turn in my life's path:
In August of 2000 I injured my knee and torn my cartilage in a volleyball game. The surgery I undertook only worsened the pain and a year of physical therapy yielded no results. At the advice of my chiropractor I started taking private yoga lessons and to my surprise the pain subsided quickly. When I was pain free I stopped practicing yoga but the pain rapidly returned. Reluctantly I returned to irregular yoga practice, which slowly and unexpectedly has developed into a rewarding spiritual journey.
Another turning point was the sudden and supposedly out of nowhere epiphany that "god" as I believed it to be --a third party personality with human traits, and whose my relationship with was based on appeasing him by doing "the right thing"-- did not actually exist. It happened on a business flight from Los Angeles back home to Rochester. All the sudden my perspective shifted and I realized that humans are not the center of this existence and that we were no different than the rotting leaves on the ground. It was an unpleasant and shocking epiphany that was hard for me to explain and to process.
I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said something like "One who has lost money lost a little. One who has lost friendship lost a lot. But the one who has lost faith lost everything." I certainly felt like I lost everything and not before long I fell into deep depression. Allopathic drugs and psychotherapy eased the pain, but did not heal. The healing begun when my dear Jewish friend Bethamy, who I previously thought shared my former belief and understanding of god, told me that she was actually an atheist, and that her morals and ethics came out of an internal choice rather than a commitment to an external entity. Through similar conversations with my dear friend Amy (also Jewish) I was introduced the world of meditation and the teachings of Jack Kornfield and Thich Naht Hann.
Third turning point begun a few months after turning 35. With the loving support of my friend Amy I decided to come out to my family about being gay. While we lived oceans apart, I still maintained regular communication with my mother and brothers. Knowing their Homophobic viewpoints, I expected the worst and was fully prepared to be disowned. After an initial accepting response (which resulted in my visit to Israel and meeting my nephew), it became clear that we had different understandings of what "accepting" means. A year after coming out I told me mother that I wanted to bring my boyfriend at the time to Israel with me for a visit. She told me not to do so, as she was "willing to carry the shame alone, but not to put it on display."
We did not communicate for about four years since that conversation. in October 2004, After attending the Landmark Forum in Toronto I realized that while I was accusing my family for being conditionally loving towards me, I was guilty of exactly the same "crime". As a result I contacted my family again, apologized for not being in touch, and suggested a new relationship committing to be unconditionally loving towards them, without asking for anything (including their unconditional acceptance) in return. The practice of unconditionally accepting those who did not accept me was, surprisingly, very rewarding. While the practice is still continuing, I am certainly seeing true unconditional love developing towards me by my family.
"It is the emptiness of the pot that holds what ever is inside."
Tao Te Ching
When I was a child my older brother Moshé came to me with our parents standing behind him. "We just want you to know", he threatened, "that if you ever do any drugs, we will kill you."
Funny as it may sound today, it kept me drug free till my mid thirties. The only drug I used before, acid, I did unknowingly (my roommate put it in my mouth telling me it was a new kind of a headache pill).
My friend Michael, who I admired for years, used to smoke marijuana. He often invited me to join him in smoking but I always refused. Until one day I accepted. I loved the experience and I have been using pot ever since. I found it to be a window to higher consciousness, an opportunity to peek into another viewpoint of reality. In the past few years I have used pot as a tool to relax my mind in meditation where I would empty my mind. It is through this practice that I begun receiving transmissions of information (such as "There is nothing wrong" and "Everything is possible and it's all good") that have guided me to where I am right now. In recent transmissions, however, the instruction was to stop marijuana usage with the promise that the communication will continue in due time. Somewhat unwillingly, I have accepted the instruction.
"Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
Rumi
Through kind self observation, meditation, yoga, and marijuana I was able to reflect upon my life and see how fear have led me to carve a path that never felt joyful to me: Not allowing myself to show vulnerability, I had many sexual partners but not any truly intimate relationships. Consumed with worries about the future I owned a moderately successful business but was not able to truly enjoy the freedom it offered me. I got sick so often I believed that my body is naturally weak and susceptible to disease. I was aggressive towards my relations and suspicious towards my employees. Afraid that I was not good enough I acted arrogantly. Afraid of harm I acted aggressively. Afraid of lack I was stingy in thought, speech and action. Compassionately, I could see all these patterns clearly and started a practice of letting go of fears.
