Traveling makes you forget the things you actually want to think about, because your mind is occupied with all these new pictures you see all the time. But once you rest, it all comes back.
We arrived in Shiyan on Wednesday, so until Sunday there is nobody in the apartments. Everybody left to explore China and I'm on my own. So basically the situation just changed slightly. There is less running around, less change in scenery but about the same conversation level. This time luckily with no orders.
After one whole day of speaking nothing I know now why I talked to myself when I was a child. It's simple, cause I had nobody to talk to during the day and it fills the room with life. You lose your language if you don't speak, you know.
If it wouldn't have been for the Americans I wouldn't have come back at all. There is no sense in going to places where nobody understands you.
27.04.07 [short journal entry in wise expectations before the trip to Xi'an]
I just lost my perspective to everything. I thought I had something figured out while I was reading this book. But now it's gone.
It's if something suddenly hits you and you simply don't know why you're doing what you're doing and you also don't know what you could be doing instead. Usually there is always something you hope for, something you're looking forward to. What if suddenly there is just nothing - an empty blank spot right in front of you.
Why am I ???
Verdammt, ICH BRAUCH 'NE PERSPEKTIVE !!!
03.05.07
Well actually I started a 'LOST-watching-marathon' to kill some in between time and of course I'm really eager to find out what's going to happen next. Man this show is smart.
04.05.07
Well maybe I shouldn't have done the 'LOST-marathon', cause now I'm questioning what is real. I just finished season two and man these Hurley episodes are really changing it around. I was wondering how they're going to explain all that anyway, since they explain every little detail it was quite a mystery how they're gonna explain polar bears. Of course if nothing helps you just switch the reality right into Hurley's reality. But imagine that, if Hurley can just imagine his own little world, maybe we are all living in our own imaginative little worlds. If nothing is real, reality becomes quite relative, doesn't it?
But dreams and coincidences, luck and fate could be explained much better, because we want them to happen. Just the big L wouldn't be explained, nobody wants to imagine feelings that are not returned. Or do we? Maybe some people like to suffer?
"The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right? Yeah."
So what if we are not real? What if our minds just play tricks, we wouldn't know, would we?
Who made this world anyway? Where did all this life come from and why is it going on? Are we meant to do something or not? And how come it is 4.00 a.m. and I'm not tired? I didn't eat much either, but I'm not hungry. How does it feel to go crazy? Maybe crazy is relative, maybe all is relative, but if it's all relative, why would you need to succeed, why should I follow something that nobody can proof to me as real. What is reality? Is pain real? Are thoughts real?
Questions nobody can answer, if you don't want to use god as an excuse. I guess I'll come a little bit closer to these answers the moment I die, until then I just make up my own little world, I guess. But hey I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking about such nonsense, cause that nonsense lead to amazing pieces of art like: Vanilla Sky, The Matrix, The Little Prince, Butterfly Effect, Lost, maybe even the Bible.
Well if somebody has an answer to question 'Why are we, or are we at all?', feel free to make a comment.
05.05.07
I should definitely get the hell out of here as fast as possible. I need some distraction, these thoughts are killing me. Why am I still here anyway, I don't belong here - AGAIN.
06.05.07
They are back, I'm okay again. Good to have life around! Thanks that you guys exist.
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