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  Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Monday, December 17, 2007

Therican - thanks for linking my blog to your website. That`s cool of you. The more people that read this thing the better I guess.

December 16, Sunday

I don`t remember what really happened this day. I`m sure I woke up late. I did go to the beach for awhile and I met up with Juliana for a bit. She is much cooler at night and not to mention better looking, go figure. She is pretty lame and doesn`t want to chill on the beach as she doesn`t like the beach. What, how is this possible, you are Brazilian, repeat after me, Braaaaaziiiiiiillllllliiiiiaaaaaan. You have to like the beach. But she doesn`t and we chill at a table along the beach (at least she isn`t opposed to being close to the beach) at some kiosk and drink coco water or something. She doesn`t even have on a bikini, just jean shorts and a non-revealing shirt. This sucks. There are literally 1000`s of chicks just a stones throw away from me with about as much material covering their bodies that would be needed to be covered by a retarded 3rd grader for his upcoming spelling test and I`m stuck here with jean shorts and t-shirt girl. Where did I go wrong in life to deserve such injustice? I mean, this chick isn`t even tan. Where am I, fucking Iowa (it definitely isn`t heaven)? She has to leave in 2 hours which is like 1 hour and 61 minutes too long. When she leaves she asks if she can kiss me, sure loser, go ahead, I don`t give a fuck, you better fucking enjoy it though because I ain`t going to try very hard and you won`t ever see you again. Peace.

December 17

Today is deemed get healthy day. I am completely run down and my body is running on fumes. I decide I will get healthy and fix myself for the next 4 days and then party my ass off on Friday and Saturday. I have to as I am completely cashed. I go to Belo Horizonte on Sunday. It`s always more fun to party when you feel good as opposed to like shit. I switch hostels as I want to stay in Copacabana for awhile and check out that area a bit more. I have stayed in Ipanema for like a week which is long enough. I check into Mellow Yellow which is like the biggest hostel ever. There must be at least a 100 people here. They have a jacuzzi, a chill room, a tv room and english is spoken everywhere. This is the biggest hostel I have been to by far and I must admit it looks like a lot of fun. Get to my room and one of my roomates is still sleeping and it`s 1pm. He turns out to be Irish, go figure. As he explained it, he had one too many pints. This dude cracks me up. He's been in this same hostel for like 2 weeks and he thinks he sort of runs things around here since he has been here the longest. He gives me a very detailed and lengthy account of how he stole a fan from the room adjacent to ours and that they keep trying to steal it back and how we have to keep the door locked and hide the fan when not in the room and that I need to give any new people who are staying in our room the detailed instructions concerning security issues with the fan. He is obsessed with this fan, but I agree we need it as it`s fucking hot. His enthusiasm and devotion though towards said fan kill me. His fan story seriously took like 15 minutes. It was pretty good though.

I go to Copocabana beach for the first time and go from one public workout facility to the next. These beaches have pull up bars and parallel bars placed like every 100-200 meters apart along the beach. Ok, that tired me the fuck out, time to go chill on da beach. As I am walking along the beach I notice a chick laying by herself who looks pretty smoking and I notice she takes a bit of a glance at me. Well, I have to lay on the beach somewhere, this spot is as good if not better than anywhere else. I set up(by set up I mean I lay my towel down on the sand) about 7-8m from where she is situated. I notice I am right in front of Help night club which is the most notorious hooker institution in all of Rio. Basically, if you go to Help you are there for one reason and one reason only. I honestly thought she was hooker at first. She had the necessary body to be a well paid hooker, she was laying on the beach by herself, she was in front of Help and she kept looking at me. I heard her talking to the beach waiter guy though and from what she said I could tell she didn`t live in Rio. Hey, if she doesn`t live in Rio, that means she is simply on vacation and just relaxing in the sun. Screw it, might as well initiate contact. I really do want to swim so I ask her if she will watch my things (good opening line as you should never leave your shit unattended on the beach in Rio) and she tells me to speak English. Sweet, she speaks English. I talk to her for about 10 minutes before jumping into the ocean. I talk to her upon my return to land and she lives in Germany but was born and lived in Rio most her life. She lives in Hamburg actually, which is funny because I own a shirt that says Hamburg on it (Fraser knows exactly what I`m talking about). I tell her of my shirt, thinking that would spark a common connection between us but she seems less then impressed. Fine, phase II game, make fun of her as much as possible and act non-interested, which I do very well. Anyways, she`s 22, speaks 5 languages (Portuguese, Spanish, English, Italian and German) and is rich. We hang out the entire day on the beach and then later on we get some beers at one of the many kiosks that line the sidewalk along the beach. At like 8pm as the sun is going down we jump in the ocean and when the waves come crashing in she acts like more of a pussy than Scooby and Shaggy. We end up laying on the beach next to each other soaking wet and a little bit cold which provides the perfect opportunity for making out. I make out as much here as 8th graders playing spin the bottle. Anyways, great day. Melissa, although a bit overly concerned with fashion, designer products and matching her cell phone to her swim suit is actually super cool and takes my shit very well and even keeps up somewhat with dishing it back out.

