Hollywood Studios - Darth Children
Trip Start Sep 12, 2009
14Trip End Sep 19, 2009
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Isabella and I woke up early for the Imperial morning routine (coffee, mug, animals etc.). While we were out we happened upon an Imperial employee who must have heard about our brave exploits and helped us learn more about antelopes.
Up until now Isabella called the beasts "cantaloupes" and my explanations that the main difference between "cantaloupes" and "antelopes" is that cantaloupes are served ripe, while antelopes are good medium rare... were not received well.
The Imperial employee chuckled...in agreement I'd like to think...or maybe she was just being polite...who knows...but my little Isabella's reaction broke my heart
Her stunned look shocked me...for I thought that the poisonous Politically Correct movement which is sweeping the Empire has gotten a hold of my precious and destroyed her fertile mind before I could intervene...then I remembered she's only four (AND A HALF!!!) and most likely doesn't get her father's dark, sarcastic...yet often delicious...sense of humor.
Isabella found it fascinating to learn about antelopes while watching them and so did I. Actually we learned something about animals, while watching them, everyday...take that institutionalized system which vilifies parents for taking children out of school to save a few bucks on a family vacation...so we can afford to pay taxes...to keep the schools going...but that's a different Empire altogether.
By the time we got back to the room, Jakey was up as well and asking to go see the animals as well. As a prize for his bravery yesterday, I took him and Isabella for another round…or was it to give Cheri a bit of a break…I'm not sure.
We finally got enough courage to get on the bus to Disney's Hollywood Studios, to get in the right mind set, Jakey threw a tantrum right there on the bus…what a warrior the little guy is!
After we successfully passed through the Imperial uniformed guard search and shook in our boots during the fingerprint security screening we were bombarded with the first Imperial attack
One might call it a High School Musical (3?) floating tank.
We were dumbfounded...just our luck...Apocalypse...Now?
The motorized tank…disguised as a high school float…even had High School Musical (3?) cheerleaders on it...the Empire does everything in style, that's for sure.
I'm can only imagine that Col. Kurtz & Captain Willard would only dream of cheerleaders in the jungles of VietNam.
The first thing we did in Hollywood Studios is to get a FastPass for Toy Story Mania…because you never know…the Empire might have a benevolent moment before sentencing us to eternal servitude.
Our next mission was to find Commander Lightyear and the illusive Sinister Sherriff, but before we could begin our search we had to duck and cover due to the Commander's Green Army Men minions who were scattered around the park
We walked into a trap.
A chamber of horrors filled with oversize toy boxes, explosives and other torture devices. As we were brought to a standstill with revulsion, our kids didn't miss a beat, and Isabella…with the "chutzpa" that only a four (AND A HALF!!!) year-old could master…brazenly walked through all the traps with her Princess Minnie ears on while Jakey…still confident from his earlier achievements… audaciously strapped himself to the explosive rocket, an homage to the Valiant Sir Sid who tried to save the universe by sending the Imperial tormentor into oblivion.
As we continued through the maze, outsmarting each trap, we saw that the Imperial Commander and Sinister Sheriff has set us a trap reminiscent of Bruce Lee’s "Game of Death" where the hero has to go through several levels of opponents in a pagoda only to face a 7 foot giant at the top (played by basketball great and Imperial rebel Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).
At the end of the trap, top of the pagoda if you will, waited not one – but two 7 foot giants:
Buzz Lightyear - Commander of the Imperial Clone Army and battery hog
Sherriff Woody – Enemy to collectors and pizza parlors everywhere
… behind them a carnage scene of child’s bed being attacked by a monstrous dinosaur and killer pig
As we stood there contemplating our first move Isabella simply went up to the two Philistines…who were caught off guard by her brazen disregard for safety as well as charmed by her Princess Minnie ears…handed them her autograph books and occupied them while Jakey was sneaking around the perimeter in order to execute a flanking maneuver…reminiscent of the successful example illustrated by the fearsome warrior Shan-Yu in his attempt to unify China, only to be defeated by his only weakness...a soft heart...when he took pity upon a foolishly insane girl who kept talking to an imaginary dragon and pretending she's a boy.
I will spare you the gruesome details of this ghastly battle – let’s just say that Isabella and Jackey were victorious.
As we exited the bed-of-battle, Jakey, in one last show of unbelievable bravery, turned around and spoken words, which were so often the last ones heard by many victims: "To Infinity...and Beyond!!!"
Needing to rest from the hard battle we entered The Magic of Disney Animation (Daddy's favorite) where magnificent original and not-so-original art from some famous movies (mainly Snow White) were on display. After appreciating the art, destroying the Empire’s propaganda by recording our voices over the cartoons and other such fine pastimes we noticed the Mouse Overlord has came down to the people, in his wizard’s garb, so they can pay homage to his majesty…or get his autograph…I’m not sure
We slowly backed away...because we are a peacefull family...or we were just tired from another fight...or didn't want to stand in a long line...again, I'm not sure.
On our way out, we encountered the "I"’s – two supreme beings who disguise themselves as a suburban family to destroy as many families as they can while wrecking havoc on the insurance industry.
As Jacob was buzzed (pun intended) from his battle – young brave Isabella decided to take on the challenge herself. She used a tactic familiar to many of the fairer sex – while batting her beautiful blue eyes, throwing back a lock of blond hair, and smiling with lips red as rose she won the battle with kindness and smiles. A tactic which took Mr. & Mrs. Incredible by surprise and melted that frozen heart of theirs – to Sameul L. Jackson’s dismay.
We left the Animation Tour hurriedly – not before stopping to admire a bunch of honors the Empire has received when the rich and famous get together to give awards to..
Once outside we breathed a sigh of relief, but we walked around the corner we saw a group of Imperial slaves standing in line – shivering in fear.
Yes, the most horrible creature of the Fearsome Five has come to do battle – the Imperial Janitor known to young and old alike as "Handy Manny".
Being that Isabella was exhausted from her awesome battle with the "I"s…or refused to get out of the stroller…I’m not sure which… Jakey bravely decided to take this formidable opponent all by himself.
As we got to front of the line, