Doi Suthep- Part XII: The Breakthrough

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  Trat, Thailand
Monday, February 25, 2008

When was the last time
you looked inside your heart and said
It's beautiful here....?


My breakthrough at Wat Phra That Doi Suthep happened on Sunday afternoon, about eight hours into Determination.  It came after a solid night's rest and only a few hours after lunch, so sleep deprivation and hunger didn't play any meaningful role in the experience, though I can't speak for the potential hallucinatory side effects of my antimalarial medication.

I met with Teacher at seven that morning to begin this last phase of my introductory vipassana training.  After receiving my meditation instruction, I headed back to my room, leaving only to fill my water bottle and use the bathroom - for, as the rule of karma says, every action has a cause.  I spent the day in walking and sitting meditation.  As usual, some of my sessions were extremely to mildly pleasant while others were forced or uninspired.

At four in the afternoon, I had just started sitting for another fifty-minute session.  My archenemy, Waterwheel, was at it again, and I was having a difficult time locating my center.  I decided to note the sensation of hearing the sound, then the feelings of tension and anxiety in my body it was producing, and finally the accompanying emotion of fear I was experiencing.  As I did this, I found myself engaged in a familiar internal dialogue, trying to make myself feel better, to stop being annoyed, to rationalize why the sound shouldn't be a distraction.  But my fear of failure continued to build, and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

And then, in an instant, I decided that I was just plain tired of this shit.  I was tired of my relentless self-judging.  I was tired of being so god damned hard on myself.  I said three words to myself in a voice of complete conviction, like I had never meant anything else I had ever said in my life.

let.....it.....go.....

And that's when it happened.  Immediately after I said those words, a powerful energy surged through my body, what I can only describe to you now as the force of pure awareness: a stream of consciousness without attachment that did not belong to me, but to the universe itself.  By the way, for the kids at home, now would be a good time to drop some acid if you have any....

For most of my life, I've noticed that I always seem to take in just a little more breath than I let out, so that when I've finished breathing, it's like there's a little bit of extra air trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go.  Immediately, this pure awareness went to work on my lungs, and I began what would amount to an hour-long exhalation.  I honestly don't recall taking any oxygen in, although physiologically I'm sure I must have.  It was like the air being let out of a balloon, and I felt as though my body was slowly decompressing and shrinking.

At the same time, the energy focused its efforts on my shoulders and neck, giving me a massage from the inside out, slowly and fully loosening my muscles.  From there, it moved down to my chest, prying away the vice-like grip there, so my heart was allowed to beat freely and without constraint for the first time in what seemed like forever.  It crept down into my back, worked through the knot in my stomach, and wound its way through every pore of my physical being.

After my body was free from tension and pain, I could see clearly inside myself, and I realized how powerful that physical armor had been.  All of that air and all of that tension over all of that time, trying to protect me.  Now, with my defenses down, I felt raw and exposed and real.  There was nothing to protect anymore, just an opportunity to embrace and love.

In just a second's time, I was able to offer myself complete forgiveness.  Forgiveness for being so hard on myself, for my frustrations and fears, from the self-doubts formed here and from many years ago, for just....everything.  And as I accepted this forgiveness, I cried for a very, very long time.  By the way, we're talking about serious crying here, you know?  The kind where you totally don't care what anyone thinks, so the saltwater and the snot is just everywhere?  I don't really know why I cried, and I didn't try to figure it out at the time, but looking back, I think there were as many tears of gratitude as there were ones of compassion.

And then, as quickly as it had started, it was over.  My eyes opened.  Almost an hour and a half had passed since my session started.  I expected to find myself slumped over in my chair, nearly on the floor - I certainly felt as though I had been physically and mentally run over by a truck - but I was sitting fully upright.  I hadn't moved an inch during the entire ninety minutes.  I felt calm and peaceful.  I felt good.

A few hours later, I found myself settling back into my familiar pattern of doubt and self-judgment, but that's OK.  Pure awareness isn't a permanent state of being for any of us, and I was really just grateful to have borrowed some for a little while.  I'm grateful to realize there's a universal force that can strip off the layers and force us to get real if we have the courage to see what's underneath.  I've been thinking about it a lot, and for me, I think it's about being more vulnerable and less afraid of what that says about me.  I need to work on letting that go, too.


Coming Soon- Part XIII- More Determination

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