Chapter 6- BJs All Dayy
Trip Start
Mar 01, 2008
1
6
9
Trip End
Mar 01, 2009
Seoul, Korea Rep.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Been a minute since I shit at the diary so Im just gonna talk about alotta randomness. I been having image problems lately so I figured I'd lay off the crotch grappin, pants saggin, , side ways fitted cap, C-I-T-Y guys look and go for the in your face Xtreme, poser surfer, radical, cowabunga, Michaelangelo was my favorite Ninja Turtle, I ride a wave runner to work, fuck a stork I got delivered on a hanglider- look. I mean I'm getting pret-tay fuckin extreme lately between the bungee jumping, scuba diving, crashing go karts, tattoos, rippin up kids tests in their face when I catch them cheating , wearing hot pink floral swim trunks and neon t-shirts on the regular, havin sex with nothing but 90s MTV beachhouse volleyball shades on and consistently kicking the balls outta myself when I get BD. Dorito's just started sponsoring me for their new flavor 'Hot Balls Johnson'. Before I start yammerin on about all the bullshit I been getting into and talkin about how cool I am let me take this time to state how much I genuinely miss the balls outta all my homeys, and appreciate people taking the time outta their face book/ masturbation filled day to read this nonsense . Not trying to get all corny on yall but I miss the honesty of Philly and the Eastside. I took for granted a lot shit I even hated about East Coast(even Jerz) til I left, but I miss alotta things about all the people; friends, enemies, pussies, chicks, fat fucks, hobos, herbs, freaks, geants etc. I miss cutting it up with my homeys shitting on hipsters/ scenesters/ indie kids,/emo(s?)-aghhh fuck you!-/ shit faced, musty, scarf wearing, Where's Waldo, pretentious, unshaven birds nest, dicked on chucks, greenpeace, I'm soo underground and eco friendly I drink my 65 year old mother's breast milk and knit my own blue jeans/ basically anybody whos not me or my peoples etc.(Ya get my point )and I miss despising their invasion of Philly and their bitchass transformation of my neighborhood. I miss seeing the same homeless guys everyday telling the same fake ass stories about missing that same bus back to DC and begging for dumb shit- in English -on the regular and performing some shenanigans for a hot nickel or two. I even miss the insecure dooshbags when I go out to the bar not even lookin at chicks just at the bar glaring at other dudes while wearing they're finest button down striped shirt (see: http://www.lookatmystripedshirt.com/articleLAMSS.asp) or their tightest Timmy Tuffnuts Affliction T-shirt. I miss all the Billy Badass bouncers who have tossed my ass from/ not allowing me to enter fine establishments , when I'm too soaked for TV, falling on my face, spilling shit on people, taking a deuce in the flower pot, totally in the wrong yet arguing with them like they kicked me out for cussin. I miss fairly attractive chicks sucking their teeth in disgust and rolling their eyes at me when I roll up on them smacked up outta my mind, with hot breath , trousers around my ankles telling them they're beautiful over and over again. I miss my mom making fun of me for peeing the bed in her sewing room , while at age 23 living at home and getting heated when theres no left over beef stroganoff. I miss it all.
I met a lot cool people out here so far from everywhere between Wisconsin, LA, Illinois, San Diego, Detroit and even somehow like 2 cool people from Canada -.You don't understand that's huge cuz Canadians are straight General Cornwallace.Straight Geeeeant country. Soooo fuckin lame and sooooo many of them out here and I've had the pleasure of meeting an assload of them. They all seem normal and friendly at first then they either A) never shut the fuck up about how cool they are, how fucked up America is and /or brag about how many books they've read or times they combed their pubic hair that day or B) always seem to be hiding some creepy secret- like gayness, child porn addiction, wearing/sniffing women's panties, dipping their balls in chocolate on Easter. Its like one big magical creepy uncle floats around that country like Panty Claws touching everybody and just putting one finger to his lips and winking like "shhhhhh don't tell daddy" . C) they're also big back patters, close talkers, awkward shoulder touchers and knee slappers-plus that bref stank!-. You know the type I'm talkin bout. the guy/ girl (mostly dudes tho) who feels the need to slap your knee/ back/ shoulder after a hilarious joke, great sports play or outrageous moment then belts out a loud uncomfortable laugh and an overly long stare of approval at you afterwards creating an awkward moment for everyone involved. And of course D) the lamest of lame who encompass all of the qualities above. I could go on for another 6 pages just profiling various Canadian characters I've encountered like Mark the Shark, Fat Crybaby Sarah, and Nate Dogg, a few superstars who have blown my mind with how brutal and cheap at life some people can be. People can talk all the shit they want about America but as a people on a coolness level we must be doin something right and without America, Canadian's wouldn't have anything to talk about. Never born more proud to not be from Canada. What a gayass culture.- Sorry to any homosexuals didn't mean to offend anyone with that gaynees comment and group you with Canadians-.
