Chapter 5- Erryday My Birfday
Trip Start
Mar 01, 2008
1
5
9
Trip End
Mar 01, 2009
Seoul, Korea Rep.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
So it's the week of my birthday the celebration of that glorious day 24 years ago when the kid popped out of Judy all covered in fluids , crying like a little bitch, with my baby dick floppin all over the place -prolly hasn't grown much since- .People usually stress out a lil about their birthday and want all their friends to drop everything they're doing and show up at some bar and act like theyre having the greatest time in the world. Force everyone to go out on some pussy ass day of the week like Tuesday (fuck Tuesday),then take a bunch of pictures of forced smiles and awkward kiss and hug BFF corny shots, put em on web shots/face book/myspace, my balls etc. and there it is ; what a fantastic birthday. Atleast the internet thinks you had a great time. All the while most of your friends/people you dragged out who you barely know so you wouldn't feel insecure, would rather be at home pulling their pud, torturing cats, or smoking weed watching Golden Girls, while instead they get the pleasure of listening to you bitch and moan about being an old fuckin piece of shit for a whole day. Good Times. Then you spend the next day guilt trippin and bitching at all the people who forgot your birthday or just plain didn't give a chuck. I look at it like this, so what if you forget my birthday odds are I've forgetten yours plenty of times. If you remember my birthday or buy me some shit thanks a lot!I owe you a reach around next time I see ya ;). Either way its not that big of a deal, you get a new birthday every year, even when you're dead and turned into dried shitsteak,. All you can do is try to have a good time wherever you're at and stretch your birthday out for like 2 days atleast or a whole week, and try to get as many free drinks, favors and birthday sympathy cheeks as possible. I mean you really gotta suck people dry on your birthday it's the only day of the year where you don't have to do shit and even if you're a complete prick, people still gotta be nice to you, act like they like you, buy you shit and be like Wow its your Birthday! Holy shitballs ! for like 24 hours. Hey you might even get laid! C'mon its your birthday!
Anyways the weekend before my birthday I completely forgot that a month ago I had agreed to go on this overnight tour of green tea fields, botanical gardens, private islands, garlic farms, beaches, hot springs, Buddhists temples and other random other sights with all these chicks from work and their friends. I was gonna take out this ma I been talkin to from the gym that weekend but now I couldn't do so naturally I was kinda pissed I was goin on this trip cuz we had to be up at 5am on Saturday morning which really kicked the dick out of my Friday night and we weren't getting back til late on Sunday. Weekend gonzo. What da chuck. But I paid like $190 bills for this tour awhile back and now tried to cancel at the last minute which wasn't happpenin but this other chick I work with ended up cancelling cuz they found another girl who wanted to go in here place. So now that I can't get a refund and I hafta go or eat $190 bills. Towards the end of the week I'm bein kind of a wet diaper bitching about this trip to my buddy at work, and hes totally rubbin it in and shit like "haha I'm goin to the baseball game this weekend gonna get toddy cock yada yada yada spread cheeks blah blah take a shit in someone's mail box etc.". At this point I felt that I'd fucked up, and made a huge mistake by unknowingly signing up for some sort of girly ass trip whered we be sniffing flowers, skipping through cornfields, picking strawberries with grandma, talking about our periods/cute boys, truth or dare, maybe get I into a lil pillow fight in our jammies and get my nails painted if I'm lucky. Boy was I wrong.
We leave Saturday morning at 5 am and my mindset is like 'fuck it I gotta make the best of this, bein a lil whiny bitch all weekend isn't gonna change make this any better'.So me and this chick I work with take the sub to meet her friend who substituted with the girl I work with who cancelled, and then to the train station for a 6 hour joy ride. I had no idea what this new ma looked like but I'm expecting the worst as to not be disappointed- I'm thinking fat sloppy Canadian whore with hot breath and sweaty asschacks. The next thing I know this bangin Korean ma comes strollin up all in slow motion and shit like a shampoo commercial. I'm like okaaay atleast I got a nice lil bird to chirp at this weekend.. maybe feed her a worm or two ;) (*creepy I know but I had to make that play on words). Things are starting to look up a lil for the kid, I'm thinking things could def be a lot worse (see fat sloppy Canadian whore above).At this point it was like the Lakers just pulled a healthy Kobe off the bench in the 4th quarter after theyd been getting shit on by 40 points. The first sign I knew this chick was cool, were waiting for the train and that week I had managed to cop a pack of Newports -which are impossible to find out here, everyone thinks they're gross and Korean tobacco just sucks a fat one out here. tastes like dookie. I think they just use old newspapers and wood chips instead of actual tobacco- from the cigarette fairy (AKA this military dude whos bangin one of my cooworkers), so I light up a Newpie and this ma is like "Oh my god I love Newports!" and we then proceed to smoke a pair of ghetto mints.
