Life is a long distance highway
Trip Start Jun 12, 2007
129Trip End Ongoing
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The last ten years has been a time for change, for growth and for reflection.
During this time, the most tragic and cruel twist of fate in my book I call life took place, but I am setting this aside in it's own special place while I write this. It was an event that couldn't be planned for, couldn't be understood and we're still struggling to understand what happened three years later, so I will leave that part untold.
As I was approaching my 30's I wrote a list of things to change before I was 40, this list consisted of:
Find the courage to leave my marriage
Find a job that I enjoy
Stop letting people irritate me over petty things
Learn how to say no to people
Find what is missing from my life
Try and let go of the past
There were some others too, but I'm choosing to leave them out. I write a list every year - approaching New Years Eve of things I want to change and things I want to do in the New Year - but also at every milestone birthday, a more long term one - I have memories of writing, even when I was much younger, I only wish I could remember now what my one aged 10 said, that would probably prove amusing - I'm guessing 'eat more chocolate' or something was likely on it!
When I look at my turning 30 list now I smile to myself and laugh - I was in complete turmoil and endlessly searching to try and fill the gap inside me that was forever niggling away at me that something was missing - maybe if I changed job, if I changed where I lived, if I made different friends, if I went here or went there, did this or that or found what my real purpose in life was, maybe then ....... I was so busy chasing my own tail, I really couldn't see that none of these things would make a scrap of difference. I didn't realise it at the time, but I had no idea of who I was or what I stood for.
Some people say that they don't feel any different at 40 than they did at 30 - well I do and wouldn't wish to swap it. Strangely, all the answers to all my questions were right here inside me, it just took a long time to realise it. Back then my life was plain old vanilla ice cream, now it's more like an ice cream sundae. Immediate thoughts are I am calmer, more rational, content, I'm not consumed by what other people think of me, I'm not afraid to be who I am at this moment in time, I love more, care more, give more, I don't limit myself mentally on what can be achieved, I don't accept bad relationships or bad situations anymore AND I don't have to try and be cool or impress anymore - I can just be me and what's more, bit by bit, with damned hard work and determination I've accomplished all but one of my turning 30 list (one that is not listed above).
Time has changed so much, I've made a new list now, this time though it's for posterity, so I can look back again when I'm 50 and laugh at my journey - mainly because I've discovered that life is a long distant highway with lots of twists and turns, you might think you know where you are going, but sometimes things happen that change that in an instant and suddenly you're driving on a new long distance highway.
Do I know who I am now? I hope not - life is an evolving mystery and I've learnt that what I want from life now will not be the same as what I want from life in ten years time, that much I trust, but for now I feel peaceful and at ease with the world.
Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.