Shaping my future

Trip Start Sep 30, 2005
Trip End Jun 04, 2006

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Flag of United Kingdom  ,
Monday, March 6, 2006

Having spent July-September 2005 master of my own path and answerable to nobody, I came to have a greater sense of who and what I am as an individual and how I am defined by the people I met and meet. It was a hugely entertaining, interesting and at times demanding experience to deal with so many unknowns.

Subsequently, I returned to work and enjoyed catching up with old friends and colleagues. The day-to-day life in the office is built around co-operation and interaction, but which you might think is pretty similar to meeting and travelling with people. However, I find it interminably dull at the moment. More to the point I can feel it dulling me, my mind, and my curiosity. It's probably my fault that I haven't got my finger out and been more constructive with my free time, but there are times when I feel as though I'm engulfed by a pall of fog which stops me seeing where I'm going and there are others when it feels that I'm being pushed an pulled by forces unseen. Maybe this is a loss of focus on my part, but the intriguing part is how much, or rather how little, control I seem to have on my future working as I am. It's as though I'm a puppet in the claws of the corporate machine (albeit a largely well meaning one).

It's always been thus with my current employer, but the shock of going from choosing to be somewhere else and to move when you want to, to being told by somebody else that you're going to be somewhere and to move when they need you to for 5 days a week is a shock. To begin with I bought into it, and now I've been told I'm going to be extended on my project away from home, I'm not amused. Actually, I'm not even simply not amused. It's more a case of total bewilderment. I know it comes with the territory, I've dealt with this kind of thing for years, but now I have a different perspective on things and how powerful I can be in shaping my destiny. Perhaps those who are driven and focussed know this already, but it's not me or my personality to be driven in that way. I'm definitely disconcerted at present by how much I can or cannot shape my future.
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