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Rio de Janeiro,
Brazil
Saturday, August 11, 2007
On Tuesday we took great pleasure enjoying Spurs crash to a second straight defeat against Everton. I hate Spurs.
The day after the football was Joshs last full day before he returned home to go to uni. We spent the whole day on the beach to top his tan up for when he moves up to Manchester. That night so we went to Guapo Loco for all you can drink. Sounds good. The issues I had with this place were. 1) It cost my twice as much as Tori to get in. 2) The drinks we could drink were bear or Ciprinia both of which repulse me 3) It was full of English people. It was an ok night though.
I saw Josh off the next day I was sad. I then sat watching updates of the Arsenal game over the internet how exciting. We decided to leave his bed where it was for one more day, leaving it exactly how he left it like he'd died (Peep Show viewers will appreciate that more than other I expect.)
...............................................................................................................................................................The next night it was the big game. Flu Fla. I met my friend and we all squeezed our selves onto the Metro on the way to the stadium. We were greeted at the stadium by a samba band and a few hundred street vendors. The atmosphere was electric people dancing in the street I was so excited. There were 70,000 packed into the stadium this time around 55,000 fans of Flamengo. It didn't matter we still sang louder. Until the 42nd minute. A break away goal was tucked home by Maxi some terrible defending and the Young Flus were stunned into silence. In the second half it felt like I might be watching Arsenal Vs Blackburn. We had plenty of guile and an abundance of style and countless half chances in the second half but we couldn't breach the net. Despite flamengo have 2 players sent off. One of whom was a former Arsenal Youth Player, Juan, the other a former Flu favourite who refused to leave the field and was pushed off the pitch by two flu players. It was irritating all these chances going begging, we realised it was going to be one of those days. The huge centre forward Somaliá missed a guilt edged chance in the dying seconds but it was no use we lost. This was when I discovered 2 things about the Maracaná. 1) The exit system is terrible, it took 45 minutes to get out of the ground, unlike The Emirates and Nou Camp. 2) Never wear flip flops to a Rio derby. I almost lost one and had my foot trodden on about 20 times. I wasn't happy.
That is about everything my friends. I'm off to the beach.
Harry Hasselhoff
Soundtrack: The fray, How To Save A Life.
I shall start again with my News and Birthdays section.
The first person to celebrate a birthday in September is my aunty Viv (8th) Happy Birthday Viv I hope you have a good'n. Don't get too close to Dad because I'm sure he'll get you horrendously drunk. A talent rivalled by very few people is that of my house (and father in particular) and its (his) ability to make almost anybody completely legless. Even some of the greatest drinkers of our, the like of the mighty Hayden Bridger and John Dickie have been left without a hope after leaving from a famous night in the Waters residence. There are many bad things I have done in my life that my parents have forgiven me for I feel my lack of drinking throughout my teenage years and beyond somewhat disappointed my Dad. Never mind Bob has had drank enough for both of us over the years, and I guess my lack of drinking has kept his wine cellar in tact over the past few years.
Next up on the honours list and by far the most important is:
My Mum (9th) this year she will be in Latvia for her birthday as she is going over to do the decent thing and enforce out language upon them. More importantly however is the fact that she will in fact be, and I'm sure any of you who have met my Mum will be surprised to hear, 50 this year. So a massive happy birthday to you Mum and you'd better give me a Latvian phone number so I can at least call you and tease you for how old you are.
There aren't many people worthy of sharing a birthday with such a great woman (Mr Taplin sure as hell isn't, ginger moaner), however there is one:
Drew Walker (9th) shares a birthday with my Mum. So I'd like everyone at BLG to give him a massive birthday kiss from me and give him a damn good collection because if anyone deserves it, its him.
Next up on the list is Graham Ross (22nd) He's 21 . Gee Banger is like a brother to me so if any of you fuckers see him you'd best make sure he has a fucking good birthday.
There a couple of Ladies to whom I'd like to wish a happy birthday as well. Stacy Butel and Maxine Eke. Both of these lovely ladies are taking a step closer to 25 and therefore a step further away from being able to get away with acting like children. Although I doubt very much it will deter Stacy one little bit. Happy birthday girls.
Again if there's anyone I've missed off my fairly uncomprehensive list then please don't hesitate to drop me a line at the usual address. t he.big.h@hotmail.com . Oh I feel all "Going Live", take that Scofield.
