Davros Tours

  Orange, France
Sunday, March 4, 2007

The Dedication
 
I work with a guy called Daktari. He thinks that what I look at is just a bunch of rocks. If only he had an idea. So Daktari, this story is dedicated to you
 
The Opening
 
Having spent a little bit of time with the Zento pair recently, I decided to take them on one of Uncle Davros's weekend trips to Europe. This is the story of when the Uncle took the Zentos away.
 
The Song
 
Travel all over the countryside
Ask the Uncle, ask the Uncle
Travel all over the countryside
Ask the Uncle Davros
 
Starring David as The Uncle

Orange 001 David

 
 
Special Guest Stars Lucia and Ed as Zento

Orange 002 Lucia

             

Orange 003 Ed

 












The Reason
 
Normally, my weekends are spent with Lucy, but she had manage to get a skiing trip to Chamonix with her work, and as I had nothing to do, I decided to look at flight options. I was talking to Zento, and as they have been in London and needed to get away, I offered my travel services for a cheap trip into France (for a fee of course !!! I can't help it, it's the Jew in me !!!). And as there was some different Roman ruins to see, a trip was planned, and then put into action.
 
The flight was your usual Ryanair, takeoff, fly, bounce down the runway. Once through customs, Hertz this time did not upgrade me. I think it was the fact that I was with two dodgy Argies on illegally gained EU passports !!! Note to self. It is better to travel with a bitsa called Lucy than an illegal called Lucia !!!
 
Les Arenas

Orange 006 Nimes

 
 
We drove straight to Nimes and got lost. Luckily for us, all roads head towards the centre, which is where the what I would call a coliseum is situated. Last time I was here, there was a road that went all the way around it, and you could see the pollution ripping it apart. Now half the road is gone. I think it is called progress !!! We dumped the car and entered. The price has gone up loads since I was last here, but I think it is to pay for the road !!! You also did get a listening device. WOW. The story was quite boring, but it was fun to run and climb all over it. Now, is it a coliseum. Realistically, a coliseum is circular, but this was more like two amphitheatres joined together, or so Lucia stated. Ed and I disagreed and took the majority vote and told her to jam it, we were right, but were we? We will never know. There was one bad thing. I was unable to get down to the ground and stand in the centre and belt out the Holy Grail. My life did not feel complete
 
Pont du Gard

Orange 035 Pont du Gard

 
Onto the autoroute in the direction of Avignon. We took the turnoff for the Pont, as I knew they would be impressed. We drove into the carpark. There was now a carpark !!! Things were different. There was also a visitors centre. They were also charging five Euros for the carpark. There's that god awful word again. PROGRESS. Now the Pont is impressive, it is the largest Roman aqueduct in France. I saw this a few years ago, and nothing has changed except of course the carpark and visitors centre !!! We climbed around it, just shooting. We watched the sun go down, and waited for the lights to come on, but I don't think the guy who pedals the bike to make the electricity work was working today, so we moved on.
 
Avignon
 
Lucia's words. This place is beautiful, and that was just  driving through the first gate !!! We parked and walked around. Dinner was moule and frites, washed down with three carafes of house wine. We all then sang a song, and there was only one song to sing
 
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Lucy
Happy birthday to you
 
Yes it was her birthday but Lucy was in a different part of France. Just think, it was only ten years ago we were celebrating in Paris. It only feels like yesterday. Fuck, I must be getting old !!!
 
After the singing had finished, Ed looked at me and said, in my life, I have experienced many different nationalities. Be it Argentinian, Belgique, French and Canadian, I now want to try an Australian. I looked at him and told him, that yes I am an attractive guy, but I don't bat for the otherside, so sorry but no is the answer. Lucia then piped up, well what the fuck did I bring my strapon for, I was hoping for some Aussie meat as well !!! After letting them both down gently by telling them that if any one was going to be the piece of ham in the sandwich, it was going to be Ed, we walked around and ended up at the Palais de Papes. We sat contemplating (them of Croque Monsouirs, me of solo sex), watching the moon being eaten by a shadow as tonight was a lunar eclipse. It was the first one I had seen. I was a virgin no longer. Fuck it felt good. I wish I had removed it years ago !!!
 
The Next Day

Luckily for me, Lucy packed my bag before she went away, as I awoke with the mother of all headaches. Apparently, losing your virginity does hurt as I found out !!! I found the panadols, dropped three, showered and grabbed the Zentos. Destination was Orange as there were more Roman buildings to see.
 
The Theatre

Orange 056 Theatre Seats

 
 
Ed saw a patisserie, so we pulled over and grabbed a load of croissants and pans for breakfast. They went down a treat. As usual, all roads lead to the centre of town, which was where the THEATRE was to be found. We paid, we entered, Lucia opened her mouth and asked, "is this a THEATRE or an amphitheatre"? The woman behind the counter explained that this was a THEATRE, an amphitheatre was two THEATRES together creating an oval shape and a coliseum was circular. Fuck it, the bitch was right, all I could think were Lucy's words, never doubt the word of Lucy. I mentioned this to Ed, and he said the same, never doubt the word of Lucia !!! Now this THEATRE, has the largest back wall built by the Romans still in existence. It is very impressive, but the seats have been rebuilt. Apparently, there use to be houses inside, attached to the backwall and Napoleon realising the history behind the THEATRE evicted the locals. This took 20 years. Once done, he had his boys set about restoring the THEATRE. They were pretty good at their jobs, as it was very impressive to look at. This time, I did manage to get up on the stage and belt out the only song that I ever sing. The Hunters and Collectors, The Holy Grail. This place was indeed worthy. On the way out, the counter lady told me how to get to the Arch de Triomph. It was pretty good, stuck in the middle of a round-a-bout. Comparing it to the ones we saw in Libya, it was better than the Marcus Aurelius one in Tripoli and more original than the one in Leptis Magna. And with that, the tour was over.
 
All that was left was to jump in the car and head back to Nimes airport. We did manage to see a Gendarme with what looked like a kind of radar/binoculars attached to his head, and as I was doing 150 K's at the time, I was breaking the speed limit. I wasn't pulled over down the road, so maybe a little letter from the French Police might appear in the mail at a later date.
 
And Finally
 
It had been a great weekend in France with the Zentos. They loved the guiding that I gave them, especially for the price. Would I go with them again, well yes I would. The only other problem I have is that Lucy will now see the photos, and I can see another Orange weekend in the future !!! And Daktari, I hope one day you wake up and realise, that the next rock you walk on, could have some historical significance about it.