The train ride was soo long but I got to crush like a 6 pack of beers on the ride down and shit on this Korean beauty in Mario Kart that a couple chicks we were with had on Nintendo DS. Again I'm like damn this chick is smoking hot, and loves Newports and Mario Kart. What the fuck is going on? I'm waiting for god to throw me the ol hidden penis curveball. We finally get to end of the 6 hour train ride, meetup with our tour group - which consists of 3 musty, old Korean couples- hop in the Scooby Doo van and we're gonzo. First stop was a one hour van ride to this shoes off sit on the floor, restaurant where I had this raw fish that tasted like peppermint hair dye and these lil bloody clams that tasted like dirty pennies. I'm sorry but this shit was fucking gross. Whoever digs this would also be a huge fan of hobo piss and dead dumpster babies. I've eaten alotta random food out here and consider myself to be a trashcan when It comes to the nasty shit I'm willing to eat but I gotta draw the line somewhere. Next we get back in the van and take a 2hour ride- every stop on this tour was atleast an hour or 2 apart. This got real old after a while- to these green tea fields which were ill. Some beautiful shit to see plus the whole field smelled like a huge ganja farm .I expected to see like a Korean Woodstock with a huge cypher of like 20 80 year old Korean farmers butt naked in the mud with just straw hats and wooden shoes on at the top of this mountain sitting Indian style, roasting a canon the size of a parade dragon. So that was cool but it started to rain when we were leaving and of course we were goin to the beach next and by the time we got there it was pissing hard. But we still went on the beach, fucked around took some pics of this nasty beach with all these dirty ass boats docked on the shore, with dead animals everywhere. It was rad. I then find out that our next stop is the hot springs; which is like a big ass, outdoor hot tub where it's customary to get butt naked when you're dippin those biddalls. I'm thinking sweet who doesn't like getting naked with a bunch of chicks in a hot tub. Then I find out shortly after the only catch is they split you up between men and women and you bathe in your birthday suits separately. Bein the only dude in our group of 6 chicks I look at my fellow male swim pals and its 3 old ass Korean dudes who prolly look like Mr.Burns naked with old brown liver spots and wrinkly, musty mothball, smellin balls. Either way I'm pumped for the once in a lifetime opportunity to take a lil bath with my new senior citizen buddies and maybe get a lemon party poppin if I play my cards right. But of course it was raining so they scratched the hot springs naked party and we went to some never ending swamp bridge instead with crabs and snakes with legs. So I tossed cigarettes into crab holes like an ignorant 3 year old fuckhead.
Its about 7 pm at this point and right after that stop on the ride back to the hotel I find out that we have to be up and leave by 3:00am the next day for a 6 hour ride to this boat tour. After spending like probly 10 hours total that day in a cramped van next to an old couple that kept feeding me this grandma candy that tasted like medicine flavored dookie, I'm like you gotta be chuckin kiddin me.All day I was hoping to get bombed that nite and brought a squad of booze with me. So around 9pm we finally get back to the hotel we're staying at and we have 2 rooms for the 6 of us, no beds just a floor and mad blankets like a yung boy slumber party. Everyone was bein kinda whack once we got to the hotel like nahh I don't feel like goin out tonite blah blah blah 'I'm tired' 'I wanna play Candyland' this and that all types of weak shit excuses. Everyone except for the lil choody I was talkin to all day. Shes like fuck it lets go out. Now I'm stoked, popped a bottle of Soju and smacked that within like 15 minutes and we headed out. The area we were stayin at was bugged out like real country. I went into a convenience store and I shit you not they had two babies sleepin on the counter and noone workin, I felt like wakin one of the babies up like "yo you work here?!" Finally after walkin around for a minute we find some random bar in this crazy desolate area where neither of us knew where the fuck we were at. Frogs everywhere, real swampy, tall grass, lil crickets chirpin nonstop. We kick it at this bar til like 2am, are havin a blast and end up running through like 6 bottles of Soju and this fruit wine .We considered sleepin at the bar cuz they had these crazy comfortable love seats but the bitch workin kicked us out and we headed back to the telly instead to get maybe 45 minutes of shuteye. We're both soaked at this point- like fuckin rocked mang - and go back to the room hoping the door wasn't locked and didn't hafta to play the 'lemme call you a hundred times till your crusty ass wakes the fuck up and lets me in game'. Luckily the door was open so we pop in and the one chick I work with is sleepin on the floor and this other broad just immediately wakesup and went to the other room as soon as we came in. So we creep in and next thing I know ,were makin out like the planes goin down, we both put on our birthday suits- oh yah lucklily there was no penis that ma's pants. Touchdown!- and proceed to butt naked tango about 2 feet from my coworker. After a minute of hearing that baby making music and waking up to seeing me straightleggin away, my cooworker pops up, utters a sly comment, grabs a pillow and leaves the room. Mind you I'm bein a pretty big dickhole right now its like 2:30am we had to be out by 3:00am and we come home drunk as balls then wake her up to the sound of us stroking. Like these chicks I work with know me pretty well by now and get that I'm a butthead and clown around a lot but this was some in your face, get ta know me, sweaty butt naked, heat of the moment, wake the fuck up, ignorant action .I mean it wasn't like I was 15 losin my virginity at the Flame Inn in Jerz with Pomponi across from me soakin his oats at the same time or even in a dirty north philly basement with him and 2 unnamed females.... Uhhh lemme stop. Anyways she was cool as shit about it the next day and just laughed that shit off.