As I was practicing letting go and gently resuscitating that lost childhood spirit, a new understanding of this life experience has been showing up in my experience. I begun seeing myself as a physical manifestation of a non-physical joyful source energy, coming to the physical domain for the purpose of continued expansion.
With this new understanding of this divine experience I have made many changes in my life. in a few short years, I sold the dream home I built in Rochester NY and moved to Los Angeles. In my last intimate relationship with Sean I reached deep levels of emotional intimacy, of loving wholeheartedly and feeling genuinely loved. Within the last two years I sold my business and all my possessions and started traveling the world.
And so, bit by bit, I've been reinventing my life and summoning new ideas to the kind of life I want to live: An aware life filled with appreciation and joy. A life of inspiration and expansion. A life of possibilities and dreams. A connected life, guided by unconditional love to all that is. I am still learning the summoning process, still effected and somewhat chained by childhood burn-marks, still often feeling unloved. There is a lot more of opening up, evolving and unfolding ahead of me. Nevertheless, I feel confident with this new direction, knowing that I'm inherently safe, abundant, equal, and that I'm always lovingly guided. My intention is reach a point in this lifetime of knowing with every aspect of my being that I am (and have always been) swimming in a sea of love. From my current standing, at the gates of the Pyramid, I am clearly on the path that will lead me there.
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
-T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"
___________________________________The Timeline
SEP 1965 Born in Jaffa, Israel, to Yosef and Regina Hackmon, religious Libyan Jews
who immigrated to Israel in the Fifties. When I was born, my parents
already had four children: Moshe, Yafa, Avi, and Tsion.
Although lived with my parents, I'm told that I was raised by our neighbor,
since my mother was taking care of sister Yafa and brother Avi,
who were hospitalized for a couple of years, diagnosed with FMF, a
genetic mutation disease that was incurable during those days.
1968 Sister Yafa and brother Avi die of FMF.
JUN 1968 Brother Haim is born.
FEB 1970 Brother Matti is born.
SEP 1971 A.D. Gordon Elementary School, Holon, Israel (Graduated JUL 1979)
OCT 1971 Brother David is born
SEP 1979 Makif Tel Giborim High School, Holon Israel. Industrial Design track
(Graduated with honors JUL 1983)
DEC 1980 Brother Tsion is killed as a solider in Lebanon.
Parents reduce religious observance significantly.
OCT 1983 College: Center for Technological Education, Holon Israel.
(Industrial design major. Minor in Education)
Finished two (out of four) years of study JUL 1985.
SEP 1984 Leaving home and moving to Tel Aviv.
SEP 1985 Three years of service in the IDF (Israeli Defense Force).
Duties included writer, editor, graphic designer and producer for the
IDF weekly magazine.
OCT 1988 Work as print journalist for a local newspaper.
JUN 1989 Immigration from Israel to London, UK. Work as waiter.
JAN 1990 Deportation from UK to Israel.
MAR 1990 Immigrating from Israel to Rochester, NY, USA.
Work as dishwasher, then waiter, then for Temple Brith Kodesh as Hebrew
teacher, religious educator, artist-in-residence in nursery school, and Director of the Jewish Art Workshop until 1997.
MAY 1995 Founded JudaicArtKits.com.
Kept business, which has expanded to three companies, for 13 years.
MAR 2000 Coming out to family
SEP 2005 Moving from Rochester, NY to Los Angeles, CA.
AUG 2007 Selling my company in order to pursue a different life path.
OCT 2007 Six months trip in Asia (Japan, Thailand, Cambodia, Malaysia, India)
JUN 2007 Three months visit to Israel.
NOV 2008 One month visit to Morocco.
JAN 2009 Leaving Los Angeles with the intention to immigrate to Morocco.
First stop: Thailand.