My news section this week goes out to one of my oldest friends. Anna Simmonds, a huge congratulations to Anna for getting a first in Law from Durham University and also an award for being the Top student. It's not often you'll hear me praising people for being a geek but Anna has somehow managed to get a 1st and an award without being in anyway geeky. To be honest I've known her for 21 years or so and until my Mum passed on the news I didn't have a clue she was so intelligent so she must be cool.
Now what of my times here in Rio. First thing I feel my life has become somewhat more settled and in doing so my life has become a little more boring. I might pop down to the Favella's with my phone and camera to spice it up a bit. A friend of ours did something similar and had all of his valuables stolen along with his clothes. He was then forced to walk home through Rio in just his boxers. Shame.
Most of my time has been spent, unsurprisingly on Copacobana beach. I've discovered that swimming in the sea is in fact the most fun thing in the world. One problem with visiting the beach everyday however is Brazilian men have very well toned bodies with a nice tan. This has left me feeling massively insignificant. Not only am I (still) as skinny as ever but my tan is also rather weak in comparison to all the guys tat live here. So I have become hugely obsessed with "topping up" my tan. Tori has joined me in my obsession to bronze herself. On one particular day Tori had fallen asleep in the hot hot winter sun without any sun cream on at all. When we returned from the beach, to her horror, Tori had panda eyes. This came as a huge surprise to her as she had hardly worn her sunnies at all that day. It wasn't until a day or so later she realised it was nothing to do with her sun glasses it was more to do with the fact her eye cream she applies every morning has a sun protection factor of 8. It still brings me great joy every time I look at her as her tan is yet to fully even out.
On the subject of sun glasses, or the lack of them. Tori and I have created a new word for a lot of the girls in Rio. Now it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking everyone is beautiful here with their perfect bodies and lovely tans. There is one other factor however that keeps them looking so good and that is their liberal use of huge sunglasses to cover their hideous faces. These girls are now described as "Suggers" because when they take their sunnies off it becomes very apparent they are complete Uggers.
I used to hate the beach but I have developed my personality into one that loves the beach. I am still however very impatient and thanks mostly to TV and computer games my attention span is one far shorter than you average adult. I am easily bored basically. A great woman (my Nan) once told me only boring people get bored. If that is the case I must be one of the most boring people alive. I like reading on the beach but i find it very difficult to find a book stimulating enough to keep me involved for more than 20 minutes before I require some adverts to divert me, I also hate laying down reading, it's so uncomfortable. So to alleviate my boredom Tori either sends me to the sea or we play a bat and ball game. I love this game so do the kids from the favellas. On once occasion a number of the little oykes came over, in their second hand shorts tied together with string, and begged to play, being the kind hearted westerners we are we let them do so. They were nice enough lads, very polite and they didn't once try to rob us which came as a surprise because EVERYONE told us we were sure to get robbed in Rio and in particular on Copacobana beach. Touch wood this is yet to happen and I say to all those people, don't make judgements like that until you have visited Rio. If you're careful and take nothing of value then you won't get robbed and if you do it won't matter. Anyway, these kids were lovely and about the worst they did was ask for R$1 (25p) so they could buy some crack, I mean food. Instead of giving them money I just bought them a piece of fruit (an idea given to me by my great mainland friend Jasper) they were delighted. I really feel for the little fuckers but despite being hungry and hugely poor they are the happiest of kids I've ever seen. It makes you realise what a bunch of spoilt little rats all the kids are back at home. We really don't know how good we have it.
When I went to the supermarket (Hortifruit)to get the kids their fruit, I was met with one of the strangest sights I've ever seen. Bare in mind this is the place that shows Soap Operas throughout the day to its adoring customers. There was an elderly man, I'd say about 65, bashing away at his Keyboard and singing away like there was no tomorrow. Wow I though music to shop to, nice. I then realised he had a whole cru of groupies there with him. I counted 19. Each of whom was at least 70 all watching with intent as this stud muffin busted out the tunes to his crowd. It was pretty surreal to be honest and it encouraged me to shop quickly and get out. The music was vial and the smell of 19 split colostomy was filling the whole supermarket and making me feel quite ill.
I wanted to go to the football later that day but had to settle to watch it on TV as it kicked off at 21:30. Why on earth would they kick off so late I hear you ask. It's obvious isn't it?! The soap opera run until 21:30 and if the game is going to be on TV it'll just have to wait.
Something I noticed during the game was a fantastic innovation in football. The refs are equipped with a spray can. Not to pepper spray the stupid over paid wankers kicking the ball around, but to mark where the ball and the wall go during a free kick. To me this is genius as it prevent the players moving the ball out of place and the wall shuffling forward. The Brazilian FA put this idea to fifa but alas this is clearly far to logical to introduce to the world game and it was thrown out. So FIFA will change the offside rule 15 times a week but won't bring in a simple idea to make ref's lives a little easier. Idiots.
