Arrive in Toronto! ... umm did i make a mistake??!
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Toronto,
Ontario,
Canada
Thursday, July 12, 2007
ok i am having a very bad time here in ontario! i thought coming and seeing my family would be something i would regret if i didnt do it!
what a joke!
i regret coming here!
my family is so fuct up - it is impossible to come and have a good time unless a visit only lasts a few hours!
i realize how different i am from them. i see how little alliance i have with them. the lack of support or love from them is so disappointing.
always i continue to try to connect with my family and hope that somehow all the years of abuse and dysfunction can be overcome... i see over and over again that too much bad blood has come between us all. we break down into fights more and more the last few days as our visiting has continued over a week now.
i am worried about my fathers health - yet he refuses to do anything about it and dangerously neglects himself. anything i suggest to him is met with anger. any help i offer or food i cook is rejected and left uneaten.
my sister shows her sibling rivalry to its fullest - still surprising after all these years! her jealousy over my lifestyle, achivevements, & travelling spills over in her contemptuous heart.
i have been triggered over and over by their lack of understanding or interest in who i am now in my life. they despise any healing ive done and refuse any counselling or healing for themselves. i realize again now in my life that we cannot be a family that gets along if there is no acknowledgement of the past abuse or the present need for reconciliation or healing.
i have had a blow up fight with my dad and one with my sister in the last 4 days. i realize my resentment towards them is now there and i loose my temper and join in the raucous anger. my dad told me to fuck off. i couldnt believe the lack of respect and abuse i still receive from my family. its like im a child again in how i am treated.
i am disappointed not only in them but in myself. how could i behave so poorly after years of counselling, meditation, Buddhist practice, and since running away at 16- theres been long absence, distance and space. i've only seen my dad 3 times in 10 years. yet the deep unresolved problems are still there lurking underneath the initial days of visiting.
i see that i must let go of my hopes for a happy functional family. i know that it is impossible unless there is years of healing and counselling for everyone. impossible.
i wonder why i keep trying. i think it is a result of my own abuse from my childhood. i am still trying to win my family's love. i have always been the black sheep - the scapegoat, the rebel. i refuse to be their whipping boy anymore!
i want to return to BC but not really either. i want to see my Master and attend his 7 week silent retreat as its in progress now. thats the only thing i want right now.
i feel jaded and disillusioned. i feel like i just woke up and see how bad my family's dynamics still are. i feel no desire to visit here any longer. i understand now how the monks and nuns are able to renunciate their family ties and go onto the Path. i feel like i could easily renounce mine.
i just dont wanna be a nun. i love men and i do hold hope for a family of my own one day. but my Master's words ring in my ears --- that romantic love is ultimately a possessive love and truly an illusion. that it is not really Love at all. that True Love is Universal Love -- thats love with the All, while persuing the Path to Enlightenment .
i am confused about my illusions of romantic love being True. i know what the holy people all say must be true. all the wise beings reject the secular life and persue a higher path that sees thru the illusions of romantic love, and family ties.
a big part of me wants to return to Hawaii. at least i felt i was closer to Paradise than i have ever been. at least i was far from my family. i felt the love of the Aina there - the Spirits of the Land. despite the many dysfunctional wounded souls i met, i also connected with many peaceminded folks who were also seeking and achieving deep healing. Hawaii is called the Island of Healing for a reason. you cannot help but feel the power of restoration in that Return to Eden.
i shall contemplate my next move. and it shall be very soon.
