Unexpected Sadness

Trip Start Feb 21, 2007
1
4
48
Trip End Ongoing


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Flag of Canada  , Ontario,
Monday, February 26, 2007

I started unpacking some stuff last night. I was like a kid in a candy store, or at Christmas. So excited! Alot of our things have been in storage for so many years now, that I was pulling things out left, right and center, all; "oh! here's this painting, oh! I found the scarf I got in Hong Kong! Oh!...." and you get the picture. Jer was having a little bit of trouble concentrating on the lights he was trying to wire. It's funny, he still indulges me after all this time. I sure did pick the righgt guy b/c I can wear patience like nobody's business.

I hit a box marked DVD's. I started flipping though them and found "The Mission". My heart skipped a beat.I had forgotten to return it to Dan and now it was too late. It brought on all these feelings. Sadness to tell the truth. I have been missing Dan ever since he decided to leave us. Permanently. I stared at it. I held it hard in my hand, like somehow it would change something. He had lent it to me years ago. It was one of his favourite movies. I felt this big, huge lump growing in my throat. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. I'm not a crier. Don't cry. Okay, shit, cry. The tears wouldn't come. I willed them. Still nothing. I just sat and stared at the cover. Robert DeNiro stared back at me.

I came out of my reverie only to dive head first back into it. I remember when I heard the news. Stu, one of my best friends boyfriends called me the day it happened. Jen was too stricken so couldn't make the call. I thought it was a joke at first. I didn't want to believe it. I remember totally breaking down in Jer's lap and having a cry. A violent cry, heaving and gasping. Then it was over. Didn't last long and I think that was the only time I actually cried like that.

I started wondering. I always considered myself a strong person. Maybe too strong? I thought, am I really strong? Or just really adept at burying things? No, I'm not a burier. Then what? I'm a feeler. Majorly. I feel things to my very heart and soul. To the core. There were a few times on our travels that Jer went out of his way to shield my eyes from things he knew, if I saw, they would stay with me forever. The time he tried to steer me away from the dog with his head lopped off, lying on the streetside in Thailand.  He knew I would find a way to accept it, but I think he didn't want me to accept it. He just wanted to protect me, which never really came out in him until we started travelling together.  He didn't try to protect me from Dan's suicide. He wanted me to feel it, he wanted me to know how to deal with it. I wanted to know. It seemed a bit too easy. Shock was what i felt the most of. That's why I still wonder where I ever tucked those other feelings? 

Things stayed overcast in my mind for awhile, but I managed to crawl out of the darkness and get back to the light that shines for me. My light. People die. We wouldn't have life without death. I just hope he's finally at peace. Dan, I still have your favourite movie. I promise I'll hang on to it.......
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