Feeling like a Suuupermodel in Karlovy Vary
Trip Start May 15, 2006
21Trip End Aug 03, 2006
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Until, that is, visiting Karlovy Vary in the west of the Czech Republic.
This little town on the border with Germany is home to the great "spa treatments" that Europeans tend to go nuts over. As far as I could tell, it was nothing more than swimming around in a flash pool, but more of that later.
The town is over-run by overweight Russian and German women, complete with furs, little yappy dogs, oversized sunglasses, and the most amazingly bad hair dye jobs, you'd swear they were wigs from the Communist era.
These spas promise weight loss, cure of digestive problems, skin conditions, and probably even pledge to cure homicidal tendencies and Russian citizenship, if you look closely enough at the fine print.
My spa experience at the Castle Spa was probably the weirdest thing ever. In the four-hour package, I got a massage, and unlimited paddling time in the big warm bath, but also had the choice of other options. I'm not entirely sure how I chose these options (it may have been something in the translation) but I ended up getting a gum irrigation treatment. I kid you not, they shoved a hose in my mouth for 20 minutes. I don't know what it was meant to cure, but the most fun I got out of it was competing against myself to spit the water out higher and higher up against the sink. Truly horrible.
And then there was an "ultrasound inhalation", where I got to breathe licorice flavoured mist through a very high-tech looking machine, once again for 20 minutes. There's only so much fun you can have...
However, I walked out feeling as light as a little cloud, which lasted until I tucked into some more hearty Czech cuisine that night. Now I understand how they keep these women coming back, time and time again...
***LOST IN TRANSLATION: The funniest comment overheard this week***
German man to Russian woman in posh restaurant in Karlovy Vary
Man: "You have beautiful eyes, brown, like a deer in the woods."
Man: "You have beautiful teeth, also like a deer in the woods."