In good news, I hear it cures skin diseases....

Trip Start Nov 19, 2010
Trip End Dec 19, 2010

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Where I stayed
Lanta Nice Beach Resort Ko Lanta
Read my review - 1/5 stars

Flag of Thailand  ,
Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I just wanted to take a second to say thanks to everyone who has commented or emailed to let me know they have been reading this. I seriously appreciate you guys staying in touch.  It's a bit of a weird experience going away for a month.  You know that people’s lives continue at home, but it’s hard to imagine that happening since yours is changing and going somewhere totally different.  There’s a weird aspect of longing to not miss out on anything at home, but at the same time knowing what I’d be missing out on here had I stayed home.   I often think that no one gives a shit about what I’m doing and it means a lot that some of you are taking time from your busy lives to keep in touch and read about my retardedness.  It helps alleviate the disconnected feeling more than you could know. 

Now, more stories of retardation:

So after a late start yesterday, P and I wandered around Patong for a few hours.  We ate at Hemingway’s (ha!) and just kind of saw the city.  It’s definitely a tourist trap and so not my cup of tea.  I prefer either big cities or small untouched places, I’m not into the in between of an island that has now become a haven for tourists.   The one highlight of the day was that I convinced Parin to get a fish massage with me again- because apparently my ticklish ass is a glutton for punishment.  I, once again, loved it, and Parin also enjoyed his fishy feast- just not quite as much as I did- I was literally in hysterics for 10 minutes.  After finishing up with the hungry fish, we went back to the hotel just as it started raining in order to get our shit together for the evening. 

After much dilly dallying, we finally got our asses in gear and headed out to find food.  We ended up taking this major detour as one of the roads was washed out (yes, still raining at this point) and stumbled across a nice restaurant and grabbed a bite to eat.  After that we wandered down to the beach area because I was fixated on having a crepe with nutella and banana.  For the record, it was totally worth it.  Best part of the food experience yesterday, hands down. 

And then, we went in search of ladyboys.  Now, let me be clear, there is no searching involved in this quest when in Patong.  Basically the search consisted of leaving our hotel room.  They were everywhere!  However, we were in search of impressive ones that would make the whole outing worthwhile.  Now, Parin had suggested going to the gay area in Patong (Paradise Complex) to search them out (I know, he feeds this shit to me) which I was, obviously, completely on board with.  However, we had wandered by it earlier and it had looked absolutely dead.  Instead, we walked by a group of bars that had ladyboys gogo dancing in the centre and decided to have a drink there.

People, I was in my element.

Everywhere I looked there was a feast for my eyes.  Beautiful ladyboys that looked better than real ladies, old fat ones that barely passed for female-esque, half ladyboys that were kinda rocking a man was amazing in every way.  I was flashed by 5 or 6 ladyboys (I lost count but for the record, if I ever decide to get breast implants I’m getting them in Thailand) and saw more ladyboy vagina than I ever thought possible- I can say, having seen it myself, that many of the ladyboys have had the surgery and now have a "vagina".  Also, they are all rocking a Brazilian. Just putting it out there.

We literally sat in silence the entire time we were there because I was so mesmerized by my surroundings.  The only time we spoke was the few times I pointed out a specific ladyboy to Parin due to her incomparable beauty and he responded with “that just isn’t fair”.

Eventually our night had to end since we were leaving at 8 am this morning for Ko Lanta- a smaller less touristy island not too far from Phuket.

Or so we thought...

At 7:15 this morning we get a phone call from the front desk asking where we are since our pickup to take us to the ferry is at the hotel.  I tell her that on our sheet it clearly says 8 am.  She puts me on with the driver who is busy yelling something at me so I make my way down as Parin is showering since I had been ready to go for at least 10 minutes at that point.  I show the driver my paper, the kind receptionist confirms what it says, the driver calls someone and yells, the receptionist calls the company and puts me on the phone with some lady who is telling me something over and over again except I can’t understand anything besides the “okay?” at the end.  Um, no, not okay.  WTF is okay?

Eventually, I get that the driver can only wait 10 minutes as the boat leaves at 8:30 and that she can put us on a bus instead if we are later than that.  Now, it’s important to note that the boat we were supposed to take would get us to Lanta in 2 hours.  The bus? Takes 6.

