Trip Start Aug 25, 2013
Trip End Ongoing

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Flag of Canada  , British Columbia,
Monday, October 21, 2013

So I'm working on an update for y'all. But in the meantime, I was sent a hilarious email today by my good friend Jones, that I want to share with you (with permission).

It pretty accurately reflects how difficult it is to get a job here, even one that you're hideously overqualified for. Employers want 5 - 10 years experience preferably in the exact job they're advertising for, and with qualifications that I'm not even sure exist (degree in being a paralegal?!?).

Two years in Australia is a good stint in a job. Not in Canada. Even a two year working visa with two years possible extension isn't long enough. Canada wants your soul...

It may not be as funny to y'all out there if you haven't read a billion job ads that sound very similar to it... but it made me snort out loud today at my desk.

Without further ado... the talented Jones:

Boutique Top Mid Personal Injury Family & Commercial Intellectual Property Law Firm is looking for a paralegal- LAA- Administrative Assistant- Researcher- Receptionist with the drive and ambition to become the next King of Canada balanced with a willingness to work monotonous duties perpetually until they die, to join its downtown central firm in a beautiful location just 8 hours south of Vancouver, in a great office which sits only 500 metres below sea level. 

You will have over 30 years experience as a paralegal from a firm with an identical composition to ours. This experience must be in a carbon copy practice area. Preference will therefore obviously be given to candidates who have worked with a partner called John and a Janitor called Bevan.   

You will have a minimum of 8 law degrees, including qualifications to every bar association that has ever existed, and separate PhD qualifications from a reputable paralegal institution, reputable legal assistant course, and reputable combined paralegal/legal administrative assistant and generalised assistant institution.  Candidates without Nobel Peace Prizes in any of the above mentioned disciplines may be considered, but will be required to demonstrate the equivalent in education or experience. 

Canadian citizenship is required for this position, and applicants who have travelled for over one (1) week to any non-Canadian destination (including Quebec) must provide a statutory declaration witnessed by Steve Harper that makes a lifelong promise never to leave Canada again. Signed with blood.

The standard responsibilities of this position will be to produce consistently perfect work in incredibly stressful situations. This position requires a demonstrable passion for showcasing your abilities to multitask, and a working ability to operate every version of Microsoft Office that has ever been created, blindfolded, while juggling swords.  Preference will be given to candidate who had significant software designing influence of the Microsoft Office Suite. If said design occurred whilst blindfolded, such a candidate may be preferenced.

You will have a proven track record of 100% accuracy in every administrative task imaginable, which is comprehensively documented by 5 written references for every skill. 

You will be required to sit copious and arduous testing in locating the "print" button in Word, and it will never be the way that makes most sense. You will fail said exams if you choose to answer any question in a way that is equally functional and produces the EXACT SAME OUTCOME as the prescribed answer in the automated test produced by an outsourced recruiter who has never met you. 

Your inevitable failure at all of these tests, which will take roughly 80 hours to complete, will be forwarded to every law firm in Vancouver, and etched in big letters on the Lion's Gate Bridge. Your working Visa will also be stamped with “imbecile”, and you will be told to “ride your koala right back to Aus-land”.

In the unlikely event that you pass these tests by sheer luck or act of God, you will then be required to separately interview with every employee of the firm, at irregular intervals.  You will consistently fail to justify your legal background in Australia as legitimate, with pathetic attempts to convince us that a “kangaroo court” is not how justice is determined at home, and is merely an expression.  

The janitor is called Bevan.

Please note due to the high volume of resumes received, we cannot inform you of the progress of your application.  Only the single successful candidate, who will almost certainly be someone’s brother who already works for us, will be contacted.

*Please note that any Canucks player applicants will instantly be granted any job they like and a large barrel of gold. Unless you are Roberto Luongo, in which case we will utilise our legal expertise and government connections to swiftly deport you to Quebec.
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