Shawn goes to the zoo

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  Buenos Aires, Argentina
Wednesday, January 9, 2008

I check into the new hostel and it has the best air conditioner ever, this mother fucker goes from 38C to 18C faster than Britney Spears went from hot to a possible starring role in the movie Spun 2 (this movie doesn`t exist, I`m just saying, if you have never seen the movie Spun, check it, it`s really F`d up, just the way I like my cinema, and if nothing else you will then at least understand this vain attmept at humor).  I go to the zoo.  That`s right, the fucking zoo.  I have seen so much of Buenos Aires by now just from walking all over the place that I decide to do something different and a bit stupid.  The zoo isn`t overly impressive but they do have a panda, not the cool looking chess piece colored type panda but a much smaller and not nearly as interesting one.  Nothing too exciting happens here, although I do notice they have a cow on display which strikes me as odd.  Argentina has more cows then people (probably), so it really kills me that they actually have one in a zoo.  Argentina is like the steak capital of the universe.  Just pick a direction walk 20km and guaranteed you will find a cow.  Having a cow in a zoo in Argentina is a bit like having a homo in a bar in Finland (yes, I still hate Finland).  I actually don`t even really like zoos, a bit inhumane for me, but as I am writing this I remember I did spend $10 pesos to go see a Sea Lion show which was about as cool as watching a kid play in the sand or trying to watch porn through a scrambled channel (I think we did this in college a couple of times actually, damn I suck).  America puts on much better animal shows, believe dat.  I guess the one good thing about zoos is that it does allow kids to learn to appreciate animals more and hopefully when they get older they won`t turn into Michael Vicks.  Another odd thing about this zoo is that you can actually buy food to feed to the animals.  I don`t remember the last time a zoo allowed that not counting petting zoos.  I do remember however when I was really young Brookfield would let you feed the Grizzly Bears marshmallows and they would stand up on their hind legs and shit.  Wow, now that is a random and extremely old (maybe 25 years) memory.  The zoo made this huge deal out of some dragon exhibit that featured some iguanas and stuff but nowhere did I see a dragon or gold or a knight or a distressed, extremely hot, huge cannon having, torn dress wearing maiden, very disappointing.  Hah, family guy thought, when Peter tries to become a knight and the merry maiden walks by or whatever and all the neophyte knights get boners upon seeing her and you hear the "ting" against the armor as each knight gets a woodrow in succession until the chick walks by Mort and you don`t hear anything, and then he has to actually say "ting", wow, I am laughing my ass off right now thinking about this. 

You know every dude here looks like Rick Springfield back in his hey day.  Seriously.  They all have long hair and the same type haircut as Rick and they all think they are a lot cooler than they actually are.  Know what else, the subway and bus system here is phenomenal.  I wish Chicago`s subway/L ran as efficiently as Buenos Aires`.  It`s amazing, I have never waited more than 5 minutes for a train and they are extremely fast and reliable.  I walk around some more and check out some areas I have yet to see of this city.  Get back to hostel and meet 3 new roomates and go figure, they are all Isreali, shocker.  They tell me something very interesting though.  Apparently, any Jewish person in the world can visit Isreal for 10 days, all expenses paid.  It`s called Birth Right or some shit.  This a huge non for profit organization that pays for the trip.  But here`s the kicker - all the girls must be escorted by someone from the military.  Most of these girls are younger, usually just out of highschool or in college when they cash in their "Birth Right" certificate for a free vacation.  Well, there is a waiting list for individuals in the military to be a personal escort because all they try, and succesfully most of the time, to do is fuck whichever girl they are assigned to chaperone.  Seriously.  I have heard this multiple times.  The girls are usually so enthralled to be in the company of a Jewish boy who actually lives in Isreal and speaks Hebrew and not to mention that uniform not hurting anything, that they usually are none to shy about boning.  This kills me.  These dudes could care less about showing some random girl their country that they are so proud of, they just want to get laid.  I mean, I don`t blame em, just cracks me up that all these parents and stuff are probably so happy that their girl will get to experience such a culturally rich and significant trip and little do they know that there is a 70% chance that their lil girl will hump whichever military man is assigned to "show them around town".   

Try to go to the casino later, but it is closed.  Sucks, I was going to try to play poker so I could have some supplemental income.  Great, now I have to travel all the way back and I have no means of gaining any extra cash here.  I get some pizza and I eat it on some steps leading to some random building and damn it, why do I always look homeless here.  Every fucking day.  The Isrealis plan on going out but they didn`t adjust for the time change (forget where they came from) and they think it`s 12 but it`s actually 2 and they decide to skip going out for the night.  I don`t go out either as my eye is still jacked and my body is a bit wore down especially since I walked around in 100F degree weather all flippin day.  These Isreali dudes are pretty cool though.  On the plane over here, the one guy was sitting next to this chick and he tried to get her to go to the toilet with him, hah, that is how he phrased it too, toilet, but she turned him down and instead of sleeping he said he stayed awake for 8 hours hitting on this chick to no avail.  Yeah, getting chicks you just meet on the plane to go to the "toilet" with you isn`t just an everyday occurence bro.  But, hey, good try, I give it up to you.

Fin

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