So scuba diving has been ill other than the 8 hour certification class I had to take at 7am on a Saturday. That was pretty beat street not gonna lie. My instructor was even a cool ass dude but I was fallin asleep in homeboys face like grampa after a 3 hour lemon party , a gallon of prune juice and a Murder She Wrote Marathon. Once I actually started open water diving though that really blew my muffin top off. First time we went out diving freal it was with me my 2 cooworkers, our instructor and his friend ,who was advanced certified and was just lookin to get in the water- he just wanted to get soaked ;)-. Of course what is his buddy's name? BJ- No Joke-. And to make it even better hes as fat as Bam Bam Bigelow(I had no idea they made wetsuits that big) with the facial hair of Bob Vila annnnd (drum roll please) hes from where else but the state of New Jersey. Boy oh Boy I had jokes lined up at Hello. He was cool tho(...ehh not really but I had a hell of a good time crackin an arsenal of jokes on his fatass for an entire weekend) and you could tell he hadn't yucked it up with some young post college cats in a while so he was salivating at the opportunity to unleash his Pandora's box full of gay jokes, penis humor and all that jazz he hadn't cracked the lid on in prolly 20 years . So all weekend me and him were goin back and forth shittin on each other every chance we got. Maaan good times shitting on old heads, kinda like playin ball with 4th graders except oldies still think they got it, but the kid was too quick for that slow dry old head humor. It was like Lebron vs. Kevin Duckworth coming out of retirement. So anyways that's BJ in a nutshell. Short Story tho:
Bj's been living in Korea for 13 years with his Korean wife - BTW( and knows as much Korean as I do and I don't know shit, all I can do is hit on chicks and order beers. I'm like you gotta be shittin me Beej?!?!13 years out here and your wife is Korean doggy?- and starts rambling about the romantic story of how him and the Mrs.BJ met. So close your eyes and take yourself back 13 years ago, the year is 1995 and BJ is a professor at a Korean University and attending a good ol fashion off campus house party with one of his professor pals (creeps!). Across the room of a classic, hectic, crowded college party atmosphere, BJ lays his eyes on a beautiful young Korean Co-ed. He turns to his friend and replies "See that girl over there. Shes gonna be my wife". His friend is like "Oh yeah?" and BJ proceeds to strut across the room and charm the pants off his future wife. He saddles up next to her and gives her the classic cheesy old guy, gay, happy days line "Hi my name is BJ, I'm a professor here at the University (SIDENOTE*-no shit Sherlock what other, 40 year old, 300 pound Americans are hangin around college parties in Korea. "Oh really a professor huh. I thought you were a student in my 8:30 Psych class I was gonna ask you for the notes"-) .I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. Would you like to go out and get something to eat sometime?" .The girl gives one like at BJ and replies "No" and immediately leaves the party. Time goes on and this poor girl ends up having Big Daddy BJ as her professor giving him endless opportunities to hit on her. Sooo BJ proceeds to ask this girl out to dinner every week for 6 straight months (Note- I am not making a single word of this up). June. "You wanna go out" "Nope".July. Nope. August. Nope. September. Nope. October. Nope. November. Nope. Finally December and the chilly winter finally arrive and the last day of the semester before winter break are upon BJ and his unsuspecting wife. Of course fate would have it, BJ and this chick managed to get snowed in to the university. The roads are unbearable, a few feet of snow are on the ground and BJ, never giving up, throws out one last hail mary, Doug Flutie style. "Hey I know you're probably going to say no, but I was wondering with all this horrible weather and nowhere to go ( *AKA you can't escape now bitch!) if you would like to go get a cup of coffee." The girl responds "Well Okay. I guess" and they walk off into the sunset together toward the campus coffee shop. And ladies and gentlemen that is that. Hook, line and sinker. Happily ever after. Noone will ever know what BJ said that snowy afternoon, but BeeJ must have spit some killer game over that cup of Maxwell House. Or maybe by "would you like to get a cup of coffee?" he meant "Listen bitch. I got some party powder back at my apartment if you wanna rip some smackers over my fat stomach and tell me what my dick looks like". Who knows, but If I've learned one thing from BJ is that if you want something in life you never give up on it. Even if it runs away from you the first time you see it and turns you down 25 weeks in a row. Ya might end up marrying it for 13 years.
