Travel via London Heathrow, Torture English Style
Trip Start
Dec 17, 2007
1
2
26
Trip End
Jan 19, 2008
London,
United Kingdom
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Well let me recount the experience of trasiting the UK's largest hell on Earth ... Don't worry it has a happy ending thanks to Tara ... and old friend of mine from Aer Lingus days ...
All through the day it felt as if some invisible force was trying hold be away from ever setting foot on the continent of Africa ... placing barriers at every step of the way as if I was already enduring some epic journey of Hollywood proportions (and they better get Brad Pitt to do a better Irish accent this time, he'll also need to lose a few pounds if he wants to play me!!) ... but I now know it was just a phenomenon shared by thousands of forlorn human beings every day ... it is known in adventurer circles as "LHR" or the LHR Effect ... and it is a rite of passage amongst travellers ...
It started when my dad and I departed on the very first leg of the journey ... the treacherous pass the leads around Dublin known only by a deadly number, but one which invokes fear in the hearts of the bravest ... The M50!!!! Bearing in mind we were transiting its venomous paths at the middle of the morning ... generally believed to be the safest time during daylight hours ... It seemed that every approach to the airport was blocked with sad faced people in all forms of transport as they braved Dublin's dark spot for the 10,000th time ... What would normally be a 20 minute journey turned into a 1 hour saga of trucks, cars, buses and the tumultuous roar of frustrated horns ... not least from our car ... in a way this makes me happy ... I will not be enduring this for some time ... with any luck ... though Africa has its own unique traffic problems ... but this was a portent of something more sinister to comke ...
Next I was lulled into thinking the worst was behind me as I checked in (with a wink from a very pretty check in hand maiden as she looked at the 25KG scale on my 23KG baggage allowance... nice one!!) ... and made my way to my departure gate to sit an patiently wait for kick off ...
Then it began ... first there was a gate change (the first of many this day) ... then we were late boarding the flight ... only to be told by the captain that due to traffic congestion at LHR on this beautifully calm (if a little chilly) day ... there we sat for another hour until eventually the evil control demons at LHR gave us clearance to taxy out and take off ... but this was just another part of their cunning plan ... as soon as we got in the air its evil deviousness became apparrent ... not content with leaving us sitting around on the ground waiting, they now proceeded to add extra pollution to the world by placing us in a holding pattern over London ... yes they truely do hate everyone and everything on the planet!! ... Add 30 minutes to my journey and a reduce the time to the next ice age by 10!!
Once the traffic demons of LHR have finished working their evil on you they hand you over to the ground demons ... including the Architects of destruction and the Security Satan Gang ... It starts with the knowledge that your gate in T1 is actually only 100KM from the bus that takes you on the 1000KM trip to T4 and you are going to be forced to walk every KM, in boiling heat negotiating several Satanic Secutirty Rites along the way ... as your bags are scanned and your documents checked about 200 times ... and your 0.5L water bottle is confiscated adding to your dehydration ... presumably in an effort to make sure you don't attempt to hi-jack an aircraft by drowning the crew...
Along the way you are forced to take solace in overpriced and undercooked toxic waste they serve in the [ahem] "restuarants" of LHR ... it is astounding how they can manage to burn an item out of all recognition and still leave parts of it raw ... it defies physics!! ... and all this takes just 45 minutes ...
Finally I make my way amid the uneasy calm of T4 to gate 1c .. and sit to wait patiently for my flight ... a young couple from Meath sit next to me on the start of a 1 year around the world adventure ... but ominously their flight to New York has been delayed 5 hours and coutning at this stage ... then it begins ... the Monstors of Aircraft Maintenance are looking for their sacrificial offering too ... our 767 is sick and they have no idea when it will be well again ... we are joined by an older couple from Zimbabwe now living in Zambia (thanks to Mr Mugabe) ... the really get me fired for my trip ... as I tell them the itinerary of my African adventure they regail me with stories of their experiences ... adding to my already (and I should point out not at all dented by the LHR effect) high sense of childish excitement ... lovely people too ... I'm sad to see people forced to leave their homeland like that ... but their wonderful conversation and smiling faces makes the 5 hour delay pass without too much pain and foils the plans of the LHR demons ... there is no substitute to human spirit even during relatively minor adversity ...
Eventually we are all asked to pick up a STG5 voucher for some "refreshments" as they change the aircraft and the gate ... as I pick it up I am told off (in a nice way ... not all the LHR demons are evil) by the lady at the BA desk that I should have checked in with them on arrival ... and she says there is a mystereous message in the system for me to contact the "CSD" (its a BA term ... presumably the D also stands for demons) of my flight when boarding for a special message ... this is where it starts to get good ... the crew for my flight has assembled near the gate ... I approach and ask for the CSD exepcting to be told some horrible fate awaits me ... only to find I am being upgraded byt the CSD Julian ... thanks to the efforts of my friend Tara ... there now, that's your happy ending ...
We take off ... in the lap of luxury, supping up champagne ... after not one but TWO aircraft changes ... rescued from the LHR demons by the Good Angels of BA Cabin Crew ... it is not the first time I've been rescued by one too!!! ;-)
Comments
Leave it to the girls!
It was great to hear Tara was on hand to kick start your trip from the UK with style. SAFE JOURNEY
Joan and Larry
CHANCERS