THE UGLIEST AMERICAN: Let Sleeping Cats Lie

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  Roatan, Honduras
Monday, November 13, 2006

You know, I've been kicking the pirate stuff quite a
damn bit, but its not because I prefer my buckles
swashed, or the fact that many bikinis down here are
the size of eye patches, or because all I talk about
is "Aye". Roatan and Utila really do have a rich
pirate history. Roatan's Port Royal is the same town
Elizabeth and Will are from in the Pirate movie, the
most common surname on Utila is "Morgan", as in
Captain, as in Jaybird's drink|crutch|doom. The
coolest pirate fact about the Bay Islands is the
hidden treasure they hold buried underneath their white sands

01 Who's goin' chicken hunting?

.
But the only thing I am digging right now is the fact
that I'm sitting between heaven and hell. I am having
a beer at a small cantina that is next to a Garifuna
church and across from a debaucherous beach bar called
the Twisted Toucan. On one side, the sparse acapella
gospel stylings of a small island congregation, and on the
other side, the enebriated laughter of gringos being
drowned out by Gnarls Barkley. Does that make me
crazy? Possibly.

So it finally happened, I burned out on seafood.
Walking past a bar at the end of the strip, I saw this
large black dude named Nelson (possibly of the ADMIRAL
Nelsons, Jay?) grilling some seriass pork chops

02 Sun of a beach

. He
was a solid dude who called everybody "Captain" and
had about a million kids running around, dancing, and
throwing random things into the BBQ pit. Good food.
But I did find a place that has cheap shrimp tacos, so
I'm sure I will be back on the "boat" in no time.
Talk about a "fishes" circle!

I've made me peace with the rooster. Sure he woke me
up at 5am, sure he scared the B-Jesus out of me, but
he was just looking after his peeps and for that, I've
got nothing but love. I'm sure he'll be delicious as
well. From dreaded. . . to breaded.

Speaking of original recipe, the Scotch Bonnet hot
sauce down here is the biddily

04 Native sons diving boat

. I hope to bring some
back to those who are down with things like such.

So I'm a little bit homesick. Being on the move so
much has not allowed me to really gel with people as
much as I usually do. Besides a few brief exceptions
and some hormonal Hondurenas, I been rockin' it solo.
But that really is my only gripe. Everything else is
cool, I just miss Anna, and The Salad.

OK, somebody's got to say it out loud. . .What is up
with all the narcoleptic cats around this island??
It's like a snoozing kitty bomb exploded and Roatan is
Ground Cero!! But lazy puss is like pizza, . . .OK
that didn't make sense, but you get the idear.

04 They are everywhere!!

So MN politics! Looks like we'll have Pawlenty to
talk about when I return. Could've been worse, I
think I was the only one who could see the ruthless
villainy in Peter Hutchinson's eyes. A couple of
split votes and we could've been ear deep in Ethanol,
Y'all. Sorry, I was gettin "corny", yuk yuk.

It's been quite a humid week, I've been pretty much
LIVING with baby powder on Harry and the Hendersons.
But to that end I've been staying dryer than Tatooine
in the summer. (a little SW humor for my nerdy Jedi
Mistress) So why, with all this heat, do I have a sore
throat? Was is the SCUBA stuff? Was it the AC in my
La Ceiba hotel? Or maybe the toxic cloud of cigarette
smoke at the clubs? I don't know, but my voice sounds
like James Earl Jones. (another Vader reference for
you know who)

OK, someone needs to get the balls to start waking
these damn lazy cats up!!!

One love shipwreck

! I'm starting to get
annoyed. Angry roosters, feral dogs, and dozing
kitties. Why must my holiday be nothing more than a
humid exhibition of deviant zoology?

Speaking of exhibitionism, my cabin is nothing but
screen walls, giving my neighbors a disturbing view of
my baby powder applications.

Does anybody actually miss me yet? Yeah, well you
will after the SCUBA accident.

As some of you know, my backpack is booby trappd for
security. What you may not know is that I regularly
trip off the alarms by accident. Nothing like waking
up the neighbors because you let the alarm trigger
slip out of your greasy take-out chicken hands. Man,
is that rooster gonna be pissed when he reads THAT!
Hey, is ANYONE reading these? I've gotten little
feedback except for the Anti/Defamation League rant
about my Israeli commments. It's the crazy.

Last thing for now, Colin Fletcher is a god. It's a
bitch what happened to him.

Peace Love and when the castaway, the cats will lay,

TT

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