Shimla - If you cant beat em.....
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Shimla,
Himachal Pradesh,
India
Saturday, July 19, 2008
They come at the crack of dawn, when your weary and at the junction of thought that edges its way between sleep and rational functioning of the mind and body, when sleep still resides in the cracks of your eyes, your body aches from the 1950's issued bus seats that resemble some kind of aryan torture device, speaking plainly at this time in the morning (5.30am) when your bus strolls.....ok rumbles into the bus depot, all you want is a nice sit down and a cup of fucking tea.
Shimla, let me explain to you is a mountain based town roughly 2000ft from the levelling of the sea, as a result and as you'd come to expect it continues on an upwards descent up a great big bloody hill.. This brings about a healthy business for the local bag wallahs who literally bounce against the windows hollering their prices at you before the bus has even halted to a stop.
"100 rupees sir!!!!!!!" "no mr sir he has a bad leg 120 rupees fastest time cheapest hotel sir!!!"
"250 room sir best hot water always clean sir!!!"
And well multiple this by a dozen and there you have a visual image of what happens when the bag wallahs "bag" (ugh what a cliche) a tourist. This was their first and last mistake, oh them boys been messing with the wrong tourist sir, allow me to explain.
Times had changed since i had first stumbled out of the arrivals lounge into the roaring sun at bombay international, id been here just shy of six weeks, i and i are one, i am a veteran traveller of the esteemed kind, bag wallahs, HA! i sweep them off like flies.
Well mostly.
After a period of time travelling you begin to adapt in your own unique manner, a method of whereby you deal with the afforementioned pains in the rectum. Bag wallahs touts and anyone who falls under the umbrella term of "scummy con man who wants to steal everything but your 3 day worn boxers". Allow me to bead these pearls of wisdom into a necklace of knowledge for your ever grateful selfs:
1 - Dont take it personally, its their job afterall and a poorly paid one at that
2 - These guys see it all as a game, if you let them wind you up, they LOVE IT, and will wind you up even more.
3 - Innovate, one of my principles of life. Taboo's, the norm, this is the way things are, and were and hence shall always be. Thats aload of tosh sunshine! I've always reasoned i was born several colours short of a rainbow but ive always used this to my advantage, im not what you'd classify as "normal" and therefore make no effort to act or behave this way.
People are geniunely shocked when you do something that isnt considered a "sensible" or "logical" action or reaction, it leaves them at a complete loss as to how to proceed.
More importantly with the above mentioned subjects, it grasps away the emphasis of control that they once had over you (i.e. "oooh your in a scary new place far away from home and its quite dark and your laiden with heavy bags.......here is my price).
These lads expect travel weary, bed craving wallet flashing tourists, either that or the type of tourist who tries to use aggression as a tool of negotiation, and yet when you get angry you lose control at that very instance. What they do not expect to find at precisely half 5 in the morning is my good self having a bit of a dance to Dizzy Rascal whilst freestyling to the local early risers.
The bag wallahs and touts from where i write, in Reikkeish expected easy pickings, they got a bear hug and an offer to sit down have a cup of chai and discuss the price whilst we chilled to the sounds of Boards of Canada. Dumbfounded. Utterly.
My rickshaw driver in Manali did not expect me to solve a traffic jam by leaning out the window shouting "this is how we roll my nizzles!!!" whilst emploring the driver to "ave it!!!". Get angry with a rickshaw driver over a fare and save 5 rupees, that rickshaw driver's hatred for tourists grows and festers. Accordingly his prices will go up over time.
But teach a rickshaw driver how to throw a few gang signs and emphasis that "we dont fook aboot", and you've given that rickshaw driver a sense of understanding between two differant cultures, a bridge of humour over a river of confusion that will earn him tips from bewildered tourists for years to come.
Give me a moment to descend from my high horse, a second to dismantle my soap box. I realise how up mesen i sound when i read this back. Well thats because i am . And yet it works, it works so well. If you cant beat em, join em. Confuse em and run rings round em, have a bit of a dance, give em a hug and offer em a cup of chai. Bish bash bosh, sorted.
Oh yes Shimla. It was very English, lots of raj-esque gentlemen in suits and umbrellas and briefcases, i ate lots explored lots and drank copious amounts of cheap whisky and coke with new found indian friends and a couple of english guys and a lass from belgium. Shimla was utterly surreal, like being back in a 18th century home counties town, if i knew what one looked like, this would be it. Church spires and billards and cricket. I read lots of stephen fry.
I stayed for four days, i missed the sweat confusion and hustle and bustle of "real" indian towns and cities, Shimla is a lovely place, but its primarily for the indian middle class to go on holiday to convince themselves that they are infact, well who knows, answers on a postcard.
Stewart, slayer of bag wallahs, dancer of dizzy rascals, bear hugger of touts. xxxxxxx
