Bogota Hotels
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Juan Valdez's secret love affair with his donkey
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STEVE SAYS...
Sara and I arrive to the Bogota airport at 8:30 pm on Thursday, Feb. 22. Sorry to disappoint, but O'Toole's predicted cavity search didn't happen...we'll save that treat for the return home from Colombia in August.
We're met at the airport by Manuel and his girlfriend Laura. Backstory: Manuel got totally screwed in an exchange program almost 10 years ago. While 2 kids from Canada got to go to Rio De Janeiro and Buenos Aires, Manuel and a Brazilian guy named Victor got shipped up to Leaf Rapids, MB, a town of 1,500 people that's 12 hours north of Winnipeg... and is also my hometown.
Manuel informs me that my spanish name is Esteban and I immediately take to it. While Steve is a balding 26 year-old with limited to no success with the ladies, Esteban is a smooth spanish lover who wines, dines and dances the night away with random hot babes.
My reverie is ruined just hours later when we hit the bar. I'm a bad dancer in Canada, but on the South American floors, where everyone's shaking it, I move about as well as Steve Moore.
However, as a plus, Colombian music is surprisingly dirty, with my two particular favourite songs being "hundelo, hundelo hundelo" (translation: stick it in, stick it in, stick it in) and "en cuatro," a song that involves ladies getting on all fours. Manuel and his friends also make it a point to teach us the dirty spanish words first, the best one being "Hijue puta," or "son of a whore."
The next day Manuel's brother Rafael takes us on a tour of Bogota. Rafael was also in Canada for 1 year. He says he didn't even know how to play soccer when he arrived in Winnipeg, but because he was a Colombian, the coach immediately made him the captain. Rafael says he mesmerized all the guys on his team just by moving his hips, tricking everyone into believing he was great at soccer. Then in the big game, he immediately slid hard into an opposing player's leg, earning him a suspension and preserving his legacy.
Anyway, we're walking downtown when we see a human statue, a guy who's painted head to toe in gold and only moves when money is put into his jar. I give him 200 pesos (2000 pesos equals $1 CDN) and he dances, then shakes my hand, turning it completely golden as well. So already down one hand, I'm walking in a market when I feel something wet hit me on the ear. At first I think it's bird shit, but when I wipe it off with my free hand, I discover it's a slimy loogie. So now I have one hand covered in gold and the other in dirty saliva. Suddenly, an old woman comes running at me, muttering something in spanish, in what was, no doubt, part 2 of her plan to get my wallet. The scam is on! I cover up my pockets with my elbows and quickly head for a less congested area. Ahh, "Bienvenidos a Colombia!!!!"
That night, Manuel and I reminisce about his year of high school in Leaf Rapids. He shows me photos and I'm saddened to find out that in his 1 year in my hometown he made more friends, had more fun and slept with more chicks than I did in almost 20 years in Leaf. Damn it, Esteban would have never let this happen.
On Saturday, we hit the bars again (Bogota's nightlife is incredible). Instead of ordering your own drinks, in Colombia, you all split on a bottle of rum. After drinking one, we decide it'll be cheaper to buy the next bottle at the supermarket. So here we are, drinking on the streets of Bogota at 2am in the morning, how awesome is that. As you can see Frank, I'm taking great care of your daughter.
For the Ottawa guys, who already know a man who goes by the name of "Mr. Invincible," the second bottle of rum was downed by his Spanish counterpart "Senor Berraco." But it was more like "Senor Barracho," which sounds similar, but means "drunk off your ass" in spanish.
On Monday, we meet up with my other friend from Colombia, Hector, who I met in university (Sidenote: I'm pretty sure I did better than him with the ladies. Ahh, nevermind, who am I kidding). He and his brother take us to the Alpina Cheese Factory in the countryside. I drink yogurt, eat many different kinds of cheese and have two desserts with "arequipe" on it, an amazingly sweet spread that's also milk based. Moments after eating all this, I finally understand why Sean gave up dairy in university.
So after a 10-minute pit stop (at least), we hit some of the surrounding villages. They're all beautiful. In one of them, Sara and I are interviewed by Colombian television. Actually, in the first week in Colombia we were also interviewed by El Tiempo, Bogota's largest newspaper, and a pack of university students. Needless to say, two big gringos aren't going unnoticed in little-traveled Colombia.
I thought I did a good job in this particular TV interview, but Sara (hot-shot TV producer who claims she knows how to pick clips), said in so many words, that I was about as interesting as a 4-minute SC segment with Brian Williams.
