Ponderings and mental pissings
Trip Start Dec 28, 2004
272Trip End Ongoing
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The years definitely flip by with an increasing rate of speed which is a bit frightening. the one downside of being an atheist is that i have no soothing dogma that will ease my mind as i grow older. no promise of an afterlife awaiting me either in the fluffy clouds or in the heated flames. as an atheist i face the great nothing, the turning off of my consciousness in a finality that is quite discomforting. i understand why something like 98% of people believe in some sort of higher power and conversly in some sort of after life. its a reassuring message, that there is something after the death that we are all obligated to face sooner or later. unfortunately my analytical mind and my deep belief in common sense will not allow me to enjoy this comfort. again, the only real downside to atheism
the summer solstice has come and gone once again with the usual bonfires and public drunkeness that is associated with this astronomical event here in alaska. people take their daylight pretty fucking seriously up here and the solstice is the pinnacle of the summer sunlight. over the next few days we will start losing 20 seconds here and then 50 seconds there. by the time i usually leave in september, we are losing something like 15-18 minutes of daylight PER DAY which is just nuts. it will be nice to see stars and the moon again though because there is not much oppurtunity to catch those at the moment. the moon rising over the mountains and reflecting on the waters of kachemak bay is one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen. the trick is to be off work AND awake when this happens. a rare occurance indeed.
i have begun to feel more and more estranged from my family as the years pass and the mileset between us dont shrink. My sister finally reconciled with me after years of anger about my stint in prison, only for it to all go sour due to a long and drawn out fiasco. my other sister is a sweetheart who just had twins last month (good job jan) but i dont have much in common with her and i speak to her via email maybe twice a year. When my brother and I have time to talk we seem to have great conversations and get along great but with him having a demanding job and 3 kids, there is not much free time which i understand. my parents are lovely people and i talk to them as much as possible but again, i have seen them pretty much once in the last 6 years which is mostly my fault since i never come back home to visit. aunts and uncles and cousins unfortunately fade away all to easily. it seems that i have really worn thin the root that connects me to the family tree. its an interesting problem since really the only way to correct this situation would be to reside MUCH closer to home...... at least in the continental united states.....but i dont see this happening any time too soon. i would love to be closer to my family but i dont see myself living in america, and if i were to make that return to u.s. sovereignty i would probably be living up in alaska and not in the cornfields of illinois. dillemas are abound but that is life i suppose.
i was discussing all of this with one of my coworkers. he is one of those pseudo intellectual art students who is probably destined to be of the starving artist camp but his two cents worth was that i was of a selfish nature. he didnt mean it in a disparaging manner, just that the things that were most important to me were my happiness and my well being.
I have always found it strange that people would base their entire lives around the lives of others. i mean it would be great to see my nieces and nephews ALOT more then i have managed thus far but would that justify my living in the chicago area? spending time with the parents would be great, especially around all the holidays but again, is it a feasible possibility for me to stay in the realm of the suburbs for this purpose? i suppose i have always had a bit of a wandering spirit and have never felt tied down to much at all.
i joined the army and moved out of my house at 17 and really havent looked back. its been a wild ride here and there and quite a few years were spent in illinois but it never really seemed to have the gravitational pull that "home" sometimes exerts onto people. all of my friends from high school are still in the chicago suburbs and as far as i know, all my friends from college are still in illinois somewhere so i am the outlier. i am the abnormal one even though i dont feel abnormal.....well at least not in this regard. my question is, how did this come about? how have i become so disengaged with the place that i associate most with my upbringing? i find this all very odd and have no idea how it happened.......things i think about
i like looking at old pictures of the settlers of alaska. i can look at these pictures for hours while trying to imagine what their lives must have been like. life must have been so different in those days as to not even be imaginable to us now with all of our comforts. yes alaska is still a little different.....a lot of my friends live in cabins with no running water after all....but the hardships and life that these people must have faced before the roads were put in and before snow mobiles (snow machines if you are alaskan) and chain saws. these people either had real balls our were borderline certifiably insane. either way, they fascinate me.
it is getting late and i have to work in the morning, as usual but on a last note...there is still a sizeable dent in my head from where a scuba tank bonked me a good one back in november. i mean i could probably pour a bit of soup in there and eat it if i stood steady enough. is this thing every going to go away or am i stuck with this little souveneir for the rest of my life? talk about a war story eh? the time a giant irish man knocked me the fuck out.........
p.s. the spell checker is broken on this website at the moment so i apologize about all of my misspells. please forgive my edumacation