Ko Tao, "Watching" my mind and Lust for love
Trip Start
Dec 09, 2007
1
35
52
Trip End
Jul 07, 2008
Ko Tao,
Ko Tao,
Thailand
Thursday, May 1, 2008
But one thing I do know is that there are states of mind where you and the mind are one and the comeings and goings of the mind are linked to your being
Samui
. Your happiness and frustrations are without conception or contemplation, they can't be witnessed or addressed, they just are. Yet there's another state that I'll call "the watcher" where concepts of happiness or frustration or anything the mind can muster can be seperate from the self. You can watch your mind and decide to be an active or passive participant in it. This watcher is the space I've begun to move into with the beauty and solace that Taa Toh bay and it's calming green waters have afforded me. This is the space of breath.From my journal:
4/29/08
It's almost 5am on Ko Tao in Taa Toh Beach Bungalows. I'm back to making music wee into the morning hours. Roosters are calling the sun up as the crickets make their last stand. I had another thought about all the beautiful women and wanting to be with them. Granted it's obvious of course but what about the deeper me the purposeful me the me of will and action and heart and intention. I think this me is avoided through the pursuits of these women. It's avoidance of being by myself. Do I long to be with another in order to avoid myself? Maybe!! we'll think on it...just after I go and masturbate to all the bikini clad goddesses I saw today :)
A caviat at the expense of sounding shallow for my pursuits of women:
Normally, now in my early thirties, I rarely feel the pressures or desire to "hook up" or as I'd rather put it, "physically connect." But there really is quiet a bit of pressure, and talk, and intention that goes into being with women when traveling with young horny guys in the young beautiful bikini clad backpacker party scene that is the Thai Islands
Samui sunset
. I really got caught up in it. I'm sure some women or even some men out there may be rolling there eyes to this. Ok that 's projection. I'm rolling my eyes as I re-read this. I know we've heard it all before...the dilema of being male. The constant almost trite mental negotiations that take place between our urges to seed and the development of our cerebellum and with it the evoltuion of will, choice, and love. But this is my process and I'm learing not to be ashamed by writing about it and then learning from it. 5/2/08
A population of ants has taken residence in this laptop. I came in yesterday afternoon to see a dark thick stream of them coming and going. I wiped them from the bed and went to work assuming they were on the move discovering spaces, not deciding to settle in. I left the computer on and went to read for a half hour and the stream was back! This went on a couple more times before I decided to put the laptop in the waterproof bag for a day. It would at least keep out the population and might suffocate any stragglers. When i opened the bag tonight I found dozens of dead ant bodies and many still alive. Even now as I write there are a few that linger out. There was one very large ant in the bag alive which I killed thinking it might be the queen and the reason for this strange migration. Not the best Karma I know
longtail
! We'll see...hopefully this thing keeps running. Maybe I can have someone open her up in Bangkok. So tomorrow I'm ferrying to ko samui then to Bangkok for 3 days before my next major destination, india. Ko tao has been beautiful, relaxing, and also very challenging. I'm really facing this desire to be with women or a woman. Not quite sure yet the distinction. There are so many beautiful woman with tight luscious skin exposed to these magical beach elements that I go crazy for them. My little secluded bungalow is as much solace as it is escape from these beauties. And at the same time under the veil of my general attractions and lusting is a deep desire to connect with and to love just one. I want to have sex and I want to make love. I want to get drunk and grind to beats and I want to have sobering conversations on the nature of life and being. And then underneath that are aware nesses like from my last entry of lusting for the other in order to escape loving myself. And then underneath that is a desire to connect with the universal essence of life and not any one particular manifestation whether it is a lover or a partner or a friend or a community etc.
I can hear the abbot of the mountain monestary I stayed at laughing at me. I can see his direct and calm eyes saying, "Ahhh Patrick it's your thoughts that create suffering and confusion
back side of island
. You think too much. Smile, breath, go find a woman or don't. But realize that satisfaction has little do with what action you take and more with the state of your mind." And i would look back my eyes saying, "Yeah Yeah...you're going to tell me to go meditate more aren't you!"I did have a fling with a wonderful woman while here on the island. And it did help me to gain perspective on these desires. Maybe I'll give you some of the romantic details another time, but probably not.
At the moment I'm trying my first batch of pineapple fritters. A couple days ago a waiter from a restaurant across the bay mistakenly thought I had asked for mars bar fritters. What I received and had taken away from my table seemed like little muffins filled with mars bar filling. I've been eating horribly on this trip mostly on my vacation within a trip here in the islands...indulging in every little chocolate sugar or just over eating craving that I might have. I decided I'd like to take it easy.
My appetite has grown to heights I never thought possible in SE asia and it got worse in the islands. Today I tried some temperance and succeeded until the night fell and I remember the hunger pains I'd encountered the last few days without the late night munchies I'd been indulging in
where the sea and sky meet
. So i ordered some pineapple fritters from the restaurant in my resort. It's now around 9PM. So far I'd been very disappointed with their food, but tonight I was desperate and hoping for some muffin type thingies to relieve my coming hunger. What I got were just fried pieces of pineapple and some very sweet cream coconut sauce for dipping. Not what I had hoped for, but I'm eating them anyhow. Normally I would ask a waiter first about some type of food you've never had, but I've found that in Thailand this is an exercise in futility. Very few people here speak english adequately enough to answer any questions outside of the basic tourist translation manual. This is very surprising and disappointing for a country that has such an elaborate and efficient tourist infrastructure. I think i even heard that it is the number 1 tourist destination in the world. Shocking! What I've been told by several ex-pats and inside travelers is it's primarily their pride. Thai's are a very proud people almost to the egocentric tilt (at least that's what the other SE asian countries might say) and if they can't speak english enough to sound intelligent or understanding then they won't speak it at all. As strange and culturally dependent this excuse is it's the only one that makes any sense to me when comparing Thailand to the other SE Asian countries. Because Thailand is the probably the wealthiest of them all and yet the rest of them speak far better engish. In the far reaches of poor lao or rice patties of vietnam you will often find better english speakers then in the center of Bangkok.
Well aside from some nutrients the pineapple might provide my body might have a slightly tougher time fighting off this cold with some greasy friedness to add to the oppositions front lines.
Sawadee, (hello and goodbye in thai)
