An Unexpected Trip To The Doctor
Trip Start Jan 11, 2012
41Trip End Jun 20, 2012
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Last month I found a lump on my right breast. My first thought was "what the f--- is this!" Then a sinking feeling came over me that started in the pit of my stomach and worked its way through my spine, pure fear. I took a couple of deep breaths to ground myself then got quiet to listen to my body. "It's all okay" was the message I received. So I pulled myself together and put it in the background. Well several weeks later the lump was still there and a friend suggested I get it checked out. This is not how I planned to spend my "Year Of Living Outrageously."
A trip to the doctor is very, very unusual for me. I started looking for places on the internet and got completely overwhelmed. I didn't want to handle this alone, I was far too nervous, but I hadn't told Thomas because I didn't want him to worry
We talked on Saturday night and by 9:30am on Monday morning he had found a clinic with a free government program for testing, had arranged for Mecca to stay with our friend Cheryl, and had talked to our landlords about borrowing their car for the day. All I had to do was shower and dress.
At first I was going to tell Mecca we were having a date, but decided that was unfair. On date nights we are excited and happy and we were anything but that. I didn't want the words we were telling her not to match up with the energy that she was feeling from us. So I didn't give lots of details but I was honest so that she would be in the mix. Nothing worse than being told something you know is not the truth by the people you trust the most.
I held it together long enough to drop her off. By the time I got back in the car tears were streaming down my face. I sat back and surrendered to letting Thomas handle things.
My husband is the 'poster man' (he's certainly no boy) for handling this crisis. I am appreciating and enjoying his masculinity. He's taking care of business yet has been very present and loving with me.
I had a clinical breast exam, a mammogram and an ultrasound. After 3 hours at the clinic the tests were inconclusive. I have to go back in a couple of weeks for a needle biopsy. We were both disappointed. We thought I would leave the clinic with a clean bill of health, not an appointment for more testing.
Where am I now? Well, I made a decision that I will not spend the next couple of weeks terrified. I chose to come to Hawaii to live outrageously. Somehow, this all fits into my plan. And I have a six year old and a husband to take care of so I need to stay present with them.
Next, I've been cleaning up my diet. More fruits and vegetables, less sugar and a detox program. I want to create an environment for optimum health in my body. Most importantly, I have been spending more time in quiet contemplation. Communicating with my body and my higher self about what to do next.
I've noticed a few things in the past week: my heart is softer and more open. I am allowing myself to share and be supported by people who care for me. I feel stronger and clear. I feel an overwhelming appreciation for my life and my loved ones. And I feel a deep connection to God. I know that I am not walking through this alone and am fully supported by the seen and unseen forces of the universe.
2012 is my year for living outrageously--and this little bump in the road will not detract from that!