Thoughts in the morning

Trip Start Feb 05, 2006
Trip End Jun 30, 2006

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Flag of Russian Federation  ,
Tuesday, February 28, 2006

my russian is improving. these days i can go to a market and have a conversation with the people there. in the dormitory, i live on the same floor with students from Azerbaijan, Turmkenistan and France. we try to communicate in Russian as much as possible.

last night Nikolaij and I played backgammon until 2 in the morning. I enjoy being with this guy. I don't know how old he is, maybe eighteen or nineteen. he doesn't like his study, economics, reads a lot about Wagner, Bismarck, Moltke. Fascinating conversations. He wants to learn German, so I teach him, he is constantly improving my Russian.

Through a tandem offer I met Alena. She invited me to her house the very first day, where I was integrated into the family at once. Her mom talked to me, asking me about everything, telling me about everything. Very joyful conversation although my Russian is not so fluent, yet. I took a picture of a huge glass of cucumbers. Everybody was laughing. Alena's sister already finished her studies in Spanish philology. Both of them very delightful and intelligent beings.

After the first shocks about Russian women in night clubs and school (always confuse the two), the last week brought many soothing experiences. After all, we shouldn't judge a nation by our own experience. This is a very idealistic approach. To judge is such a vital element of our education, of our breeding. I still find it hard not to judge. Even if i don't do it consciously, my subconsciousness will alway do it. at least have a try.

Baidi flew back to China. She is far away. Strangely enough, I feel closer to her. We are neighbors now. I'm thinking about the summer and how I'm getting to China. Should I travel there by land, visiting my friends in Georgia, Azerbaijan and Turkmenistan? (also crossing Afghanistan??). or should i just fly? flying is so convenient. going by land is such an adventure. many thoughts in my head.

still thinking about the company sometimes. it wasn't a waste of time to be there. just as it isn't a waste of time to be here. nothing is a waste of time if you can be alive for some moments while you are doing it.

here, i'm surrounded by business students. no prejudices, don't want to judge. my observation: career talk. "how old are you?", "what's your specialisation?", "how many languages do you speek?". maybe i am too sensitive. probably i am. i don't like to feel the mutual scanning. i don't want to be scanned and then put inside a little box. somehow i feel most of the business students do that with me. however, there are some delightful exceptions. like always. i should not forget, that i am still a business student as well.

my crazy head. this morning i woke up and thought about how it would be to study Russian and Chinese at University.

i practise to keep myself away from the thoughts of worry. Susanne told me to "make an appointment with the sorrow". meaning just to allow myself to be worried and full of sorrow at a certain time every week. the rest of the time should not be wasted. it should be used for other things. useful, creative things.

Kristof wrote me about the shallow boxes people live in. he's so right. i put myself in a shallow box during the last year, I didn't even notice. ever since i left stuttgart in december i was fully awake. every day now feels like i am woken up.

lack of security in my future. i don't know about it. i don't want to know. the security is not my friend. i have friends. you are the most important to me. you and my family. maybe in the last year i seemed to have forgotten about it. i didn't. there were just too many things to do with myself.

once i leave the business world, i gonna be fine. it's not the fault of the business world. it's not the fault of the people i study and work with. they are good people. i admire them. i admire them for the capability of doing what they are doing. being able to live life on such a straight line. being able to work every day from eight to eight.

life is filling my veins. i can feel it now. every morning is full of vigor. i want to do so many things. first, i study russian. russian russian russian. the language is such an interesting field. study irregular verbs. study inflected forms. study perfect and imperfective. if you think, german would be a difficult lanugage to learn, you sohuld really try russian. sometimes i want to give up. it is so hard, nobody can learn how to speak this fluently, i think. other times i feel it's so easy. i'm dancing through the vocabulary, the cases, the pre- and suffixes. wonderful language. it's all so fascinating, because it's all fascination.

i don't want to write about st. petersburg so much. surely, it is among the most beautiful cities in the world. buildings are bigger. streets are wider. colons are higher. the center of the city is so beautiful. i live inside the center so that sometimes i think that russia is like this. russia is not st petersburg. they even light the outsides of the houses at night. shops are open twenty four hours. there are horses galloping down the street. you can stop them and ask the horseman or horsewoman for a ride. you pay a little fee and get to ride through Peter on the back of a horse. quite an experience.

moreover you can stop any car on the street and ask the driver to take you somewhere. negotiate the fee beforehand. it is a cheap way of getting around.

on TV i saw a strange quiz show. a taxi is driving through Peter, picking up costumers. once the passenger enters, he is confronted with a play of lights and sounds. a camere is put into his face and the driver explains, that this is a traveling quiz show. he doesnt have to pay the cab-fee. NO! he can win money! :-). such a crazy thing. people drive home, step out of the car with 9000 rubles (300 dollars).

this place is crazy.

there are so many rules about everything. i read about the rules before, but i didn't imagine it to be so bad. there is a gate at our university. it is always open and represents a short cut to the city. however, the portal is guarded by a security. he will not let you go through. no matter what you tell him or how angry the look is on your face. you can ask him a million times:"why". he will tell you something about rules. because it is the rule. the rule. the rule. how many times i have heard this already.

today it's snowing. the weather has become warmer. i think now it's only minus ten degrees. mhm. i would like to be in the sun sometimes. can't have everything. glad to be so priviliged to spend some time in this wonderful place.
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