I've mentioned the antics of the Bus drivers in the past, on our way to watch the embarrassment that was Steve McLaren's England lose to the worst German side to take the field. In face I think it might have been the Blind German team. I digress. The bus drivers. We were in heavy traffic(surprise surprise) when we spotted the bus driver behind us jump out of his bus, climb onto the wheel of his mates bus and proceed to have a quick chat with him until the traffic started moving when he quickly jumped off the wheel and back into his own bus.
Aside my frequent tanning sessions and runs I have also gone to the extreme lengths, and this will surprise a lot of you, to join a gym, in an effort to make myself look just a little more palatable to the opposite sex. The moment my running shoes arrived I called my landlord and we went down to the gym and signed me up. My first big workout however left me injured the next morning as I was unable to straighten my left arm which was somewhat concerning but I'm sure full flexibility will return soon enough.
On the day my trainers arrived I went for my regular 07:00 run along the beach, however today I was a little late as I had spent some time on the internet chatting to Tommy I had then decided to make him a wee Video showing the beach. In the end I got out for my run at about 09:00 on my return leg up the beach I did something that would make any mother proud. I'm not the bravest of individuals nor am I the kindest or most loving person in the world but on this morning I realised I was at least a decent person. As I was running back up the beach I saw a woman standing looking out too sea with a reasonably horrified look on her face, I glanced across to sea a young lad, he can only have been 12 at the most, struggling to stay afloat. Without thinking about it, I threw down my MP3 player and swam out to drag him ashore, whilst I was swimming a part from praying that he was still concious because I was fucked if I was going to try and remember any year 7 St John ambulance first aid shit to bring him back from the dead, I was also (and this might sound a little silly) singing the theme tune to Bay Watch in my head as a kind of inspiration luckily for my it worked, I got hold of the kid and dragged him ashore, he was ok, a little shaken and out of breath but fine. I made sure he was ok he said Obrigado (thank you in Portuguese) then I picked up my MP3 player and ran back home. I've always thought that if I did something like that I would feel really good about myself, like some kind of hero, but I really didn't. It just felt like that was what had to be done so I did it and anyone in the same position would have done the same. I realised that fire fighters and cost guards do that everyday so really it was no biggy. I was knackered though and I have a new found respect for coast guards and the like.
Anyway I'm going to get some sleep now. Early start tomorrow, the gym is calling. Fingers crossed I'll be in the body beautiful cru soon an I'll look truly like the hoff next time I'm called into action.
Love to you all.
Send me some emails I need some gossip any gossip.
I'm sorry to bore you all with an update so soon after my previous one, I'm sure a number of you returning to work still haven't read last weeks message. I have however had a few fairly interesting days that I thought I'd give you all the pleasure of reading.
I have no new birthdays this week as I mentioned all of them in my last little update. On the news front things are also fairly sparse. To be honest I can't really think of anything so I shall leave you with a factoid, a conundrum and a query 2 of which are football related. We have Tori to thank for the factoid. It is the only club stadium in Britain to host a world cup Semi-Final is the soon to be former home of Everton, Goodison Park. My conundrum for you football fans is who is the only player to have played in (what are now called) League 2, League 1, The Premiership, The Champions League and The World Cup. Ohh that's a toughy and one which had me stumped for a little while. Answers on a postcard. My query to you all is of this wee "fact" I was given and something I found hard to believe. Did Einstein die a virgin? Now I know he wasn't the most attractive of Jews, sorry, individuals but even so he was a fucking genius and therefore likely to have had a little bit of cash and isn't that really all women are interested in at the end of the day? Come on Rooney and Colon, tell me she'd be with him after he rooted that horrendous looking hooker if he wasn't on 60 grand a week.