I forgot to mention, earlier, someone almost drowned when we were laying on the beach during the day. I was going to run in and save the poor bastard but then I remembered my dealings with the dolphins and figured it would be worse to have the lifeguards save two people as opposed to one. Melissa said she would help but she didn`t want to get her hair wet (reminds me of a Seinfeld episode, either not giving the guy CPR because Jerry and Newman didn`t want to touch the dudes mouth with theirs or the time the old guy was having a stroke and they tried to give him a cookie) which was sort of funny, but I also think she was serious. She couldn`t have helped for shit anyways. I was going to jump in and be the hero but the lifeguards did a fantastic job and were there right away. The waves here can get to be good size and at times have a powerful undertow. Christian actually a few days before got swept out and a surfer had to bring him back in. And then later on we saw a guy catch a puffer fish, kind of cool, not really.

Anyways, I like this chick as she paid for all the beer at the kiosk and then we go get dinner and she pays for most of that also. Nice. Go back to hostel and up to the bar and the place is packed all with international travelers. They are having a quiz game which I missed out on since I arrived too late. I grab a guarana and vodka (which is like 3/4`s vodka) and take a seat next to these two cats who look pretty cool but they turn out to be Americans. They are cool dudes but this place is packed with people from all over the world and I feel like I'm missing out on excellent opportunities to get to know other parts of this planet. They tell me though that I need to go to Florianapolis. Hah, every dude I have ever met who has been to Floripa tells me to go there as it is basically the Garden of Eden but with a 1000 Eves to every Adam. I get one more drink and then bolt as Mel is coming to scoop me in her Benz. That's right, she has a Mercedes Benz in Rio just for the few weeks out of the year for when she is here. Unbelievable. Well, so much for getting healthy week, that notion has temporarily been put aside for the time being. So Mel tells me we are going to a lesbian club. Huh, a what? That`s right a lesbian club. Mel is apparently bisexual, well allright, now we are talking. I guess you can have your cake and eat it too. The lesbian club she takes me to though is nothing more than a a front for a gay guy club that likes to call itself a lesbian club as there are nothing but gay dudes there and not a lesbian in sight. Maybe it`s because it is Monday night and dykes are afraid of Mondays sort of like Kramer is afraid of clowns and strays from the circus or how Vampires are afraid of sun and stray from daylight hours or how Billy Crystal is afraid of being a mega star and strays from good acting. But the good thing is Mel knows the owner and we don`t have to pay a cover, word. She rented this place out for her 22nd bday several months ago. She also knows the bartender so we really don`t even pay for drinks, word squared. I notice that we are the only straight couple in the entire joint and because of this and a few other obvious reasons we are what they say, the hit of the parade. The bartender tells Mel that all the gay dudes want to kill themselves. Hah, man, gay dudes absolutely love me. If I was gay I would be cleaning up like mop-n-glo. Dancing with Mel isn`t really dancing per se, it`s more like dry humping, which is fine for awhile. The good thing is I`m basically getting a lap dance for free. At one point some jagoff grabs my ass, and I didn`t really give a shit, but I told Mel about it more for the comedic aspect of it than anything and she goes absolutely off on him. Whoa, dude, it`s not that big of a deal. But like she says, if a guy grabbed her ass she would be pissed and let him have it and so a gay guy grabbing my ass is basically the same. I actually feel bad for the guy, but I guess that`s what he gets. I`m standing there in total amazement as she cusses this dude out but I`m also standing there laughing my ass off (on the inside) because this guy is at a total loss for words and has no idea what to do. It was fairly amusing. Mel is cool but definitely way too much into looks and I would imagine social status and all that other shit that I have been trying clear my life of. She isn`t your typical wealthy (wealthy because of her family) club chick that you obligatory see at evey club in the US, since she has a lot going for her, she works her ass off and she goes to school. But, when she is in a club you wouldn`t be able to her apart from any other typical rich club girl. I usually don`t relate well to girls like this for obvious reasons. I have to date girls that act somewhat like dudes, like sports, aren`t all into fashion and girly shit and are low maintenance. I think Mel is damn near the exact opposite of this. But whatever, it`ll be fun while it lasts.

BTW: I get wasted again. Shit.

Fin