We wakeup after what felt like 3 minutes later, I'm still toddy cock pass out for 6 hours , get up and get on this wild boat tour that I was not expecting at all. We're like cruising 100 mph on the ocean through all these crazy rock mountain caverns that looked like some shit outta the Odyssey or some Baywatch 2 hour special. It was wild and then we docked at this private island botanical garden that was awesome. All crazy plants, wild huge cactuses, bushes trimmed like hgiant Super Mario mushrooms and even like a Greek statue area where they had like a mini Michelangelo's David - please believe I dropped a few penis jokes there- and all his homeys who I don't know there names. This stuff was so crazy to see in person it looked fake. We hit up a couple more spots after we get done the boat tour like this market where they sold this alcoholic Viagra juice-there was a squad of like 15 old Korean men huddled around this stand and a huge wooden boner man statue-, a samurai temple, and a garlic farm with all these old ladies sittin out on the side of the road pumpin garlic like the "CDs DVDS!!" guys on the sub in Philly. The whole tour ends and we finally take the train back I get home like midnight crazy worn out, pass the chuck out and go to work on Monday the next day and look forward to getting it in on the kid's birthday that Wednesday.
Monday slides by like a fat Temple whore's jeans (inside joke; 'mmm boy scouting...how bout you slide them jeans off?' hahaha maaan I miss that joke homeys) and its Tuesday night time to get my birthday on and get midnight soaked( see above: Stretch your birthday for atleast 2 days). So me and my buddy from work decide to hit the town and turn my genitals into Franklin the turtles head. We start off get some good eats fuck around in this square, and smack bottles of Soju and play mad Claw grab games (ya know that Quarter arcade game with all the goodies in it.its impossibly hard. and you gotta guide the claw with a joystick and get like a stuffed animal or a friendship bracelet etc something gay. Well these machines got rolex watches, mp3 players, lighters, bee bee guns, remote control cars all types of ill shit). I prolly spent 20$ on this machine and finally gripped up this bigass fake BB gun gat. At this point its midnight and I knew it was on. Time to wipe me down. I felt like Teen Wolf with a burner. So we roll around a lil bit, gat tucked in my draws and hit up this crazy Japanese bar. Within five minutes I plop down next to this nice lookin straight up Korean broad . I kick my usual two words of game, I tell her in Korean shes beautiful and offer her Soju and then I'm empty. Note: 10 out of 10 times this does not work and I usually get a giggle out of a chick or a look like what a dumb American fuck you are and then the chick usually turns to her friend and says some shit in Korean and then laughs at me. Well somehow this hailmary went for 6 and luckily she was diggin me enough that she didn't seem to give a fuck that I knew 2 licks of Korean -just like you see in the movies(porno movies that is)-. So we kick it there have some dranks and my buddy starts spittin game to her gnarly friend. Next thing I know 5 hours later we're leavin a karaoke bar with these 2 chicks and its 7am. It felt like Varsity Blues coming out of this underground spot still rocked and getting sprayed like a vampire with sunlight like "ughhhhhhhh". It's a bugged feelin goin in to a spot and its nitey nite time and comin out and its McDonalds breakfast time, people all over the place in suits goin to work, buses flyin by, horns honkin, babies dancing in the street, you lookup at the Sun and he has sunglasses on and two scoops of raisins in his hand laughin at you and shit. So we take these broads back to our places and if it were a cartoon you'd see a train going into a tunnel, some fireworks would explode, a hot dog getting put on a bun, maybe a bottle of champagne would pop off, a curtin would get pulled down. Ya catch my drift ;). Anyways I wakeup the next day around 1pm in the hurt locker. I rub the crust out my eyes and the duck butter off my lips and look around like where the fuck am I? Its just me there and I soon realize I'm in my apartment.. except it's the ultra clean version. This chick cleaned my entire apartment! Bathroom, shower, toilet, did my dishes, laundry, folded my clothes, scrubbed my hardwood floor everything. This shit was unreal. True story, talk about happy ending/birthday. Big up to Korean women
