In my own time

Trip Start Sep 30, 2005
Trip End Jun 04, 2006

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Flag of United Kingdom  ,
Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and saw two dark hollows where I'm sure I once had eyes. I look at bit like a Panda bear, and having heard from a friend at work yesterday that Panda's were the joke du jour at a local comedy club, I'm aware that this might not be a good thing! My head is in that half numb state where the brain is still hiding beneath the covers of fatigue. A walk to the station more or less cures this and it's through the last remnants of this haze that I peer up at the departures screens and see the words every commuter dreads, "train cancelled".

The next one isn't for half an hour, so the only thing for it is to take the slow train to Victoria. It's inconvenient, but unlike some around me I can't get irate about the hand that fate has dealt. I look forward to enjoying the landscape outside and having time to write. There are still scribbled old notes from past journeys that I've not written about and new observations to be made. More than I ever anticipated when I started writing about me and my travels, the writing has become a pleasure. It is also a window onto fond memories of the past, not quite a refuge, but certainly somewhere to go and sit with ideas and memories if I'm not quite with it in the here and now. It has also become a bit of a monster, albeit a friendly one, demanding time and not something that I can let go.

Doing this means I'm living with my past close to me, maybe too close, yet on a morning like this where steam is coming out of people's ears it takes me away from the now. I'm also contemplating my future which is as exciting and a frightening thing to do as it always is. Well maybe not frightening, but certainly daunting in terms of weighing up the sacrifices that come with each exciting new bound. Future and past are well and good, but I'm trying to figure out what my now is. I'm not really sure it exists in a distinct form - I'm sure the existentialists of the world will have their theories. I remember that when I came back from a year out, I realised I'd lost sight of the future and didn't know what I was aiming for next, and maybe I'm living that next now. It's like a mild hangover: it's not painful but I have got Panda Bear eyes!
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