All this talk of sex leads me nicely into my next subject. Don't worry I'm not going to go into the details of my frankly non-existent sex life, well I just did. I have had plenty of offers, in fact about 5 or 6 a day but that's all that can be expected when you live smack bang in the middle of the red light district, I was even warned by my landlord to "Be careful of the girls around here." Great not only do I not know if anyone is genuinely interested in me but even if someone is then I'll think they're a hooker and run a mile. Anyway this could all have changed recently had I not had my wits about me. I'm not renowned for being the shyest of individuals when it comes to the opposite sex nor, in the past, have I been seen to be particularly picky. Tommy you may remember a classic night in the Lounge when, upon leaving, I commented that I wasn't sure if it was my moustache or that of the disgusting trout you had dragged me off, that was causing irritation on my top lip. In fact I'm sure Tommy and Brettos have a number of stories that would probably be best left for my wedding day. So it may come as a surprise to you all that when returning from the beach and entering the lift up to my apartment I was struck completely dumb when two stunning, leggy young individuals joined me in the lift and commented how attractive I looked, how they really liked tall guys and how I should play Volley Ball. They then invited me up to their room for some "fun". I literally couldn't speak. I went bright red all over (I was only partially dressed due to just returning from the beach) and suddenly the lift felt hotter and smaller than it really was. The main reason for me not being able to respond to these two in short skirts and skimpy tops wasn't the fact I was feeling shy nor the fact that they were probably hookers. As I've previously mentioned I had become quite accustomed by now to passing compliments from ladies of the night. This would normally be a dream come true for any man, single or otherwise, 2 leggy blondes offering him a good time up in their apartment, tell me a man that could resit it. The main reason the cat got my tongue in this instance was the fact these beauties each had a rather enormous bulge inside their skirts. Yes they were men and luckily for me I'd clocked it nice and early. To my delight the lift stopped on my floor and I scurried off feeling rather flushed. All I can say is I'm glad I turned down the Cipirinia on the beach 20 minutes earlier or this could be a whole different story, I am going to be very careful the next time I get drunk.
I got back and was quickly bored so I returned to the beach. Bugger me (perhaps not the most appropriate turn of phrase considering my recent encounter) it was windy. I made my way over to the only 3 vaguely attractive looking females and threw down my towel and sun glasses and went for a swim. After being destroyed by the waves for a little while I decided it was time to return to my space on the beach. I don't really like sand. I find it gets everywhere and it really irritates me. Being on a beach there is sand everywhere and with the wind blowing like it was it was already sticking to me and aggravating me. I crouched down and took around 5 minutes to place my towel so I was lined up with the sun. I placed the sun cream in one corner my tee shirt in another and a flip flop in each of the remaining corners then I slowly lowered myself just as I was about to touch By this time it was however too late and I plonkend my saturated body straight into the sand, much to the delight of the 3 girls watching nearby. Luckily I had realised by now they were a cru of "Suggers" so I wasn't particularly fussed about their opinion, I was however fussed that I was now covered in sand and I had to go and chase my beach utensils to prevent them getting any closer to Leme (the next beach along) when I finally gathered my belongings I decided it was time to go home so I rinsed off in the sea and returned to my building in a foul mood. What a delight it was when I was greeted about 5 yards from the door by one of my admirers from earlier that day. I decided to take the stairs to avoid the lift like before, only this time (s)he followed me up, I thought better of going along my floor because I didn't want to give any clues as to where I could be stalked so I went up a further 2 flights. (S)He then followed me along the corridor until i stood outside what I was pretending to be my apartment. I'm guessing (s)he had payed no attention to which floor I had left the lift previously.
"Oh shit" I said, "I've forgotten my keys, Looks like I'll have to wait until my friend gets home, I'm off back to the beach." I went back down stairs and Lola (a name I decided upon after listening to The Kinks later that day) went up to her apartment. Hopefully that'll be the last I see of her/him, (s)he scares me quite a lot.
I realised later I had made the school boy error of leaving my sunnies on too long on the beach and now had panda eyes to match Toris. I think my main reason for leaving them on however was valid as I had seen the hairy woman from the week before, she's one of those people I just couldn't help but stare at. It's disgusting but you're still drawn to look in sheer amazement at how vial it is. It's just like when a really ugly person is in a bar, or a burns victim walks past. You just can't help but stare. She is so hairy, but it's all been bleached by the sun so its wiry yellow hair poking out of her tong bikini. It's a well known fact I'm not the least hairy individual in the rectal region, people have in fact mistaken me mooning for a cat trapped between two very small rocks. I'm quite proud of my rug, but unlike the monster that was laying opposite me on the beach I tend to keep my well kempt "bush" under wraps until I am drunk or feeling particularly offensive towards those I know, I'd never treat the beautiful people of Copacobana to an eye full.
Enough about hair, I'm sure I've repulsed you to a fairly large degree.
