Picasso painting come to life
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Oct 19, 2007
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Rio de Janeiro,
Brazil
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Go to Ipanema beach. I see the two girls from yesterday and they invite me over. Btw, Cariocas (natives of Rio), when they go to the beach they more or less go to the same exact spot on the beach everytime. Some of these people have gone to the same spot for 20 or 30 years. Why don't they switch up places once in awhile is beyond my comprehension. Easy to find the girl from the day before I suppose. Or even better, easy to avoid the girl from the day before. Posto 9 on Ipanema is said to have the hottest people on the planet chilling there. This of course is where I went. Tough to say as it's only been on weekdays that I have gone.
My girl for the night
I will have a much better opportunity to judge this rumor come the weekend. This one girl there who is friends with the girls I met the day before has the most smoking body I have ever seen in my life. Absolutely flawless. Well, I guess her cannons could be bigger, but from the stomach down, topnotch, she must workout. She wears one of those ubiquitous brazilian bikinis and when I meet her she is laying on her stomach and all I do is stare at her ass which is for all practical purposes bare. She is also wearing those huge sunglasses that chicks like to wear for whatever reason so I can't really tell what her face looks like, I guess it doesn't matter, or does it (some more gratuitous foreshadowing). This reminds me of that time I went up to some chick at castaways and asked her if she wore huge glasses because she wanted to hide her face because it was ugly. She goes, I have a very nice looking face actually. I tell her to let me see. So she pulls up her sunglasses so I can see her face, and I tell her point blank "Ehh, it looks allright". Awesome. The other girls are talking to me and I don't even pay attention for the first 10 minutes, probably why they stop talking to me after a bit. So apparently, I didn't go to Shenannigans too late last night, I went there too early, go figure, only in South America. Hang out for like 2 hours with these chicks (4 of em in total, the other one is named Jussara who also has a nice body, but she is way too built and her muscles are about as big as mine, her face also looks like a horses and I figure she sits around all day eating hay). Oh snap, Hempen, remember Horse Face and Dog Breath? Totally forgot. The clouds start to roll in and Jussara suggests we get beers. Well, of course. Here we go again. I feel like I drink more than John Daley and Lindsay Lohan combined. As we are walking Luiza (the chick with the smoking body) hands me a piece of paper, it states "Here is my phone number, you can call me Ok, my name is Luiza". Hah, word that shit up mother fucker. Hell yes I will call you. We actually slow our pace so we can walk behind the other girls (Luiza gave the paper to me surreptitiously, so I guess she doesnīt want the others to know) and in a sotto voce tone we agree to meet at Shennanigans at 10pm. So as we are hanging outside at the bar I notice Luiza one doesnīt drink a beer and two she doesnīt take off her sunglasses. Now, lots of people donīt take off their sunglasses even if the sun isnīt out, but for some reason it registers in my brain and I start to wonder. I think how I am supposed to meet a chick without any idea what her face really looks like. Oh well, Iīll chance it. As long as it hasnīt previously been burned by a flame thrower, it should be OK and her body will definitely make up for a less than beautiful face. I end up drinking 6 chopps (draft beer) and I donīt even have enough to pay for it. Jussara picks up my tab. I was going to leave after 4 as that was all I could afford but Jussara practically made me stay. Luiza leaves, probably to go home and get ready for the big date that takes place in 4 hours and another friend shows up and has some beers with us. I invite this German dude sitting at the table by us to join us if he would like as he is sitting by himself but heīs on his last beer. Jussara states how it must be cool for me to be hanging out with 3 local brazilian girls and how the German guy is probably thinking, man, how did this American end up chilling with these three chicks. I guess, hadnīt really thought about it. But yeah, I guess it is cool, better than hanging by myself I suppose. The German guy tells me how he got his camera stolen at knife point in Central on Sunday morning. Well no shit dumbass, everyone knows not to hang out in Central on weekends. Nobody is there. Central is like the loop, itīs where people work and hang out after work, but on weekends it is dead. What an idiot.
