Wrapping things up

Trip Start Jan 17, 2008
Trip End Jun 05, 2008

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Friday, May 30, 2008

okay so this is going to be a bit manic because there are a lot of things in my head and this is the best tool i have to streamline them other than making a really nutty chart which maybe ill do when i get home. i almost dont know where to begin.

1. have a week left. tmorrow is last day at ACJ yesterday was my last afternoon there and tomorrow is my last day overall. im not really sure what will take place. i didnt really get a goodbye with the kids on wednesday because they all kind of ran out after refrigerio. but maybe it is better bc i almost started to cry when i did get a chance to say goodbye to one of the girls. this is the girl who looked like kira from the dark crystal but was kind of a bad kid and its hard bc she is a smart girl but shes kind of jerky about it and really misbehaves and you could attribute it to age but its more likely attributed to her surroundings and shed be really brilliant if she just had someone to be that role modelly person but how do you get a kid to understand that.

2. ah i am really glad i did this tho it has been SO hard at times. other times it has been really great. i remember on the trek i had this great feeling about thinking about how far i had come in the preceding months. and now i feel i have come farther. it has definitely changed things for me. i know i will not be satisfied with certain things when i come back. i will not be satisfied with not challenging myself. i will not accept just the status quo or think well im not sure if i can do it so im not going to do it. and maybe im thinking things in terms of grad school maybe other things i dont know but seeing these kids here and how they live and even people here who arent so poor who may never have the opportunity to travel out of their own country who will never have the chance for a really good education makes me want to take advantage even more of the opportunities that i might have. it makes me not want to settle for things, settle for the average whatever - it makes me not want to settle because i know i dont have to - its my choice. it makes me not want to hide behind my insecurities/doubts/excuses anymore.

2a. and when flor left she was right - it feels shitty. it is shitty bc i get to go back to a place where i have running water and electricity (well i have it at the apt here) but i get to go back to a place where i dont ever have to worry about the things they worry about you know. not that i think they necessarily live a sad life or anything - bc i dont like to feel sorry for people. its like saying my life is better than theirs - i mean i dont know that. but i do know that i have more options and resources to change things in my life for the better. and its hard to reconcile with that - because it doesnt seem fair. and i feel like it is a waste of the opportunities i have to just settle - it seems even more unfair- when i say settle im not sure what i mean but i guess i feel like i have just settling for things the past few years. i guess i mean just accept status quo? i dont know - i guess one example would be me going to a grad school program that i dont think would challenge me enough bc it is cheaper or something. going to a program that doesnt challenge me to be smarter etc defeats the purpose of me going to grad school i think.

2b. back to opportunities - what is the extent of a person with oppotunities´´ responsibility to someone who doesnt have those opportunities? what is the extent of those who dont have those opportunities responsibility to account for the lack of opportunity? and the community´s responsibility? and the government? and businesses? why do some people have these opportunities and others dont?

3. it is hard to be çlieve that that in one week i will be in a car with my dad and kep back to tampa... and ill be just like everyone else. and ill have clean feet! (things im looking forward to and not looking forward to will be another blog post maybe if i have time) bc i have not been like everyone else for awhile. i mean i dont know what the value of being like or not like everyone else really is. but it is a really eyeopening experience to be the minority.

4. in the end i have to take all the good memories with me and learn from the hard ones. i cant worry about leaving the kids and the community behind bc there will be other volunteers and other nonprofits to help. i need to take the lessons with me and not forget and that is the best that i can do for them.

5. i really feel like this trip has kind of primed me for more adventures whether it be more wandering or grad school or working or i dont know.. i really do feel like this is the beginning of many things... i just have to not lose the motivation, the momentum or the lessons. i just have to give it a go thats all :)

so i think i will end it there if you have made it thru the manic with me thank you i love you and ill see you soon probably :)

i will try to get another post in here about the weekend trip to huamachuco and lima but we´ll see....
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