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  Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Saturday, December 15, 2007

Wake up absolutely smashed at like 10am.  I notice the sun is out and I go running outside screaming "Eu amo sol" (I love sun) which I`m sure isn`t quite correct, but close enough, ànd everyone walking down the block looks at the crazy gringo running around screaming.  Christian, Gustavo, some chick from the hostel and I go to the beach.  Christian and Gustavo have to rent mulitple umbrellas because no part of them can be exposed to the sun whatsoever.  We see the chicks in their usual spot (Jussara, Kenia and of course Picasso).  I tell Christian and Gustavo about her and that her nickname is Picasso and they love it.  Christian actually tells me though that he thinks she has the best ass-legs combo of any chick on the beach, and remember this is posto 9 in Ipanema which supposedly has some of the hottest chicks in the world.  Man, what a waste.  But honestly, I don`t see any drop dead gorgeous girls.  I see tons and tons of 7 and 8`s though.  I go hang out with the girls for a bit.  Picasso tells me that she is going to Sao Paulo later this evening to meet some fuck buddy of hers so she can get laid.  I think she thinks I am actually gay now.  But no, I`m straighter than your eyes are.  I give her credit though, when she lays on her stomach she looks amazing.  I bet 99% of the dudes that do this chick do her doggy style, they`d have to. 

Livia sends me a text message later in English that says "Can you meet me later" (she is obviously with a friend).  So I head to this bar and start drinking around 11pm and by the time she shows up I`m on beer number 6.  Good start to the night.  I meet these English birds and they get sort of salty when I don`t give the street performers money.  Listen up hoodrats, I will have no income at all for the next 7 months at the very least, the last thing I need to do is give capoiera street performers money every time I see them which is like twice a day.  Idiots, gosh.  Livia finally shows up and we talk (I use the word talk quite loosely, meaning it`s more of a conversation with gestures and hand movements than with words, damn, my portuguese should be better by now, once again, I can speak it fine, fine enough for her to understand, but I just don`t understand it well enough) for about an hour or so and then she has to go for some unknown reason.  Apparently she has to get a wisdom tooth pulled tomorrow or something.  None of this makes any sense and I get confused once again.  Why did she want to meet me and then only hang for an hour?  I figured we would party all night long, all night, all night long.  All night turned out to be about the time is takes for Tartabull to steal somebody`s house (for those of you who don`t know, Danny Tartabull is probably the greatest baseball player to ever play the game - although underappreciated for his many talents, he was one of the most prolific players in the history of the sport - but who now, because of bad investments and the squandering of millions of dollars I am assuming, has become nothing more than an above average squatter.  Basically he says he is going to buy a house, he locks himself in, bars up the entry ways and doesn`t make a payment).  So anways, my plan for a great evening with a non-english speaking brazilian with above average cannons has suddenly and unexpectedly been breached and I must switch to plan nonexistent.  Hmmm, what to do now.  I suppose I`m near some clubs, maybe I should go clubbing.  Sure why not.  It`s only 2:30 and this is definitely not too late to hit up a club.  Rolling through clubs solo is starting to become my specialty.  I go to Baronitz or something like that and it`s filled with mostly college kids who are the offspring of the upper elite in Rio.  This place is extremely packed and pretentious.  I get a little annoyed getting bumped into every 4 seconds, but I`m in Rio and I`m drunk and who cares.  I notice some short big titty bitch staring at me so I strike up some sort of conversation with her.  She speaks English as do most people in this place but within the first 5 minutes I realize she kind of sucks and is overly pompous and stuck up.  But like I said, she has perfect jacks so I give her the benefit of the doubt at least for now.  Her friend`s boyfriend is cool though and I hang with him for a bit.  He lived in Arkansas as an exchange student.  Hah, fucking Arkansas.  I can`t imagine a more absurd place for a well to do Brazilian college kid to be.  It`s idiotic.  It would be like Calista Flockhart going to an all you can eat buffet, it make no sense.  He tells me the girl I`m talking to likes me and that she got her tits done just 3 weeks ago.  Sweet, that means they don`t have a lot of road miles yet.  They all hit up the VIP area, I can`t get in obviously so I just drink and dance and drink some more.  I end up talking to this one dude for over an hour who speaks better English than I do.  Why am I talking to a guy in a club at 4am, beats me, I used to question most of the things I do and most of the time the answer was nonsensical so I just stopped asking alltogether and I now accept my actions as blindly as Helen Keller accepted hers. 

The chicks and the one dude who lived in Arkansas reappear out of the mist and I realize that I can`t really stand this chick.  No matter how new and scrumptious her cannons are, she blows more than Katrina blew black dudes (the hurrican beans, not your girl, thought I should clarify this before you slash one of my paintings) (btw:  this is a variation of one of my many Yo Mamma jokes, Yo momma is such a slut she`s just like Hurricane Katrina, blowing black dudes all over the place).  Sucky McSuck gives me her phone number and I put it in my phone as an act of courtesy knowing full well I won`t be calling her.  Her friend`s boyfriend invites me to Nuth (awesome and very expensive club) tomorrow night and he even offers me a lift.  I tell him cool and that I`ll call fake tits tomorrow, which is a lie.  But still, super cool of him.  Why can`t his girlfriend have cooler friends.  I go back around 6:30am.  I tell myself that`s it for now, no more drinking, no more partying, no more clubbing at least until Thursday or Friday.  I just had 3 long drunk nights.  Well, at least this is what I told myself.

Fin

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