Anyways BJ was a helluva character and that story had me rollin on the ground after he told it. I was totally expecting some cheesy ass story where comes off like the man and I'm ike nah "didn't happen Casanova aka Moby Dick", but lemme get back to this scuba talk. Its really like another world under there. Swimming through schools of thousands of fish, playin with clownfish, poppin jellyfish, wearing a wetsuit and pissing my pampies for warmth and comfort instead of feeling ashamed and guilty about life and the persons bed/ face I was sleeping on. Its unreal under the sea I was divin like 60 feet deep and I got like swept up and tripped out in the middle of a school of like 5 thousand fish. I like totally zoned out I'm like whoaaa look at all these fish it was like flying with a flock of birds. Next thing I know I looked down and realized I started floating to the top crazy fast and almost blew an eardrum out which woulda sucked a fat one. My instructor told me if you blow an eardrum out they gotta do surgery and all this jazz to your ear and its usually never the same .I woulda come back home talkin like Corky from Life Goes On all old manned out pumpin old man gear like Eazy E blue blockers, two hearing aids some Pampers, poop brown blazers and musty balls old guy cologne. Scuba diving is definetly the truth tho some shit I never thought I'd get into but I'm crazy glad I did. I'm supposed to go swimming with sharks in August which should be rad as long as they can't smell my juicy, rat brains through my wetsuit.
Teaching has been cool as hell lately too. Got a new batch of ding dongs, alotta the same little buttheads but some new sweet characters. This one cat can pump out a messed up Rubix cube in like 2 minutes no joke. Big ass dome I think hes hiding a computer up in that bowl cut. I'm gonna video tape this boy genius and put that shit on you tube and cop all that internet money. Got another student all the kids call GFM (Gay Frankenstein Monkey) who is wild as hell. This kid will do the most random shit like the other day in the middle of teaching he just popped up out of his desk and starts singing and dancing "I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT, I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!" with that chopped up Korean accent, I almost wet my draws, like seriously so funny a lil pee dribbled out. The funny thing about students in any culture- aside from the dick drawings- is they try to be sneaky as hell when trying to cheat, write on the wall/desk, punch a kid in the back of the head, beat it etc. thinking the teacher has no idea what kinda scheme they've cooked up. It becomes sooo obvious tho when you're in the teachers seat and have cheated your face off and fucked around for the majority of your high school and college career/life. Especially Asians tho when it comes to cheating they get real crafty on another level. I knew in high school if I needed a cheat sheet for a Biology test and hadn't studied ass, I would hit up the nearest asian in my class who always had the freshest cheat sheet printed out in a size 4 font with all 6 chapters on a piece of paper the size of a business card. The difference was it was public school with over 30 kids packed into a closet and the teacher was so old they ran ball at recess with Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Adams. These kids use alotta random shit to get their cheat on ; they do the hat trick, the book bag crack, the water bottle, writing shit on erasers, the classic cheat sheet under the thigh/desk, the pre-test desk sketch, the sunglasses in the afternoon, mustard answers written on the hotdog, the draw on the kids neck in front of me and of course the ol fashioned balls out glance at young homey next to me's test. I seen em all done em all and when it's test time I bait em and make them think I'm doin some dumb shit online, not paying attention and everytime some kid thinks he's 007, busts some cheat sheet out and then BLAM!I swarm on these lil creepers. Its like hunting a wild animal I love it. I straight up grip and rip their tests like a Hulkamania tank top. I started adding end zone celebration dances and catch phrases like "Ooooooh Yeaahhhhh" like the Kool Aid man just busted through the wall, while emphatically tearin it up in front of the whole class, all the while these tots sadly slump back into their seat with that look on their face like "Welp guess Momma Chong is gonna whup that ass hard tonite. Thanks Quinn Teacher"
