THE UGLIEST AMERICAN: Cocktails Are Like Bullets

Trip Start Nov 04, 2006

Trip End Dec 03, 2006

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Flag of Guatemala San Pedro De Laguna, Guatemala
Wednesday, November 29, 2006

In the past few weeks, I have made several big money transactions with children under 10. I rented my kayak, twice from a 7 year old. I pay my 10 year old landlord $10 for rent every morning. I bought a shuttle ticket from a girl no older than 9. I purchased a beer from a 5 or 6 year old boy. These kids work from the second they are weaned off the nip. Here I am, flip flopping down the "path" (a San Pedro street)enjoying a nice buzz and some banana bread, and I come across this little boy, raking between coffee bushes miserably. This kid had obviously been busting his ass all day and I actually felt bad for him. You could tell he wished he was playing or doing ANYTHING else. He just sighed and kept raking in the heat. Just a little tale to make you feel better about your difficult lives.

Kids here are inquisitive and anxious to practice English. They are very friendly and trusting, and I quite like to hang out with them

01 Lesson Learned

. Work to them is just part of their lives, so any chance they get to be social they quite enjoy. The indigenous children are a bit shyer, until they try to sell you banana bread. You get all sorts of "sales pitches" from them. They´re so hungry, their mom made these bracelets, they start to "cry", "Why don´t you LIKE me?". Awesome. The kids are alright!

I finally got to yak to Santiago Atitlan, the lake was calmer and it was sunrise. Could not ask for a better paddle, at least on quietwater. Santiago doesn´t have the party atmosphere that San Pedro does. I spent a little over an hour walking the streets as the town woke up. There was a different vibe here, a little negative, to be honest. But this town in particular was the scene of a bloodbath in the Guatemala guerilla wars a few decades back. Everyone here is related to the many citizens who innocently lost their lives in the crossfire and they are still mistrustful of the government and foreigners. Well, the "kayak" valet dude was pretty friendly, but he kept trying to extract cash from me for all of his "services". He thought I paddled over early to see Maximon, the infamous celebrity of Santiago.

Maximon is this weird EVIL saint that these people worship on the lake. He is embodied in this weird scarecrow-like effigy that wears a cowboy hat and always has a cigarette in his mouth

02 Gypsy. What in the hell IS this thing?

. But they didn´t make him legs, it is so he can´t chase woman. He is very famous in Guatemala and on Easter, they drag him out to the public square to do a symbolic battle with a Jesus effigy in some ceremony that sounds right up my alley. Maximon is kept at different people´s houses throughout the year, but he is the number one tourist attraction in town. When you visit him, you must pay a fee, AND you must give him cigarettes and booze as an offering. To be honest, Maximon creeps me out, so I did not partake. But one of my friends here showed me her picture with him. Maximon, her, and a dude praying to him in the background. Nothing but smokes and booze all around them. Keee-razy. Google "Maximon" and try to see if you can find a picture of this disturbing Guate tradition. But beware, Maximon is watching.. .

Outside of yakking, I balked at hiking, biking, diving or ziplining. Just chilling, but really. . .waiting to return home. The F key on this computer is sticky, it is ucking gross!!

Last evening was the one you all were waiting for. The one you knew was going to happen:

Oddly enough, all day yesterday I kept bumping into people I´ve met a just about every stop on my trip

03 Tilted San Pedro Futbol Field

. Small flocking world. British Tony from Copan, North Carolinan Charles from La Ceiba-Jungle River, Coloradoan Caroline from Tikal, Jamie from Roatan, and a couple whom I met in Utila on my 5th pukey dive. They were all in San Pedro to party. And party is exactly what we did, along with some other mates from my stay here. Buddha Bar for starters (they played "Cold Beverage", small world indeed.) and then Barrio, both bars 50 steps from my door. 6 or 7 Mozas. Held it together, but feeling good. Cops came and closed Barrio, so we set up our own soiree on the other side of town. Up on the roof of someone´s hotel. Things got loud, and people complained, but the party didn´t stop. Beer ran out, vodka pineapple juices ran in. Bad idea. But the fiesta continued, ate some grubbin street food. Talked to Gandalf and the crazy hybrid dog beast on the street. (got a picture today) Then, things become sketchy. I was on the other end of town from my place, shooting the shit with a Brit named John, and another girl named Jamie. Spanish School students. Two Dutch guys joined us. The last thing I remember was trying to convince them of my age. (yeah I know) Then.. . blank.

Woke up this morning, late, hanging like a mofo. Pants still on. (thank god) The $13 I thought I had. . . missing (undoubtably at my own hands). The Rolling Stone I had was next to the toilet (I didn´t put it there)

04 San Pedro Volcan from Santiago

. There were 5 foreign beer bottles on my patio under the hammock. And there was a small dog on the floor of my hotel room. No shit. What kind of evening did I have? Apparently I had a party at my casa and have no recollection. Was it the Dutch Guys who brought the beer? How did I get home? Why do I continue being a dumbass? The dog had no answers. Old enough to know better, I hope to use those words in a sentence someday.

I also hope to be filled on last evening sometime this evening from the gang. And I hope to stay away from spirits for the remainder of this trip. Cocktails are bullets, people.

Other than my self induced amnesia, things are going copacetic on the lake here. Tomorrow, I make my way back to Antigua, where I will scale the Pacaya volcano, whose smoke plumes forebodingly in the distance. It will be a fitting, Tolkienesque conclusion to my journey. To peer straight into the very inferno that forged the taste of this delicious coffee in front of me. Now I just hope my guide knows about 2nd breakfast.. .

Peace Lava and Dog Napping.

TT

A big up to all those who have corresponded with me in the past few days, and props to those who have remained wisely silent.