Beijing Hotels
|
  | |  |
Day 9 in Big Brother China
Entry 2 of 4 | show all | print this entry |
Ni How (KNEE HOW) - Hello - a word a day!!!
After the spitting tournament I have decided to lodge an appeal with the IOC, it seems performance enhancing drugs were being used by my competitors...they managed to hit a street record of 7 metres. The celebrations went on all night....dumplings all round....
We hit the apartment trail in the following couple of days and trooped off to meet our agent. We have a lady looking after us that runs an event company - our Mr Abdul in China so to speak. She came along with her assistant to make sure we weren't being swindled, then there were two people from the apartment block so all in all there were 9 people - we felt like royalty...6 people required to show us round potential accommodation.
The agents get paid the equivalent of one months rent, a lot of money even for us - for them shag loads... if they secure the deal - so they are obviously very eager to please and very eager for your business - I think we had three agents chasing us round the complexes - felt a touch like being followed by Chinese Secret Service. "We've lost them" - then round the next corner - another one would pop up. They have the look of a sleazy, shiny grey suited, grey loafer wearing, second hand car salesman - "Well Paul, buying a house is very much like making love to a beautiful women, first you have to..." A Fast Show reference for those not au fait with the BBC - trust , it was funny..
We found a lovely apartment, a brand spanker...big rooms and even the small one (mine) is ample. We put an offer on the place, it has a fancy restaurant nearby, it is actually called fancy restaurant!! a gym and Lenny lives there too, Kristens friend - watch this space...
We opened our fridges after a hard day house hunting to find the cupboard bare - it appears Goldilocks had been round and stolen all our food...off to the supermarket to get some replacement supplies. We had seen a Carrefour near our hotel. Websy told me that when she went to France for the rugby, she was astounded that Carrefour had made it from Doha to France - "they were everywhere she recited"...
I didn't have the heart...
"Really Kristen, fancy that, a Qatari company making good in France....nearly would have thought it the other way around...the world never ceases to amaze me..."
In we went to the Qatari equivalent of Marks and Sparks - it was rammed. If you can imagine the World Record attempt at getting people in a mini cooper - 27 or something daft - well I think we went to the supermarket on 'world record attempt at getting people in a supermarket day' must have been about a million people - you could not move - I felt like I was in cue for a nightclub and I was only trying to get some milk - sorry mate, can't come in...need a collared shirt - but I just want some semi skimmed - Mate, I'm sorry it's Aisle policy, no shirt no entry.... This was going to be tough. Brand new collared shirt on, onwards and upwards to get our milk....
Supermarkets over here are like gold mines for an homeless - at the end of every aisle is a lady giving away or sampling something - "I don't mind if I do", I found myself saying on regular intervals....I had
Milk, Hot Coffee, Biscuits x 2, Doughnuts, Cheese, Pate, Chicken based thing and some Washing Up Powder..
I practically had a full breakfast, a veritable feast..... I decided to get something local so not knowing the lingo...I pointed...it looked great but tasted like the inside of a dusty cardboard box...absolutely rank, it promised so much.. I threw it away... Whilst waiting for the guys I witnessed something quite remarkable - a young boy doing the Forrest Gump dance wanted the loo obviously quite badly - the mother, a tad over 3 foot - instead of taking him to the ample toilet facilities, whipped down his trollies right there and then in front of the checkouts and hung him over the dustbin like a greek water feature - for a second I thought I was on candid camera, the look of bewilderment on my face must have been priceless. Right now there is a million households in China laughing at the stupid white man, the Chinese Jeremy Beadle is chuckling to himself....ha ha ha ha ha....look at stupid white man!!!
But that's ok because then a lady with no teeth and dirt in her hair climbed into the bin found my tasty morsel of left over cardboard, dipped it in boys wee, hey presto...supper....poor thing...
I have noticed that certain foods have certain colours on the wrapping - its true - in the UK green equals mint...and so on. Well over here they have a new colour...purple. If you get purple anything, crisps, ice cream, biscuits, cereal - they all taste the same. Pray tell - what does purple taste like - well it tastes like sweaty plums, a chemical toilet or maybe formaldehyde ...it is probably one of the most off putting tastes and smells know to man. Tip 1 - steer clear of purple food..
As you well know my idea of heaven after a big night out is curled up on the couch with my Grandad in his chair making me brews and butties whilst watching the Antiques Roadshow. The old men with their posh soothing voices and the dotty old dears with their antiques somewhat calms the soul. Whether it be the old England that I dearly miss or the serene senility of the participants I am not sure, but it does calm one most effectively. It is rather funny when they get to the price part though - well I'm not really bothered about the price you know, its been in the family for 80 years - BOLLOCKS - as soon as Aspel says, "well for insurance purposes you should probably insure it for in the region of 10 thousand pounds" - a calculation goes on in every person on the programme - how many cruises round the Med can I get for this? - hmmm - that's 5000 nights at the bingo!!!
Well, I have found the Chinese equivalent - Beijing Radio shows. Seriously - if you want to fall asleep feeling at peace with the world listen to a Chinese radio show on your way to work - the incessant bantering of voices hypnotises one and you wake up an hour later ready to start the day...
That is all and thank you - the next update on our little adventure in the Orient is a while away I reckon....oh and I haven't even mentioned the Chinese Ricky Ponting working in the shop round the corner...
Punter - if you had have been born in Beijing - life would have been a bit different fella - it was him though because when he gave me my change I think I heard - "get in the shed you pommie bastard" Some things never change...
Ol x
|
|
If you like this entry, search for other entries from China or try a new search. |
| |
Back to Entry - Back to Home
|
5 votes 
