Killing Time

Trip Start Sep 06, 2004
Trip End Nov 23, 2004

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Flag of Ireland  ,
Monday, September 13, 2004

Monday I started to get sick. Sore throat and a slight fever. No racing around after jobs feeling like that. I dragged myself out to The Coffee Club (the GF-friendly place). Getting outside made me feel better, even without a shower and even though it was another cold day (better than Sunday though). I walked around town by myself for a while. I found the webcam place at last but there was only one computer with a camera and of course it was in use.

I also happened by a very large Catholic church and realized there was a weekday Mass just starting, so I went in. The sanctuary was full of devout older people. Wide pillars, cream-coloured paint, painted statues, the decor still quite plain. I snuck into a back pew. There were no hymn books, everyone just knew all the words to the short bursts of song and the recitations. Everyone also knew when to kneel. It was hard to hear the words because everyone was going at a slightly different speed. I followed along with a complete lack of understanding until they got to the Lord's Prayer. Even then, I'm pretty sure not everyone was saying it in English, and they stopped in the middle (after "Deliver me from evil") to go into something different. If they ever got back to finish the prayer, I missed it. Then everyone started to go up to receive Holy Communion, and I snuck out again, half an hour after I had gone in. (Why? Because I'm not confirmed as a Lutheran, let alone a Catholic; plus I can't eat the wafer anyway.) So my first church experience in Ireland was distinctly un-spiritual.

I returned to the hostel tired, and lay on my bunk for a while and read a book I had picked up at the book exchange shelf by the front desk. It's a science fiction thriller called The Second Angel by Philip Kerr. Later I went grocery shopping with Katherine. I found the GF section in the regular store. Still no fresh bread, and not much selection. The bread at The Coffee Club is yummy, but crumbly and a bit too sweet for sandwiches. There must be a place around here somewhere.

Back at the hostel, I talked to Arvin again on MSN. I'm still struggling with whether to stay. The five days I spent in Toronto were so intense and wonderful, because of my imminent departure of course, but even so.... I watch Katherine being single and lonely and pining after Ryan, and I think to myself that I do have someone whom I love very much, someone who loves me so much that he let me leave him alone for a long time to go do something I thought I wanted, someone who thinks I'm the most fantastic person in the world and vice versa. So what am I doing here when he's there?

On the other hand, what's keeping me here? Fear of having to start my "real" life and settle down when I get back, which is what drove me out here in the first place (talk about a bad reason for going...running away from the future...that was a stronger reason than the desire to travel). Knowing that I can only get this working visa for Ireland and Britain once in a lifetime. Knowing that it would be a bad idea to go back so early, having to face myself as well as everyone else who is so excited that I'm out here. I think I've sort of separated my actions here from Arvin in my mind. On the one hand, I'm wishing to be in Toronto with him; on the other hand, I'm existing here in Ireland and frustrated about not getting a job. I'm clearly in the wrong frame of mind to enjoy myself here.

Feeling exhausted, I went and had a nap. The evening was spent quietly, talking with Katherine, Joe Canadian, and Ryan over melted cheese sandwiches made out of the pre-packaged bread (brown bread, not bad). I finished off the day with more reading. Must be deprived lately; and it's a good escape too.
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