Rio is a huge city, something around 12 million people. But within certain areas it is quite small. Ipanema, it just occured to me is one such area. Jussara freakin knows a quarter of the people that walk by. I think what happens is these people grow up in a certain neighborhood and they never leave that neighborhood and they end up knowing everyone. Ipanema is very wealthy also so itīs not like you have a lot of random people move into the neighborhood. Jussara then sees some French dude across the street she boned the night before. Iīm thinking Jussara may be a ####. As she put it, sheīs just a strong black woman, with a strong personality and that itīs hypocritical for men to be able to sleep with woman and have no strings attached and not vis versa and that she will sleep with whoever she wants when she wants and have no negative feelings towards the incident even if she never sees that person again, which according to her, she usually doesnīt. Preach on girl. Some capoiera dudes do some sweet moves out in the street and one does a front flip over some guy holding up a board of knives. Pretty sweet. But of course they want money and of course I donīt want to pay so I tell them that I didnīt see the trick, if you donīt see it, it didnīt exist. They ask if I want to see and I tell them "Nao, Eu nao quero pagar (sp?), meaning, no, I donīt want to pay. Jussara does not like this comment and tells me itīs rude. Whatever. I think itīs rude to do a performance I didnīt ask for and then ask me for money.
Jussara invites me to dinner at her crib, I actually didnīt know she invited me as it got lost in translation. She has to call me and ask me if Iīm coming, coming to what, to dinner, oh, yeah, ok, Iīll be there. Get to Jussaraīs apt and she has an awesome view of Rio. She lives on the 14th floor and has a huge open window that once again someone like Beans could easily fall out of. You would never ever see this type of window in America. You can see the north part of Ipanema and then if you look the other direction you can see a favela about 500 meters away. Canīt get much more discrepancy than that. The poorest of the poor and the richest of the rich living that close to each other. This is why Rio has so many problems.
Jussara made us (Kenia and I) a fantastic dinner. It was the typical Brazilian dish, ate by probably 100 million brazilians a day, but it was still good to get a homemade meal of chicken, rice and salad. I actually drink coke since thatīs what she was serving. Once again, Brazilians turn out to be the nicest humans in the world. Jussara wonīt even let me wash my dishes since I am a guest in her house. Hell, she wouldnīt even let me carry them into the kitchen. Jussara doesnīt really keep food in the fridge, she goes shopping every day for that days food. This way it is always fresh. Makes sense, but it seems like a waste of time to me and seems very odd. I donīt know anyone who does this. I tell the girls I have to go meet my roomates (I have no idea if I should tell them I am going to meet Luiza or not). BTW, I am totally not interested in any of these girls, they are just cool and nice (with the exception of Luiza, but even with her, I wouldnīt say Iīm interested in her, just her body).
I email Luiza and tell her Iīll be there at 10:30 and of course she shows up at 11:00. While there I talk to some flight attendants who have an over night stay in Rio. Dude, I never realized how sweet of a gig it is to be an international flight attendant. Seriously. They get to see the world while getting paid for it. Sometimes theyīll have 2 days in a city before they have to fly out again and obviously they donīt pay for crap. Well, maybe drinks. Still, what a deal. I never knew. I tell the one guy that Iīm meeting a chick there and that I have no idea what her face looks like. See, I knew something was up. So in walks Luiza with her friend and FUCK ME IN THE ASS, yep her face is FUCKED. Well, her face is fine, but her eyes are a total fucking mess. Itīs like sheīs cross-eyed, but no wait, itīs worse than that. Itīs like one fucking eyeball is a bit lower than the other. Fuck me, I canīt believe this shit, how the hell can your eyes not even be level. I start sweating, seriously, and I wonder if people are making fun of me because Iīm hanging out with googly eyes. The flight attendant dude tells me as Luiza and her friend go to the bathroom that her face looks allright to him. What, are you an idiot. Did you not see her fucking eyeballs. Then I think to myself, maybe I am being overly critical. I have a bad habit of taking someoneīs flaw or flaws and throwing them out of proportion in my mind. But upon her return, nope, her one eye is definitely fucked. I mean, she looks fucking half retarded, I feel like I should be in Big Brothers Big Sisters and this is one of the jackasses I have to be a Big Brother too. Man, how do I get out of this now. I think to myself, good one God, or if not God the powers that be. You got me again asshole. I think to myself she looks like a fucking Picasso Painting (see píc, this isnīt the exact painting I was thinking of, but it will do just fine as an approximate representation of the freak I was dealing with). She