The CATalyst

Trip Start Jul 12, 2002
1
348
354
Trip End May 17, 2005


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Flag of Canada  , Alberta,
Saturday, May 21, 2005

About my trip: It was more than I ever could have imagined in all my wildest dreams...BUT, I had no idea what I was getting into. Sometimes it was almost too much. Highest highs show you lowest lows. I would even get overwhelmed and try to numb myself from it all. Honestly, it was so hard sometimes. I had to face a lot of truths. A lot of monsters. A lot of disappointment. A lot. Denial is one of the strongest demons that I know. I was pretty high so I had a long way to fall. I was raw and beyond shock when I hit my rock bottom. Disillusioned, I got so lost and felt so alone. Try as I might, I couldn't even see the flap of tomorrow and I have never been so afraid in my life. Growing terror became a constant with the rate at which despair and hopelessness were slaughtering my once "invincible spirit". I was so angry at myself for letting this happen, that the hate began to consume me. Now, I am mortified to admit that I even went past the point of even caring enough to end it.

But I learned. I found a strength I didn't know I had. I suppose it was little Cookie who did it. Because as horrible as I believed I was, I could not kill this animal. In my delirium, I realized that I may be crazy but I am not a bad person. I had a responsibility to take care of this being. Perhaps I don't know who I am but at least I am humane. I picked myself up and dragged myself through blindly. I mean, something (the will to live or let Cookie live...maybe I got mixed up...afterall, when you love something, doesn't it become part of you?) just took over me, automatically trying just to cover the very basics of life. I consciously made the decision to live. Then all of a sudden, with a sudden jolt, I woke up. Whoa! I shook my head furiously and screamed "WHAT was THAT!?!?!"
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