Me + Buses = Stupidity (part II)

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  Foz Do Iguacu, Brazil
Monday, December 31, 2007

Arrive in Foz do Iguacu at, I don`t know, some time during the day.  There are two hostels in Foz, one in the city center and one out in the boonies and I choose the one out in the boonies, not sure why, but it is definitely the wrong one because it is filled with lamos (dorks).  The good thing is it is located much closer to the Iguacu Falls which is the only reason I am here anyways.  Who really cares about New Years.  Everyday can be New Years in Brazil if you want it to be.  I need to get up early the next morning in order to spend the entire day at the falls so I can`t do much anyways.   I meet my roomate (Marcos) who is probably the largest tool I have ever met.  I mean super nice chap but seriously dude, you need to bone up on your coolness skilz.  Within 5 minutes upon meeting him he shows me these two kid piggy banks.  One of the banks is of a pig (original) and the other I think is of Goofy or sumin gay.  When he shows them to me is all happy and smiling and I assume he must have kids, so I ask him if he has kids (this guy is like 37 probably and Brazilian) and he looks at me really funny like I just asked him if he had two fathers.  He tells me no, he doesn`t have kids, and he basically looks at me in bewilderment wondering why I would ask this question.  Hmmm, maybe because you are showing me two plastic piggy banks jerkoff.  So anyways, no he doesn`t have kids and the story he tells me is astounding.  He met a guy who told him a tale of how he saved enough change over a 10 year period to buy a car and now he thinks he will do the same.  Oh really, well you may want to save your change in huge jars or old coffee cans or something that has substantial volume and that are inexpensive.  If you plan to save enough coins to buy a car in those piggy banks you are going to need about 1,000 smarty pants which will cost you about as much as the car itself.  I don`t tell him this though, I just tell him the piggy banks are cool and then turn my head and roll my eyes.  Remember that time H when we played golf with that 45 year old jag who was as happy as a 12 year old kid looking at a nudy magazine because he had a greenbay packers golfball?  Ok, well, this guy was the Brazilian version of that asswipe.

There is a New Year`s Eve party at the hostel so I decide to just attend this.  Getting into town will be way too complicated and I need to crash somewhat early.  The party is super gay but I must admit the all you could eat buffet was righteous.  I sit down at a table and tell the waiter I want a big beer and then Marcos sits down with me and starts talking bout who knows what.  Not only does he struggle at life but he`s a fucking low talker to boot.  I can`t hear a word he says and I just shake my head and say "legal" alot.  Who fucking knows, I may have just agreed to wear a pirate shirt.  I guess Marcos is better than hanging nobody though.  You have to understand the makeup of people attending this party, it`s all family`s or couples or the biggest losers you can imagine.  Eventually some Jap Brazilian joins us at the table and her left arm doesn`t work for shit and she`s all gimpy and stuff.  Wow, who the fuck am I hanging out with, the two biggest tards in all of Brazil apparently.  The girl isn`t even cool.  She`s quite pompous actually and you would think with all her gimpiness she would be a little more humble, but no, she thinks she is cooler than I think I am.  I want to take the limb that`s just dangling and smack her in the face with it.  At least she speaks english, but other than that she is quite worthless.  Man, I feel like the coolest dude ever next to these two jack-n-the-boxes.  Hah, are you kidding, this is my New Years, yaaaaaayyyy.  But whatever, I`m here to see the falls, not party. 

This girl at one point wants to show me something, damn I forgot what exactly she wanted, but essentially we take a really slow stroll (since her one leg doesn`t work too fucking great either) and she almost bites it.  She literally almost fell on her ass and I literally almost laughed, but I held it in and asked if she was OK and was all gentlemanly like.  I actually have to let her hold my arm so she can walk without tripping over her log of a leg.  I am a great great person sometimes.  We get back to the table and Marcos tells us how he is a cashier (teller) at a bank but the thing is he is overly proud of it.  He is estatic and acts like being a teller is this great difficult job.  Oh really, a teller in a bank huh Marcos, listen buttwipe, I could have done that job when I was 9 while playing Nintendo.  The gimped up chick could do your job with one arm (literally).  I have to laugh, and laugh I do.  This is so funny.  God I wish I would have gotten a picture taken with us 3.  You know that song from Sesame Street.... Three of these kids belong together, Three of these kids are kind of the same, But one of these kids is doing his own thing, now it`s time to play our game.....(substitue 2 for 3) and then you had to pick which kid was different, well this would have been the perfect theme song for us 3.  These have to be the two shittiest fuckers in all of Brazil.  I try to go to bed at 12:30 but Marcos comes in the room and finds me and asks if I`m going back to the party, and he asks in such a way that I know he really wants me there.  He needs friends and he is a really nice guy and if I`m not there I don`t really know what he`s going to do so I tell him I am indeed going back, I just need a few minutes to get something.  I go back to the party and hang wit Marcos and eventually we meet this couple from Curitiba.  The guy is a boxer and they both speak perfect English and get this, they are awesome, especially the guy.  I joke around with the boxing dude and drink some beers and the best part is I can crack disturbing jokes in front of him and he laughs.  Allright, now we are having some good times.  Hang out with the boxer and his wife and of course Marcos till 3:30 which is longer than I wanted to stay up.  Man, what a strange New Years.  It turned out pretty good but for the first couple of hours all I seriously did was make fun of two people inside my head (which is pretty entertaining actually, and if you know me, you know I don`t requre much in order to entertain myself). 

While on the subject, New Years a few years ago supplied me with one of the best Merker comments ever (most of you know it).  One year Me, B and Burns went to this awful party where everyone tried to act exaggeratingly sophisticated and stuck up and they were drinking out of crystal glasses and nobody was having fun and everyone was trying to be overly proper and well you get the drift right.  So the hostess was in the kitchen carving a turkey and us 3 head in there to get some drinks.  Now the best part is Burns is trying to date this chick (keep that in mind).  We brought over a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and I pour everyone a glass over ice and B says to me "do you have any 7up or anything".  Me - "For what?".  B - "To mix it with".  Me - "It`s Grey Goose you don`t need a mixer pussy".  The girl "Oh, how dare you say that word in front of me".  I go "Oh, my bad B, I meant to call you a cunt".  Word. 

Fin

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