I run upstairs and let P know but we still miss the boat.  Instead, we leave for Lanta on a 9:30 bus that is not designed for people my height, is packed with Thais and is driven by the most obnoxious driver in the history of time.  Seriously, this asshole was trying to prove something to someone.  In good news, he proved he’s a moron to us.  It was so bad, not only his driving skills, but his blasting shit music (in the end intentionally to piss us off) that the lovely woman sitting next to me apologized for his behaviour repeatedly.  Ugh. 

It was officially the longest 6 hours of my life.  During the trip, we stopped at 2 bus stations and I, of course, had to pee.  Let me just say, that as of today I have officially experienced the two worst toilets I could possibly imagine.  Not only were they squat toilets (which are actually my nightmare- I can’t imagine a more uncomfortable position to stay in for any length of time and tip my hat to the Vietnamese who squat for very long periods of time because it is allegedly comfortable) but they were old, smelly, disgusting, non-flushing squat toilets that were basically a glorified hole in the ground.  Never have I wished more for one of those inhaler things the Asians appear addicted to using in my life.  I honestly would have slathered an entire jar of tiger balm under my nose if it would have made me unable to smell that stench.

So in the second toilet, fully (mostly) prepared for what I am about to experience, I go in armed with my Kleenex and travel soap ready to pee and run as fast as humanly possible.  In my mind the plan goes: squat, pee, wipe, throw tissue in garbage, dip pail in bucket of water and toss in “toilet”, exit “stall”, wash hands and run outside flapping arms around to help hands dry before sanitizing myself elbow to fingertips.  However, I hit a slight snag in my plan.

The toilets are angled in a weird way which I have never seen before.  But no big deal, right? Uh huh. 

I start to do my business when lo and behold; I realize that the angle that this toilet creates has resulted in pee going on one of my toes.   Essentially, I’m peeing on myself. Peeing. On. Myself.  And the best part?  There is nothing I can do about it without making the situation worse.  I keep my panic under control and formulate a plan.  After finishing up, I exit the stall and approach the sink.  A quick glance around reveals no one near me so I wash my hands and also, my feet and shoes(thank God for plastic flip flops).  I would like to thank whoever made me as tall as I am as it was amazingly easy to get my feet into that sink to wash them.  Thankfully, there was no sign in the washroom saying anything akin to “please don’t wash your feet in our sink” or at least no sign I could read. 

Anyway, eventually we arrived in Lanta, which is a beautiful island.  Unfortunately, we are staying at a pretty gross resort.  P crashed out really early again after doing some work so I went wandering around a bit and ate dinner at a restaurant on the beach.  It really is quite lovely here.  I have hung out with a few very interesting lizards tonight, nearly had a heart attack courtesy of an unexpected frog and pet the sweetest most playful cat I have seen in quite a while.  I’m turning into a hippie.

I do have to say that as much as I was looking forward to having some company for this part of the trip, I’m not actually enjoying it as much as I thought I would.  Partially because P has been doing a lot of working and seems to be quite happy sitting in the hotel rooms doing so unless or until I just get up and go somewhere and partially because I actually really enjoy spending time alone and not having to worry about someone else.   At the end of the day, I have still gone out most evenings by myself and have not gotten to do as much as I normally would have had I been on my own.  For me at least, having someone with me means that I shouldn’t be going for meals by myself and that I should be able to do more. Realistically, I don’t need or want anyone’s company during the day when I’m out and about- but having someone to have dinner and a drink with is a nice thing.  Because he’s around during the day I’m not meeting as many people as I would normally so I’ve been spending all the evenings alone.  Also, some of the issues we have run into would not have occurred were he not around.  I know that I shouldn’t blame him for these things, and I don’t, but I do find it frustrating that they happen because he is here- as an example, were it just me I would have made that boat this morning, without a problem.  It frustrates me when people don’t think about problems that could arise and prepare for them somehow.  I know not everyone is a Libra, but really, they should all think like one!

Anyway, I’m not sure what it is that’s going on but maybe it’s just that our style of travelling doesn’t match.  I’m going to roll with it and then we’ll see what happens next time I go travelling somewhere. 

We are apparently going to have more rain the next few days so we will see what we get up to.  It looks as though I will be getting rain in Samui when I am there this weekend as well, so I’m actually thinking of leaving early and going to sit on a sunny beach in Hua Hin for a day next week.  It totally wrecks the whole timing and makes me rush around more, but it might be a good thing to do.  Unless of course it’s sunny in Samui and then I am just staying there.

Pray to whatever/whomever/however you believe in that I get some sun please.  
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