The Death of a ´Stache and Birth of a Script

Trip Start Feb 22, 2007
Trip End Aug 22, 2007

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Wednesday, July 4, 2007

A week ago, I was surfing TSN´s website for new NHL signings (Glen Sather should join Muckler in Shady Pines, by the way) when I noticed something in the ´TSN Broadband` section.

¨No, no, no,¨ I said out loud. Concerned, Sara asked me what was wrong. ¨I think Schultzy shaved his ´stache,¨ I replied in a panic.

Like many of you non-sports fans, Sara had no idea what I was talking about. But for those of you who like sports (or just moustaches for that matter), you know how devastating this event was. Chris Schultz is a man who should be filming milk commercials for Christ's sake. Or was, I guess.

Now, I´m predicting this recreant act will prove to be the worst career move since Felicity cut her hair. But, you can´t blame Chris Schultz, a myriad of factors were working against him. 

First of all, I think TSN has instituted some kind of corporate policy banning moustaches. In the last few years, Glen Suiter, Rod Black and Darren Dreger have all shaved their upper lips. Just kidding, I only mentioned Dreger because wouldn´t a moustache be the perfect compliment to his act?

You know how people are told to imagine the audience naked when they´re nervous? Dreger has just the opposite look on camera, almost like he wants the audience to imagine him naked.  I think a moustache is all he needs to supplant Bob McKenzie as Canada´s preeminent Hockey Insider. 

Also working against Schultz is the moustache´s continual decline in popular culture. Everybody´s going under the razor. Alex Trebek, Cheech Marin, Rosie O´Donnell, the list goes on and on. 

Tom Selleck´s lost his flavour-saver multiple times, but perhaps more disturbing is what he´s doing now. Recently, I saw him on Boston Legal with a goatee. I´m fine with that. What I found particularly problematic was his love interest appeared to be Candice Bergen and worse yet, he was getting shut down. You´re telling me that the defining sex symbol of the `80s can´t land a 61 year-old Murphy Brown?  A moustachioed Magnum would never let this happen.

Finally, Schultz might have ditched the soup-strainer because he felt betrayed by it. After all,  he was 22 games under .500 picking NFL games last season. So, he didn´t want to do it, he just felt he had to.

I can picture him blubbering in his bathroom mirror, razor quivering in his hand as he tried to get himself together. Talking to his lifelong friend, ¨You know this is your fault, don´t you?  It didn´t have to be this way.¨ 

But lucky for Schultzy, I´m coming to the rescue. Short of him murdering Jim Van Horne for his moustache, this is all that can save his career. What is it, you ask?

Well, it`s a script for a 2-minute item to be aired on the Sportscentre preceding his first Risky Business of the season. This piece will make fun of his miserable record picking NFL games last year, while getting people excited for the selections to come. The audience will respect him for mentioning his failures, but more, for his humility.  

Why am I taking time out of my holiday to do him this favour? Because I believe he´s hands down the most entertaining analyst on Canadian television and the only one with a sense of humour about himself. Or at least I hope he has a sense of humour. If not, he could literally crush my head in his meaty palm.  

So, without further delay, the television event of the year:

------------------------------------------------------------ ---------

Starts with The Dean of Canadian Sports Commentators in his interview chair.

(By the way, did Brian Williams just start calling himself that and wait for the title to stick? ¨Brian, you´re on in 5 minutes¨ ...¨That´s the Dean of Canadian Sports Commentators to you, never call me Brian again.¨ or ¨Who told you the Dean likes whole wheat bagels? Take it back and go easy on the cream cheese this time.¨  

Either way, I chose Brian Williams because he´s, well, the Dean of Canadian Sports  Commentators, and the 2010 Winter Olympics are still a while away, so it´s time for TSN to start getting some value out of that big, fat contract.)

Brian Williams: "Last year was a tough on you, wasn't it Chris?"
Chris Schultz (fighting away tears): "I just couldn't pick ´em, Brian, I couldn't pick 'em."
BW: "22 games under .500. Is that why you shaved the moustache?"
Schultz: "Yeah (sighs). I was desperate. TSN told me they were going to bring back Norm Hitzges.¨ 
BW (looking at his papers): ¨And it says here, you tried a career change?"
Schultz: ¨That´s right.¨


Lloyd Robertson (or alternative CTV anchor): "And now, here´s Chris Schultz with your 
5 day forecast..."
Schultz (in front of a big board with 3 bright yellow suns over FRI, SAT, SUN): 
"Break out the beach towels and suntan lotion Canada, it's gonna be one hot weekend!!"     
QUICK CUT: (Sound up of thunder crackling). Quick shots of lighting bolts, rain falling, water filling the streets, trees getting knocked down by the gusting wind.

eTalk Daily graphic flashes across the screen.
Tanya Kim´s standing on set (date key reads May 3rd) 

Tanya:  ¨Over the weekend we sent our own Chris Schultz for a chat with party girls Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Chris, what´s the scoop?¨ 
Schultz:  ¨Thanks Tanya. I had heart to hearts with these girls and I´m telling you, they´ve matured, I don´t see any more trouble in their futures. I´m predicting great summers for the both of them.¨

QUICK CUT:  Sound up of Paris escorted to jail, cut to picture of Lindsay Lohan passed out in a car.


Cory Woron (in a hospital gown and headcap): "So, you're sure you know how to do this?"
Schultz (in doctor's mask, snapping on rubber gloves): "Sure, I've delivered all 3 of my children myself."
  (PICTURES OF CHRIS' 3 CHILDREN FLASH ACROSS SCREEN: An older boy with a moustache, a younger boy with a moustache, then a cute little girl with a moustache.)
Schultz (camera positioned as if it's in the womb): "Push, Push!!!" 

(Sound up: Woman screams, you hear a baby cry)
Schultz (holding up baby): "It's a girl!"
Woron (nudges Schultz, clears his throat and points at baby's crotch)
Schultz: "I mean, it's a boy!!"  

----BACK TO INTERVIEW----------------

BW: "So, after all that, what made you come back and pick games on TSN this year?"
Schultz: "Let's just say I got some help from an old friend."
CUT TO: (TSN's MAGGIE THE MONKEY spinning a wheel with NFL teams on it. Schultz is looking on, smiling)
Schultz: "I have a feeling this year will be different Brian....I really do."
End with shot of Schultz hugging Maggie the Monkey 

-----the end------------------------

Okay, perhaps ¨TV event of the year¨ was overstating it, but I had to conform to TSN`s broadcasting standards and practices. They are Canada's Sport's Leader after all. And I`m charging nothing for it, it`s absolutely free. Call it a ¨Thank you for not firing me¨ gift.  

Actually, I do want one thing. How would Dreger feel about a moustache? Could we at least ask him?  
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