NHL PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS (an abuse of this blog)
Trip Start Feb 22, 2007
27Trip End Aug 22, 2007
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I haven´t been able to watch hockey for the past 2 months. Usually this would be difficult for me, but since the Bruins once again missed the playoffs, I´m just fine with it. However, I´m still in shock that Dave Lewis got a vote of confidence and will be back in Boston next year. He´s not exactly a master motivator. Even with his Hitler ´stache, he can´t seem to inspire Marco Sturm´s German ass.
Anyway, since I have no idea what´s going on in the NHL, I´ve traveled to a remote Peruvian village in search of a Shaman who could tell me, and now you, who the eventual 2007 Stanley Cup champion will be. I would make the picks myself, but I´m scared I´d suffer the embarassment of being defeated by a monkey or something. Oh right, that happens every year on TSN.
So, I walk into a dark hut in the jungle. The shaman welcomes me, then takes a long sip of his Ayahuasca, a mind altering drug made from vines in the Amazon Rainforest. This allows him to enter a spiritual world where he can see visions and sometimes predict the future.
(1) Sabres vs (8) Islanders
Shaman: ¨I see a young man sobbing into his hands. Another chubbier red-headed man consoles this man and they both hug into the night.....and now, I see what appears to be a native american man putting the moves on Carol Alt.¨
Translation: I can only assume the shaman saw Joe and Owen in a sad embrace after the Leafs were knocked out of the playoffs. The other vision is more obvious, but I don´t see Ted Nolan´s latest motivational tool working. 4-1 SABRES
(2) Devils vs (7) Lightning
Shaman: ¨I do not care for this type of language. This is a very bad man.¨
Translation: That can only mean John Tortorella is dropping F-Bombs like only he can. The Fonz must be going down.
(3) Thrashers vs (6) Rangers
Shaman: ¨I see a happy fat man.¨
Me: ¨Hey, now.¨
Shaman: ¨No, not you, fatter and somehow, less intelligent.¨
Translation: Don Waddell is an idiot. Here´s a guy who for the U.S. Olympic team last year passed up Ryan Miller for the likes of Rick Dipietro (ughh), Robert Esche (what?) and I´m not kidding, John Grahame (no way). Inside sources also tell me he cast the movie Wild Hogs. But he traded the farm for Tkachuk and Zhitnik and will be rewarded with a series win. A despondent Sean Avery will then spend the summer slapping around local orphans to get rid of his left-over aggression.
(4) Senators vs (5) Penguins
Shaman: ¨Oh, this is very sad indeed. I see an old man staring blankly at his cream of wheat as a nurse brings him medicine.¨
Translation: The most disappointing franchise in sports is in for a house cleaning this summer. Muckler moves into the Shady Pines retirement home while video coach Tim Pattyson sleeps his way to the top and takes over as GM. 4-3 PENGUINS
(1) Red Wings vs (8) Flames
Shaman: ¨This is odd, I don´t see a rink, I see a man selling women´s shoes.
Translation: Jim Playfair returns to his old job at Lady Footlocker. 4-2 WINGS
(2) Ducks vs (7) Wild
Shaman: (erupts into hearty chuckle)....¨In my village, we are allowed many wives. This is not so in your country?¨
Translation: Not in Edmonton at least. The Oilers loss is Anaheim´s gain. 4-2 DUCKS
(3) Canucks vs (6 ) Stars
Shaman: (suddenly grabs his neck, drops to floor and does not get up. The shaman has tragically choked to death).
Translation: First he kills the Shaman, then Marty Turco will once again go on to kill his Stars in the postseason. 4-2 CANUCKS
(4) Predators vs (5) Sharks
Shaman: (spits out blood, gets up on one knee and looks around before once again grabbing his neck and dropping for the final time).
Translation: Looks like Big Joe´s playoff woes will also continue. 4-3 PREDATORS
With the shaman gone, I´m now forced to drink his magical potion (it´s actually the same shit Ed Belfour downed before getting thrown in the drunk tank) and I now start to have visions.
(1) Sabres vs (5) Penguins
Shaman Steve: ¨What is this? Sidney Crosby appears to be moving very sluggishly.¨ Translation: Crosby inevitably gets slowed down by too many hand-jobs from the NHL on TSN crew. Sid the Kid will have to wait another year. 4-2 SABRES
(2) Devils vs (3) Thrashers
Translation: Claude Julien is officially put on suicide watch.
(1) Red Wings vs (4) Predators
Shaman Steve: ¨This whole concept is getting a bit old. Isn´t this a travel blog?¨
Translation: In a match-up of the wonkiest groins in the league, Dominik Hasek´s outlasts Peter Forsberg´s. 4-3 WINGS
(2) Ducks vs (3) Canucks
Shaman Steve: ¨I see starving story editors when Anaheim wins yet another series, postponing Brian Burke´s inevitable return to TSN. When there´s no one to buy pizza, Big Show resorts to cannibalism and eats Dan Salem.¨
Translation: 4-2 DUCKS
(1) Sabres vs (2) Devils
Shaman Steve: ¨In a surprising move, Lou Lamoriello rehires Larry Robinson, then shockingly stabs him in chest to motivate his club. Lamoriello hides the murder weapon in the same place he stashed Alexander Mogilny.
Translation: 4-3 DEVILS
(1) Red Wings vs (2) Ducks
Shaman Steve: The Todd Bertuzzi trade finally pays dividends when Bertuzzi beats Teemu Selanne into a coma. Insult is added to the injury when Selanne is in such bad shape that Vladimir Konstantitov is able to steal his wife.
Translation: 4-1 WINGS
STANLEY CUP FINAL
(1) Wings vs (2) Devils
Shaman Steve: I see Bob McKenzie finishing a meatball sub, wiping off his chin, then making the following point on air: "While everything was about how teams were built for the ¨New NHL¨ last year, a rematch of the the 1995 Stanley Cup Finals proves that the ¨New NHL¨ is very much the same as the old one. It´s not the rules that dictate who wins and loses, but the managers who put these teams together and Lou Lamoriello and Ken Holland are two of the best in the game. For Sportscentre, I´m Bob McKenzie." (Camera stops rolling) ¨Did anyone see my milkshake...where´s my milkshake?¨
Translation: WINGS WIN STANLEY CUP IN 6 GAMES