Something now that could have gone in my news section, this may come as a surprise to any of you who know her, Tori has taken up running. The pressures of all the beautiful people seem to have penetrated her formerly impenetrable skin. Despite receiving countless offers from men from perhaps the sleaziest, most forward nation in the world she has cracked, So every evening she goes on a 7k run down Copacobana beach. I must say I was impressed. Mostly because not only has she run in the ridiculous 27 degree heat at 21:00 but also in the pissing rain, it seems to be working as well. The rain is not something we've seen too often I'll admit but there does seem to be a pattern in the weather emerging. We tend to have 5 days of glorious sunshine followed by a sunny day with a bit of wind, followed by a fairly grey/rainy day. It's something I can live with when the temperature has only hit the treacherous lows of 16 degrees on one occasion in our 7 weeks here.
After my run ins with Hairy McArsealot and Lola Largedick I decided I had earned myself a day of retail therapy. That and the fact my ear phone fell out every time I took a step with my left leg. Which becomes annoying when running to and from the gym, then whilst on various machines. So on my list were new earphones a pair of jeans and a protein shake of some variety to help improve my scraggy, boney, underweight, weedy physique's chance of growing even slightly. I even bought into some hippy pills which claim to help the Growth hormones along. I'll probably wake up in a month with 7 testicles 1 eye and a face like the elephant man but what the hey, I bought it from a place called green world (Mundo Verde) so it hopefully won't have too many long term effects. So I popped into the office to drop off some materials used in my last class and bought me some Beefcake 3000. On the way to the tube station there is a huge market selling a number of obviously stolen items ranging from watches to iPods. This was where I decided upon my new ear phones. They are hooky around the ear types which wouldn't fall out whilst running. What I didn't take into account was they are orange. Bright orange and they have a really sticky out bit. Now this would be fine if A. They went with any of my clothes and B. I didn't have such stupidly large ears which now have massive amounts off attention drawn to them due to, not only the music and the colour surrounding them but also the fact I have a terrible habit of singing along with my music no matter whether I'm on the tube, in the street or on the beach. Good one Harry, now all I need to do is find something to show off my incredibly long and pointy nose and my stupidly over sized cock and I'll have a complete set.
My day of shopping however wasn't complete I was yet to purchase some new jeans. I decided to take a trip to Carioca and as my luck would have it the Levis shop was having a sale so I got myself some lovely new 501's for about 30 quid. Not only that but they were in fact the first pair of 32 trousers I've ever bought that actually fit without a belt. Marvellous. I like my new jeans.
After my tiring day I just wanted to go to sleep but I was still to go to the gym and eat some dinner. I duly obliged with the former and returned home in the pissing rain. I then went out to get some veg for a stir fry. Hortifruit as I have mentioned in previous communications is out supermarket of choice, we have 5 within spitting distance but none with the massive variety of a normal market and the staff of Waitrose. It's simply delightful. I did however forget to get milk and later decided to pop to Sendas which is a little closer than Horitfruit but is I'm afraid about as good as the ASDA in Kingsthorpe. Errghh. It makes me sick. Full of scum and the staff simply don't care about you in there, they don't even pack your bags. For Christ sake they even pack your bags in fucking Bolivia and they are the poorest c*nts in the continent. So I've gone in for milk and I decided hey, why not pick up some water, it'll save us drinking out of the toilet again. (We have never drunk from the toilet). I got to the counter and decided to go into the fast counter which is priority for the older generation and those with disabilities, I decided that my lack of Portuguese was enough so I went in that line, instead of queuing behind the woman with her trolley completely laden with various food items from across the store. I just had one woman with one carton of milk. In and out I thought. I think you can see what's coming. The woman in front of me was one of those old women who shouldn't be allowed out, she's the reason these lanes are invented too keep them away from normal society. Any woman of the third age who has any marbles left doesn't mind getting into a normal queue nor do they spend a full 10 minutes trying to pay for some milk. 10 minutes I was stuck behind this doddering old twat I couldn't even tell her to hurry up or understand what she was hassling the poor checkout with I just had to stand their fuming. Don't think I am getting at her entire generation, both of my grand mothers are both into their 70's and both are still completely 100% sane and normal. They are in fact absolute legends. My Nan and Grandma are what keep me from chastising a whole generation of people. Then there are the few that I'm sure do it deliberately just to annoy us because we're younger, more attractive and clearly have somewhere to be. I think the main portion of the annoying ones tend not to have any grand children. These are the ones who should be banned, by law if necessary, from leaving their homes. On the other hand however they do give me something to aspire to when I grow up.
Ok so ageist rant complete and a second blog in a week finished I'm off to the gym.
You'll have another glorious football report to look forward to when I can next be bothered to write something as I'm going to another Derby on Sunday, I'll be sure to wear proper shoes this time.
Peace and Fucking
Hxx