wants me to sit on her lap, what, get the fuck outta here, I donīt even want to look at you. I actually scoot my stool closer to her friend just so people wonīt think Iīm with Luiza but she keeps grabbing my hand and touching me and crap. Shit, shit shit shit, think Merker, think. How do you get out of this without being a complete asswipe. The thing is sheīs not even that nice I donīt think. She gets all salty when I tell her Jussara made me dinner. Ok, fuck it, I tell her that Iīm supposed to meet Jussara and Kenia later and I need to go. Somehow this gets lost in translation (she speaks some english, but probably worse than my portuguese) and the next thing I know we are in a cab going to some club. How the fuck did this happen. Oh great, more people who get to see me with the walking deformity of eyeball misplacement. Maybe if she just looks down the entire time, people wonīt notice, I hope the floor has a really interesting design. The only alleviating thought in my mind is the fact that the club may be dark and nobody will be able to see the face of Mrs. Assymetry herself. We get to the club which is called House, which coincidentally enough is the exact same club I went to the first time I was in Rio 2 months ago. Man, this place ainīt dark. FUCK!!!!!!!!!! Well, the upstairs is and I suggest we go up there as soon as we enter. But first she wants to have a drink downstairs so I order the strongest Caiprinha possible because I either need to leave, kill this bitch or get as hammered as possible. Earlier she cracked the knuckles on my hand joking around, but I pretended it hurt so now when she tries to hold my hand (which is like every fucking 7 seconds) I tell her no because I think she is going to hurt me again. Whew, at least I wonīt be holding her hand, maybe people will just think we are friends, either that or that I am blind or my standards are about as high as a Chinese manufacturing factory making gifts to be sold in every Chinatown across America. At one point I even try to tell her Iīm gay, seriously. It doesnīt work though. She totally wants to fuck me too because she keeps scratching my hand and in the cab she told me that if a girl does that it means she wants to fuck. Great. Finally we go upstairs where the light will be much kinder. Maybe if she faces a wall the entire time things will be ok, since her ass is to die for. Holy crap, this completely supports my theory I had in Buzios, chicks here are definitely better looking from behind. So I am sort of dancing with Cock-eyed Joe but I keep my distance even though she keeps grabbing me. She turns around and grabs my hand and pulls me next to her and she totally grinds one of the nicest asses in the world on my crotch. No wonder this chick works out all the time, if I looked like that I would spend my life in the gym, either than or under a grocery sack. Her ass is so money, and from this vantage point I canīt see her face so I actually start to contemplate things. Maybe, just maybe, no, dumbass, no way, even if you have 20 caiprinhas, youīll laugh your ass off if she tries to kiss you. Seriously I would, I would just start dying right then and there and then Iīd probably run away Monte Python style (run away, run away). But damn it, her body is sooooooo money and sheīs only 20 and she is basically giving me a lap dance and...... Ok, I have to get out of here. Oh, and I forgot to mention this earlier. At the beach she drew a picture with a pen of the Two Brotherīs Mountain. It was the worst fucking drawing ever. I mean a retarded 2nd grader could have drawn this. She showed me the drawing and was all smiling and stuff, and I thought she was just being funny, but now Iīm thinking she may have been serious and maybe she is that retarded 2nd grader just grown up with a much better body. I run into my two roomates there (these 2 english blokes) who I met earlier and they tell me just to fuck her, who cares. Who cares, dude her face looks like somebody put together a jigsaw puzzle together incorrectly. I dance as awfully as I possibly can (which isnīt that hard) and I keep pulling away from her hoping she gets the hint. She doesnīt, obviously. I mean I couldnīt even convince her I was gay. Finally, finally in a moment of complete bliss she asks me if I want to go and I tell her I have to as I have been drinking all day and that I am drunk and I am tired and I have to go to sleep. I shake her hand while looking off in the distance and I run down the stairs and out into the street Charles in Charge style (didnīt he always run down the stairs) and walk back to normal land as quickly as possible. Go to bed and pray that I donīt have nightmares of really hot bodied downsyndrome chicks. What a night. Only in the life of Merker. Lesson learned, always look at a chickīs face before agreeing to a date.
BTW . I really am not an asshole, I act like one in these blogs to make situations funnier. I in fact would one day love to be a Big Brother to someone less fortunate than I, and I have even had this discussion with my Mom before (I think it was her anyways) especially if I never have kids.
Fin
Comments
You were definitely on the prowl...
Do you still talk to any of these girls?
ahhhhh
A++ merk