European Water Parks
Trip Start ??? ??, 2002
15Trip End Ongoing
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However, this was merely a distraction to Pedro, because there in the midst of all this scenic shit was a gigantic green flume, a bright yellow twisty chute and the aqua blue death defying kamikaze slide.
The following morning Pedro and the Band of Idiots woke up early, packed their rucksacks full of water and sun cream and set off on their trek to the mountainous edges of Magalluf for the chance to make their week long wet dreams come true - to slide down the death defying kamikaze slide that had lay in wait, tempting and teasing them for seven long days and nights.
As they walked up hill in the stifling morning sun the water park seemed to remain in the distance. Was it a mirage? Slogging away, step after step, up and up, scraping their flip flops across the piping hot gravel as they soldiered on in their quest for the water park. Every sip of water was consumed in the first 100 meters of the trip, as the sheer humidity just didn't mix well with an excruciating hangover. Pedro and The Band of Idiots struggled along, sweat soaking through their rucksacks that now felt like it had a dead body inside. One foot in front of the other, taking it one step at a time, knowing what it felt like to be abandoned in the desert, the group plodded along to the foot of the mountain. They had made it. They were alive. They had survived the 1 mile trek to their destination.
Finally at the edge of the earth, built into the mountainside sat the the beautiful site of the death defying kamikaze slide that stretched up to the mountain cliff tops overhanging this paradise, this water park, this symbolic statue representing the end of their journey.
Once in the park Pedro quickly stripped down to his shorts, kicked off his flip flops, covered himself in lotion and was ready for adventure. Running along, one thing in his mind, one goal, one aim for the day, Pedro headed straight to the big one. The aqua blue kamikaze. 100 feet high, the width of your body, shooting people out like cannonballs. Up the stairs he lept. It was early, so the queues hadn't formed yet. There was no time for anticipation. Straight onto the kamikaze. Sitting astride the slide looking down on the miniature people at the foot. Listening to the shouts from the Band of Idiots stirring him on. Arms crossed, legs straight out in front, lying on his back, Pedro pushed off from the top of the kamikaze.
Starting slowly the water pushed his body through the first few yards of the slide. Then, suddenly, the slide dipped, Pedro's body was propelled vertically down the slide like a rocket-man, his back was up off the slide, he was flying through the air with nothing to hold onto, he hit a bump in the middle that increased the speed, his face was contorted as he defied gravity, he was a human bullet, the lotion was adding to his speed, he was nearing the bottom, his shorts were burning across the slide, they were falling, slipping, he was naked as he splashed to a halt. Pedro had conquered the kamikaze. Pedro was a hero. Pedro was Superman without the pants.
For the rest of the day, no slide compared, no slide gave Pedro that adrenalin rush, no other slide was as terrifying. However, the most terrifying thing of all was the lack of safety in this European Water Park. As Pedro and The Band of Idiots adventured through the park, they could feel the slides shuddering. They could see the rusted nails that just about held the slides in place. Every time they went on a slide it was touch and go as to whether or not they would fall off the side.
But, more terrifying, more frightening than all was the walk up the stairs to the top of each slide. Now Pedro had never before feared heights, but at this water park it put the fear of death in him. Each step up the stairs had to be carefully taken. Between each stair there was a gap. A gap that could easily fit a 300 pound man. The safety railings in place swayed with the vibrations of the sliders. The sort of railings that with the slightest of touches would collapse beneath you. Railings made out of wet tissue paper would give your more safety. When they made it to the top they breathed a quick sigh of relief, before it occurred to them that the slide they were about to depart on was creaking more with every movement. They had two choices, chance it on the rusty slide, or walk back down the shuddering staircase. On all occasions Pedro and the Band of Idiots chose the lesser of two evils. They shouted about about having sex with their friends mum - which was repeated by the Germans behind them in the queue who thought this phrase was like shouting 'Geronimo' - and slid down to safety.
In light of this lack of safety, Pedro and the Band of Idiots used the dangers as a mechanism for fun. In the corner or the park, hidden behind the baby pool was a family slide. It was a slow, boring, flume where a family of five squeezed in beside each other on the same rubber dinghy for a relaxing ride around the flume. Grabbing the dinghy from the children's grasp Pedro with the Band of Idiots in tow went to the top of the flume, crushed themselves into the dinghy and pushed off down the slide. Turning the family slide from dull to danger, the Band of Idiots rode the dinghy like a bobsleigh. At each corner they Band of Idiots all leaned to the one side trying to ride the dinghy up the slide wall. At each corner the collective weight of the Band of Idiots helped edge the dinghy closing to falling over the side of the slide. People said this would be impossible but with he sheer disregard of safety on show in this water park it was very probable.
In the end the Band of Idiots didn't succeed in tipping their dinghy over the side of the slide. They just didn't have enough weight in their dinghy. Next time they would bring their fattest friends to the water park. The closest they got was when half of the dinghy rose above the slide wall, but gravity brought them crashing down on top of each other.
Battered and bruised, Pedro and the Band of Idiots left on another long trek home. Only this time they were unable to walk on the soles of their feet.
Throughout the day, running from slide to slide had took its toll on their sorry feet. As they moved along in their adventure they were burning their feet on the tarmac, that was heated up to boiling point in the Spanish sun. It was like they had spent the day moving across hot coals. The Band of Idiots had tried to dodge the sun drenched gravel, skipping between shaded areas, jumping in puddles of residue water, but in an open air water park this was just impossible.
So, off they went in the evening sun for a mile long trek walking home on their heels to soak their sorry feet in cold water, and drench their stomach with cold beer.