RE: To my future self
Trip Start Jun 13, 2008
18Trip End Dec 2008
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Then, I plan on leaving July 10 to Costa Rica. The plan was originally for June 13, but life being so dynamic and seemingly always in a state of flux. I post-poned my plans to help them out instead, because they have done so for me many times before.
Life isn't bad here, Its just fairly boring and really empty, Theres nothing going on, My heart hurts and somedays I have no passion, I'm just surviving, I'm surrounded by people who have just been broken by the world, their wives, their kids, their job, $ 4.00+ dollar per gallon gas, society, has taken everything from them. They drag themselves out of bed at 5 am and work 10 hour days, with nothing to look forward to. Regardless of age, they are stuck in a committed relationship with the life that has chosen them.
30 to 50 somethings, they are doomed to repeat the exact same day for another 25 years, with only the seasons changing and the aches and pains in there bones becoming more frequent & prolonged.
I have always feared becoming one of them, One of the people who only speaks of good times in the past tense, or Fondly relives the TV show/ movie/ Sports event they seen last night, Having never really lived themselves through there own eyes or personal experiences.
I find myself slowly converting to one of them, Society is slowly pressing harder on my shoulders, Telling me to give in, Stop resisting.
Sometimes, My will is weak. When I would have normally argued or spoken up, I now stay silent knowing that its not worth the effort.
I wanted to change the world, Now I just want to make it through the day, but not let the world of the 'rat race' change me.
I have sold most everything I own, and rather proud of it. I'm also some what embarrassed by having nothing ( House, car, etc..) but comfortable with the thought of having stable finances.
Everyone around me proudly boosts about there belongings, or there most recent purchases and how they spared no expense on there new this or that. Right after they complain about how they have to work 10 hours a day or else, increasingly, they cant make ends meet .
Our culture's materialism & easy credit has enslaved us in many different ways. Thus, our instant gratification, Dixie cup society is our new master.
Anyways, I guess I'll go back to the original intent of this email.
I have now reached my final month in the U.S of A. for awhile. BTW -A country which has been, as Dad always sayz, " America bean berry good 2 me ! ". I personally, will always LOVE it and 99% of americans. No matter who the President is or what the world thinks of it.
However, I find myself experiencing the same emptiness that first pushed me to such extremes as leaving everything I knew behind, from The very first time I started travelling abroad.
As a kid and a young teen, I cherish my thoughts of visiting Puerto Rico every Summer, "la Isla de mi nacimiento y encanto". Also, The cherished memories of Freeport, Bahamas. The friendly Canadian continent I have visited 7 different times through 3 different Provinces ( Saskatchewan, Alberta & Ontario ) and the Costa Rica. ( Playa de Coco/San Jose ) trip in July/August of 2003. Since then, it's been a long, 5 year, dry spell of minimal travelling due to other responsibilties and setbacks.
Lately, I'm noticing lil stress's that I used to be able to just shrug off or even laugh off are driving me nutty buddy, bad drivers the daily commute makes my blood pressure rise. Yady Yaddy, Yada
Everyone around me just complains, no ones happy, smiles have become exclusively available only at Macdonalds, KFC, Wendy's & sometimes Wal Mart..... LOL
I spend most days First dragging my ass outa bed, exhausted and sore from the previous day .My shoulder and back ache, This year more then ever.
I try to slowly work out and do my very best to get an extra couple of hours of sleep to help it heal or be pain free. Not that I am depressed, but bored by routine and lack of travelling adventures.
I however, always take setbacks as challenges in the same way as opportunities. I work through all situtations with a zest to be efficient in accomplishing a positive outcome for every scenario that comes my way on any given day.
However, more recurringly, I dwell on the past, having no real present just a day stuck in repeat. I Smile while reminiscing on the good times and sometimes catch myself dwelling on the bad too long.
I find myself getting overly worked up ~ stuck on issues that shouldn't be an issue As the days melt into weeks, I'm having trouble with my chronological clock of events.
Trouble Separating Monday from Thursday, April From September, Reality and dreams blend together, Whats real, Whats just a mental dillusion? Am I reading or writing into it to much? Or should I be reading between the , proverbial, lines? What am I trying trying to say??.... Feeling diagnolly parked in a Parallel universe....... BUT, Inherently, my attitude commands & prescribes solutions instead of becoming part of the perceived or present problems, universally faced by all inhabitants of this planet.
I've begun to question my motives, doubt myself, because My rut has become so normal, I'm working not to lose my perception & my passion. I know I'm soon free, from the fear of becoming weakened spirit. I invoke renewed strength by praying, working out and mentally challenging myself to maintain sanity by keeping humor and good rest as close allies.
It's sorta like an ole' dog who has been chained up for too many years, even once the chain has been broken he doesn't know what else to do so he stays around. Familiarity has become his permanent friend; Comfort a blessed curse.
That is why !
I hope when I read this entry, long after my true inspiration for life begins on July 10, 2008 in Costa Rica and beyond. When I finally will be released like a bird out of a cage to fly again. I will be reinvogarated by the same fever that fueled the ancient explorers. The same rush and drive that instictively takes over when the adventure begins and the long unwinding road of life is merges with a magicical highway that moves me Forward, like the mighty rivers of the world & the burning spirit that ignites this dream weaver.