. So you can imagine my amazement when we arrived to see a huge mansion house with traditional stonework walls and a beautiful garden and even a swimming pool! It looked like something out of Grand Designs. Inside the house was immaculate and the right blend of modern home and rustic farmhouse. On the ground floor, there were corner sofas, beautiful paintings, a dining table and an ultra modern kitchen that even had a microwave in it! Wow! Upstairs, there were three beautiful bedrooms, a TV room and a gorgeous balcony. The whole time, Valerie and I were just looking at each other in absolute amazement. How could this house be just across the fence from Crazy Bob’s?! But it wasn’t even just her own house that was beautiful, Kay and her husband had also converted an old house at the bottom of their garden into a beautifully traditional Australian villa which they were about to rent out. It didn’t even have any sodding furniture in it but it was still nicer than Crazy Bob’s. To be fair, a rubbish dump with a blanket for company would have been better than Crazy Bob’s.
Kay invited us all in for coffee, real coffee, made with a peculator, not wood shavings and gave us all miniature chocolate cakes she’d baked herself. We sat and ate on the veranda in the sunshine and I thought how nice it was. If only she was a help exchange host Valerie and I thought sadly
. Kay had asked Crazy Bob to help fell some deadened trees with his chainsaw. As he was sawing away with great vigour, I couldn’t help but think of 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ and stood well back. Does that make me evil? Oh probably. Crazy Bob then drove off in his ‘utility’ (Yesterday I called it a pickup truck and he’d taken great exception to it, telling me to stop using American slang. Sigh). Valerie and I went to see Kay’s horse Monique in the field and as we were standing there, we both concluded that neither of us could actually face going back to Crazy Bob’s house. It was only one o’clock and the thought of an afternoon listening to his inane stories about trees, or worse still, another compulsory trip to the jungle was not a welcome prospect. So we decided to go for a walk instead.
Valerie told me that on her first night at Crazy Bob’s he’d taken her to see Gaylee, a German neighbour who had built an ashram just up the road after being summoned to do so by God one day. So she’d built this amazing place but had never got it up and running as ‘spirtual accommodation.’ It was deep within the rainforest and unfortunately for us, Valerie couldn’t remember where it was. So we went for a meander and ended up heading down Bacon Road. Confused and pretty warm in the afternoon, we literally stumbled across a large house in the middle of nowhere
. Its owners were Stacy and Drew who lived there with their 14 month year old daughter Etta and dog Rusty. Stacy was truly lovely and even though she couldn’t help us with directions, she was really generous and invited us in for a cup of tea and a chat. She even had a surprising amount of sympathy for us being holed up at Crazy Bob’s house and said she wished she could offer us some accommodation. Even she as his neighbour thought he was majorly crazy and avoided him as much as possible, mostly because of his obsession with the moon. Who knows, maybe she is actually a werewolf? Put it this way, Valerie and I never had any desire to hang around and find out. Stacy felt so sorry for us that she gave us chocolate cookies in freezer bags to smuggle into the house that we could eat so we wouldn’t starve on our meagre dinner. I had honestly never felt like such a hobo in my entire life, can you imagine?! She even felt so sorry for us that she drove us to the ashram in the rainforest to see it. It was like a little pixie village with quaint terracotta coloured dorms and outhouses, all lying there completely derelict and in pristine condition. It was really odd. Stacy even drove us home to save us the walk, it was so refreshing to meet some people in the country who were actually normal. We were slightly worried that Crazy Bob might be a bit annoyed that we’d meandered off but he seemed pretty chilled when we returned. Nothing rarely bothered him really. When we arrived, we decided to make ourselves some bread and cheese to eat, a relative luxury
. Crazy Bob was sitting ‘thinking’ on the veranda and was within earshot of the kitchen when Valerie was cutting the cheese and said in a loud whisper ‘I’ve been eating this same block of cheese for two weeks now’ and for some reason, we both found this completely and utterly hilarious beyond belief and tried miserably to cover up our laughter. But Crazy Bob didn’t even care, I think he was honestly living on Planet Zog which happens to be full of trees…
Dinner was the best I’d had in the whole time I’d been there. Crazy Bob surpassed himself with tuna, rice, carrot, onion, boiled potato and tomato ketchup (at least I think it was ketchup, I’m not entirely sure) During mealtimes, Crazy Bob had this really odd habit of making these strange noises while he ate. The only way to describe them would be like erotic moaning, lots of ‘mmmmmms’ and ‘ahhhhhhhs’ and what have you. At first, it completely freaked me out but I gradually got used to it, in the same way I adapted to using the outdoor bog I suppose. It was also at our last meal that we learnt that Bob had had a prostitute staying as a visitor in his house and his ‘girlfriend’ was a twenty six year old Taiwanese girl?! But by this stage, nothing really surprised me anymore in this madhouse…!
After dinner, I was still absolutely starving, there had been barely been enough for the three of us to eat. Valerie told me she often dreamt of Big Macs and at 4am in the morning, she had been so hungry she’d got up and raided the fridge for Smartbuy Fruit Cake. Desperate times indeed. Even I have been dreaming of MacDonalds and I rarely even go. While Bob was having a shower, I snuck into Valerie’s room and literally stuffed my face with the chocolate cookies that Stacy had given us. I cannot describe how good they tasted after three days of sodding lentils.
However, I still went to bed hungry and dreaming of steak and chips. Sob.
Last full day in Crazy Bob's jungle. Broke the news to him yesterday morning that I thought it best for my own sanity if I returned to civilisation. He took it rather well, considering I’d only arrived two days previously. I think he was secretly holding out hope I think that I would return to the jungle and this softened the blow somewhat. My morning was improved greatly when Crazy Bob neighbour called Kay called asking for some help with some things round her place. This meant that Valerie and I could have whatever we wanted for breakfast! Feeling rebellious, we used the kettle AND the toaster! Not sure I mentioned this previously but Crazy Bob wouldn’t let us use any of the appliances in the kitchen because they used up too much electricity. So after having some of Valerie’s rationed coffee, not the $1 Smartbuy coffee that we were normally subjected to that tasted of mouldy pencil sharpenings, we decided to go and visit Kay’s house. As much as I hate to admit, I fully expected her to be completely deranged and living in a glorified mud hut