In the interview, the reporter asks what spanish words I've learned..... "Umm... Hijue Puta!!!"
-----DISCLAIMER-----Steve may not have been clever enough to think of this at the time of interview and in reality, thought of it moments later....gotta hate when that happens----------------------
We ended the day by going to a small coffee shop, where Hector and his brother prompted me to get the Colombian specially "Aqua de panella." They bring it out and sure enough, it's served with a block of farmer's cheese (Sean's cramping up just reading this story).
I don't know why I'm focusing on a cheese factory that gave me the runs, when Colombia has so many great things to see and do. And I'm not just talking about a trip to Hector's farm. We've been to a giant cathedral that's buried under the earth in a salt mine, visited a museum full of ancient gold and went to Monserrate, a beautiful, tranquil church on top of a mountain that overlooks the city.
We even went to the Fernando Botero Art Museum, a famous painter who pretty much just draws every day things, but really fat. Fat men, fat women, fat horses, fat fruit (no, I don't mean Elton John), even a fat skeleton, a fat Mona Lisa and a fat Jesus. I wonder if when he gets an idea, he says to himself, "Fernando, you genius you, you've done it again... I'll draw Shakira, only, I'll make her fat. Cha-Ching."
Actually, I'm starting to resemble a Botero painting. The food here is unbelievably good. Fresh fruits, many of them indigenous to Colombia, huge avocados, big chunks of meat and of course, the cheese.
Colombia is in no way as dangerous as its reputation would suggest and I can't say enough about how friendly everyone's been since we got here. Even the lady who spit on me had refreshingly minty breath.
Hope all of you are well, please stay tuned for the next update: Will Sara and Steve make it over the Colombian border safely, will Steve clog a toilet in Quito, or will he end up in a Bolivian jail with horny prisoners shouting "hundelo, hundelo, hundelo," and does anybody care? It's all next time on "Dos Gringos."
SARA SAYS....
Ah yes, Esteban. Give Steve some Bravas (a beer here with 6.5% alcohol) and suddenly it's Saturday Night Fever. Actually, the girlfriend has been the one most called on the most to dance - the most embarrassing time was when a very drunk Colombian pulled me onto an empty dance floor, saying "Yo tengo una gringa" (I have a gringa!) Luckily, no good picture of this moment exists.
(Sidenote: I really should have learned salsa with Yves in Washington)
If you've made it this far and you're still interested in more on our trip to Colombia, you can check out our Flickr site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sbrunetti/
#1 disclaimer: This is where I'm storing photos so there are a lot of them there.
#2 disclaimer: We've been lucky enough to be staying at Manuel's place, where we can use his Mac. Now that we're moving onto Internet cafes, I can't guarantee the same level of quantity in other locations. (Again, not sure anyone really cares... I'm sure the only person checking out each photo is my dad)
#3 disclaimer: I was working on the Flickr site while Steve wrote his email, an expansive tale of our trip so far. The only thing I'll add is that you should come to Colombia. Look beyond the headlines and enjoy being the only tourist around... even if there's a chance someone could spit on you.
Latest Comments (7)
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i ama good looking woman looking for a man with (reply)
Jan 25, 2008 07:39 EST by anna12
i ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman looking for a man withi ama good looking woman... show all
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Suerte ! (reply)
Mar 26, 2007 10:00 EST by calfat
Great to hear from you...first entry was a fun way to start the week. Glad to see things are going OK. Very tempting to follow up on your suggestion to see Colombia... Suerte !
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hey there! (reply)
Mar 8, 2007 20:23 EST by suemac
hey guys, just a quick hello from mike, sue, nicholas and matthew. glad to hear you are having fun and staying safe. sara, mike's surgery went well and he is now at home recuperating. take care, sue
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Soo good (reply)
Mar 5, 2007 15:25 EST by julieclow
I laughed...I cried...it was better than some crappy musical.
Seriously though Steve - once you start eating that much cheese regularly, your body will adjust. Persevere!!!
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You expected me to be the first.... (reply)
Mar 4, 2007 23:38 EST by frankob
Hey Steve & Sara: Very interesting information on your first entry. But remember - be nice to me in your tales. I could be the guy bailing you out of trouble in a few months. Have fun and be safe. Dad
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| 1. | Juan Valdez's secret love affair with his donkey - Bogota, Colombia Feb 25, 2007 (  16 ) (  7 ) |
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