Bye bye ms. Thai pie : (

Trip Start Dec 28, 2004
Trip End Ongoing

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Monday, November 24, 2008

So here I am once again writing and spilling forth my inner thoughts and life for all to read and ponder and sift through.  I have written a few posts since I arrived back in Thailand and have talked about various things but never really mentioned ninny (for those new readers she is the long time girlfriend of yours truly).  Many of my loyal readers have emailed me and asked why mum on that particular subject and I haven't really given a good answer but I feel now is the time to kind of record this moment in life along with all the others.
What many of you need to understand before I get into this a little bit is that before ninny,  my longest relationship had stood at about 6 months.  This isn't too bad for an 8th grader but for a man of 31 years it was pretty pitiful truth be told and this was the state of affairs when I met ninny.  I never expected her to be a long term relationship but things progressed as they tend to do and I soon found myself wrapped tight into a soap opera that spun around the sole ninny axis.  When you have been lonely through the years and haven't had much luck in love then sometimes the drama that a woman brings into your life can be viewed as a good thing.  So ninny and I dated and set up house on ko tao.  One thing led to another and soon I was in her village meeting her parents and being eyed suspiciously by her grandmother.  We shared a lot of laughs and a lot of fights.  We loved and argued and lived as many couples do and eventually my parents travelled to Thailand and met her over a three week period and I received the parental seal of approval
Im not going to get into many specifics about things here but there were times where I really thought to myself that I should just let her go and move on but I was afraid of being that guy who pushed away love because he was afraid. I did not want to think a couple of months down the road that I didn't try hard enough and that I gave up so I ended up putting up with a lot of shit.  The arguments were frequent and the actions that were causing these arguments were almost ceasless.  I wasn't sure if I was just being a stubborn boyfriend or if I should feel seriously slighted so I took a survey of a few different people that I know and the overall reaction was "she did what?!!" so I knew I wasn't completely off base by being offended.
The 3 months leading up to my yearly Alaska summer was spent in ninny's village and the fighting stopped and we grew really close.  When I left for Alaska I was emotionally ruined even though I was coming back in a few months (its hard for me to even think about NOW) and many of my hours in Alaska were spent thinking about ninny.  She called me every day from Thailand and we stayed close though the summer and I think it was somewhere around mid july that I decided that I was going to ask her to marry me.  My plan was to come back to Thailand and spend 2-3 months with her living our usual life and just making sure that we were ok and things were stable and then I was going to propose on one of my favorite little deserted beaches on the night of a full moon.  The problem is that as soon as I arrived in Thailand things quickly regressed to our old usual bullshit and I found myself putting up with it all over again.  Unfortunately I have reached my breaking point and I realize that sometimes things just don't work  out no matter how hard you try and no matter how hard you wish.  I just read a great quote in a book that fits this point in my life...."the person with the power in a relationship is the person who loves the least".  Up until the past 2 weeks or so this position was held by ninny but I have slowly shuffled my way to the front of this pitiful little race.
This is the point where you ask yourself the old "is it better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all?".  I have a lot of great memories and can still smile and laugh to myself over some of her antics.  please picture a dinner with my parents and her.  At one point she turns to me and says "suck my toe bitch." And at another she throws a condom on the table in disgust because "too small for neal." Fucking hilarious memories that I will never forget but on the other side I feel that I gave my heart to someone who did not treat it with the care that it deserved and in the end that my love was soiled and useless.......I guess it's a toss up.
I suppose I could have written this post about a month ago but I have declared ninny and I's relationship over before, only for it to be resurrected from the ashes like a mighty, horny phoenix.  I wanted to make sure this time that we were indeed finished with each others lives before I posted this.  I suppose the writing and the posting of this is a sort of last nail in the coffin.  So neal's new record for a relationship is 1 year and 8 months which isn't too bad I guess but now I have to begin again, start over when the mood strikes and the opportunity presents itself.
I had a strange conversation with a girl I have known for years.  In the spirit of full disclosure and for this story to make sense....she is a thai "working" girl and we have gotten together here and there over the years.  Anyway, directly after the Ninny break up I found myself in the warm embrace of her arms one evening and she turns to me and says "can I ask you question?"  she then continues "you not get tired of this neal? Different lady so many time you no have wife or die alone."  Jesus Christ, talk about a kick in the balls.  That's the last thing I really wanted to hear at that particular moment...I suppose the words didn't exactly ring hollow.
On other news....I have a couple of snorkeling trips lined up with some well to do kids from some international schools in bangkok.  Working with a couple hundred 11 year olds is not exactly fun but it pays really well and im beginning to grow impatient with the lack of STEADY work on the live aboards.  I don't like having to wait for a phone call to be able to work.  Bit of a pickle I suppose.  Anyway, life continues here with all tethers and anchors to my life cut free once again.  I am afloat for better or worse.
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