... Tatuagem

  Santa Cruz do Sul, Brazil
Thursday, August 28, 2008

THE PAST - A conversation via Skype with my mom - December 5, 2007

I can't envision anything. I have no wants. It's not a bad thing, it just is. I am quite content where I am. Very centered; but motion comes from intent and for now I truly have no intention. Of all the things I thought I wanted to do in this life, none of them matters now. LOL ... it's as if I've ceased to be the player and I have become the instrument, waiting to be played. (Smiling) ... and from that, one can look at it in a number of ways with regards to belief. To believe is to know that the player or (God) will move me to where I need to be and do. To not believe is to sit in wonder of what good is an instrument if there is no one to play it. In which case I could just make-up something to play ... it's just that I don't feel the need to do that anymore. I realize that I've been here many times in this life, each time becoming more aware and the reality becoming stronger. Each time after [a period of] waiting I made a choice to play a new song or direction and a few years would go by and [then] I would eventually end back here again trying to figure out the next song to play. The truth is that each time there was no desire to be the player. The desire and intention was always to be the instrument. And so I find myself here again, and this place is stronger and more real to me than ever before; and I am still an instrument that sits awaiting to be played. How long will I wait I wonder and is there the ONE to play me? Will IT play me or will (be the very act of survival in this world) I will have to create a new song and play myself once more. My songs or creations, although beautiful, do not last. They will always be as human as I am and shall not sustain. Only a true performance can, if there is such a thing, I wonder ... It is my hope that the next song, will not be played by me, but played through me.

BACK TO THE PRESENT ---

My life has been a series of 3's. 3 hours, 3 weeks, 3 months, and every blue moon, 3 years, but the end is always the same. That whatever it is must and will end. Nothing sustains. It is not my way to only taste life. For this romantic, I find the thought of this type of experimental way of living a damning way to be. How can you truly, spiritually, know and be a part of anything without the compound bonding that can only arrive through time. People, places, things, jobs ... I have known so many people, so many loves, so many jobs and the one apparent truth to my life is that it will not sustain.

So I came to Brazil to let life and this land do whatever it wishes to do with me. To embrace the all empowering NOW. Embrace the intentionality and intensity of each moment with the knowledge and because of the knowledge that in 3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks, or 3 months, this too shall pass, never to be recaptured again. To stop waiting with a hope and a hunger, a thought and a wonder for more. To not drag on in an vain attempt to sustain that which was never meant to be beyond a breath ... to move on. To forget as quickly as I use to hold on to. To look towards the next experience and the one after that and not try to sustain providence when its day has passed. To stop loosing time in the future and the past and live what is now. To taste life in all its forms, knowing that I may never enjoy the pleasure of a full meal. All you can eat buffet - limited time offer.

I've come to love Santa Cruz Do Sul and feel quite at home in this city, but as much as I would like it to be differently ... it's long since been time for me to leave. Soon I will begin working my way to Sao Paulo, to see what this Goliath of a city has to show me. After that, hopefully Manaus (the Amazon) and then onto my ultimate destination ... Salvador, Bahia, Brazil.

My First Tattoo-2

My First Tattoo

And although I know that even these glorious moments to come will not sustain ... I now have something that will.

Tatuagem! I needed to know that something in this lifetime will be with me, always. That it will sustain. And somehow my new tattoo gives me that.


Quote for the week: I don't like thinking about the past or the future. It brings to much weight into the present.