Guineas Guides and Guido

Trip Start Dec 29, 2009
Trip End Dec 24, 2010

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Flag of Peru  ,
Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I am in a war with the lady who cleans our dorm. She seems to have a problem with the end at which I put my pillow on my bed (aka lower- close -to -the- door bunk)

If you can imagine, we have two bunks in our room (hurrah, sucked into 403 who have 2400 bunks in their room! mwah ah ah.That's abit evil isn't it), and one goes against the north sth facing wall then our bunk is perpendicular to this, which means the end of ours and the top of theirs literally touch. Now i'm all for squishing in bunks, they do have to make money (must be making a mozzarella from 403) but it doesn't mean I feel the need to wrap my hair and the curly dreadlocks of the girl in other bottom bunk together in some sort of hair spoon. Dorms are close enough quarters without touching noggins.

When we arrived I naturally moved my pillow to the other end of the bed, put my pjs (currently very exclusive I SURVIVED THE DEATH ROAD t shirt. So sporty) under the pillow, put secret case with locker key and emergency drugs (berroca and neurofen... Don't want to have to walk all the way to the bathroom with a stinking hangover now do I) under also, then remade bed, put water bottle on floor at that end... You get the picture. Pretty much put a sign in neon lights up saying I AM SLEEPING HERE. Also this new end had nice window above it excellent for airing certain dreadlock persons BOo out but that's another issue we don't need to go into here (oh ok then just quickly, worst in history, think she slept with rotten eggs strapped to arm pits)

The next day, returned from sightseeing to find bed made. How nice thoght I. That's a bit fancy, go our choice in hostel, success yet again etc etc. But mysterious wonderous bed maker had made bed with pillow at dreadlock end. With all aforementioned gadgets setup at that end too. Pillow, water, drugs, everything. No matter, I will move back to no BO near window position

Next day, again, fairy bedmother moves sleep equipment. Again, I relocate.

Third day. Fourth day. Come on fairy bedmother it must be bleedingly obvious by now. Further she must have smelt eggpits as well and drawn connection. Nope, 5th day, again. Right, this is WAR fairy bed bitch. I will conquer you. I slept until 2pm so when she came in she saw me sleeping in correct (albeit curled over, ill slightly green looking) direction. Nope nothing to do with being hungover.

Unfortunately we left today. I actually saw her in the hallway for the first tine and she is a gorgeous lovely little Peruvian girl. Wouldn't you know it she is wearing a mask over nose and mouth so maybe the apocolyptic stench was only light egg breeze not dissimilar to pig pen smell or something.

So, Lima. What a place! Who would have thought the place to recuperate and revive would be the capital of Peru. Insane. Although I guess our definition of revive would be different to most people, but for us professional backpackers this means:
- Buy new toiletries
- Sleep for 103 hrs, eat, drink, return to bed, and start again
- Have sushi.. Good sushi. Amazing sushi
- Have Chinese! They have a Chinatown here. Bizaare. Can anyone say roast duck (wow)  noodles (insane) with mushrooms (omg) broccoli (omg omg) and bok Choy( UNBELIEVABLE)
- See a movie that Is, and has been kept in, english (as opposed to an originally made in English film, altered so it has voices dubbed over the top in Spanish that make Denzel Washington sound like a mexican hyena) and is made post 1991
- Sleep more
- Have salad that includes avocado! Amazing
- Visit starbucks for a latte (cost 1000 dollars, never again)
- Walk through a food court, find a timezone like place and race each other in Super Mario, Formula 1 and shoot each other up on the Rambo game. And play deal or no deal. Awesome. And we won Barbie playing cards. Jealous?

A few days in western life land and we are revitalized! Refreshed! And back in a dance with Latin American culture. First stop, Huacachina to slide down the sand dunes and have lunch with a parrot next to a lagoon locals say is haunted by an Inca princess turned mermaid. Will let you know if we see her

Before you ask, yes we did do other things besides seek out/consume western products. We did not do much except for eat however. It's just what we ate that was different. Besides Chinese and sushi (The memory makes me so happy) we had some local dishes, most crazy ala authentic being
1. guinea pig, which was in a flat square piece and in tomato-y sauce. A girl at the hostel told us later you can either get it round ish, which is more bony, or flat. She asked us what we got and we said flat. She said this means they flattened it with a hammer. Cue lights: Eye bulge, camera: queasy stomach, action: nostalgia for once was round alive guinea pig. More tequila please maestro. and
2. ceviche (raw fish in lime and chilli), very nice yet comparatively far less interesting than ¨flattened with mallet to resemble cardboard household pet¨ meal mentioned first

We also went on the rounds of the various plazas, churches abd catacombs of Lima. The architecure of the city centre is amazing. Huge grand buildings dating back to 1500s such as art museums, the justice building and various buildings around plaza de armas (main square) which are world heritage listed

We did one tour through the catacombs of the San Francisco church. The church part has a library which has the oldest books I have ever seen in it, including some from 1100ad. Our guide, very small little Peruvian man, took us through the church and then stopped at the top of a set of stairs which clearly went down underneath the chapel.

"and now, my friends, (insert drum roll) are u ready to see ze bones?"

Errr. Silence

"zer are 25,000 people here underneath tis church. (pause for effect) Maybe more but we haven't sorted them yet"

Sorted? He must have meant counted. Or found. Naturally we put it down to his English (he was doing the tour in English and was doing very well) and didnt think anymore of it

Until we realised he did mean sorted

After twisting and winding down stone steps which went a few levels underground he stopped next to a series of pits with glass tops.

"see we have sorted ze bones. Here are ze leg bones. We had to put glass on top as tourists were taking them"

"Christmas presents?" I quipped. He didn't think that was funny but I thought of mums face if I wrapped up a leg bone and put it under the tree and found it hyterical. Let's be honest it would never have made it through custom.. they would have confiscated it and put me in a mental asylum. Who steals bones from catacombs? Hasn't any one heard of karma?

Anyway after perusing the leg offerings guide starts again ..

"do u want to see more bones?"

Oh yes alrght then. This time skulls. "it goes 10metres deep" Jesus christ!

We then saw skulls arranged in a festive pattern with their leg bone counterparts. Few skulls in the middle, then skull leg skull leg fanning out from the centre like a sun of death and doom. This is in a round pit about 10m wide and apparently 20m deep

"It's creative, no?"

Yes Pedro I guess it is creative. Can we leave now?

"U don't want to see ze more bones?"

Sunshine was welcomed with open arms five minutes later. Ironically we then went and saw the movie "the lovely bones" which was not intentional but it was an amazing movie everyone must see.. but read the book first. For schizzle.

So that, my friends, is Lima. Now on a bus almost at the mermaid lagoon and I dont want to miss the last 5 minutes of the Spanish comedy playing on the tv. From what I can tell someone slept with their husbands brother who had a child with his aunty that spends all her time singing Spanish love songs dreaming about the gardener with is secretly the killer of her mother. enthralling television.

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