The Happy Toilets of Peru

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  Cusco, Peru
Monday, July 7, 2008

Warning: This entry may contain images of fecal matter.

It may come as no surprise to learn that there are a few, um, adjustments that people from first world countries need to make when they visit countries that do not share our wealth, greed, or general dedication to the capitalist philosophy. The first scare is probably going to be the random driving techniques that are standard on the roads over here, followed by the general absence of any public safety precautions - typified by live wires hanging from store entrances, manhole covers missing from the footpaths, or vertical roadside cliffs with no railings to prevent people or vehicles from falling over the edge.

Then there are the more mild surprises, such as computer keyboards that contain symbols we don´t recognise, or have the symbols placed in strange locations so that we can´t find without typing >ñ¡¿1|° several times first

Flushing toilet with kitchen tidy bin for paper

.

But when I prepare people for travels through Latin America, the very first thing I like to mention is the toilets. I trust that this article will prove a valuable reference for the many people who follow in my footsteps.

The first thing you need to know about toilets in South America is that the ones that flush - and fortunately these are the most common - must NOT, under any circumstances, have toilet paper placed in them. You attempt to flush toilet paper down a Latin American toilet, and you will block up the sewerage system to the entire building. Elegantly placed next to each toilet is a kitchen tidy bin, and this is where your soiled toilet paper needs to go. In private houses and hotels, this is something you easily adjust to after some initial embarassment, but I have found that people generally do not go through my bins to check how many bowel movements I´ve had that day, nor what colour my poos have been.

It does start to become a little less pleasant, however, when you are using a public flushing toilet in a popular marketplace, or where large crowds are likely to congregate. In these cases the little kitchen tidy bin is likely to be replaced by an open 44-gallon drum, which is perhaps half full of used toilet paper and slightly on the nose. The up side is that you can usually find these toilets even when you cannot see them, simply by using your sense of smell.

In the mountains there are communities that have no sewerage services at all, and here you will find what I call the ¨keyhole¨ toilets - so named because they consist of a cement plate with a keyhole shape missing from the middle, which sits over a deep hole dug into the ground

¨The Bag¨

. There is no pedestal as such, these toilets require a squatting position to be adopted by the user - however some assistance is provided in the form of two foot-shaped cement pieces, placed on either side of the keyhole, on which you apparently place your shoes to increase the likelihood of your droppings actually making their target, and falling down the hole rather than forming a steaming pile next to it. The good news is that you can throw your toilet paper down the hole as well, however a similar degree of accuracy is required to ensure that it actually gets down there.

My observations about keyhole toilets is that people do not have very good, backward-facing aiming skills, and that steaming piles abound in the vicinity of keyhole shaped cement plates. I am sorry to say that I do not have a photo of a keyhole toilet to show you; however that could be a good thing if you are reading this blog around meal times.

The final type of toilet I want to educate you about is my favourite, which I call ¨The Bag.¨ This has both an elevated pedestal and welcomes toilet paper, however it has neither a flush nor a hole to remove your metabolic creations from the view of family and friends. As the name suggests, hanging under the pedestal is a plastic bag, about 50 cm deep, and all your crap, toilet paper and urine marinates in there until the nice toilet bag man or woman comes and replaces the bag. The old one is then conveyed to an appropriate disposal location, usually on horseback. If this happens only once a week, for example, some users may prefer to hold off on visiting the toilet for the last 6 days of that period, and then be the first to use the new bag when it arrives.

Something else that I like about the ¨The Bag¨ is that it is usually located inside a tall, skinny tent. I often wonder what happens when the toilet is in use at a time when those strong, gusty mountain winds spring up . . .

I hope this has been a profoundly educational experience for you, and that it will help you to enjoy your next shit even more than you usually would.

Many sweet scents to you all,

Tony

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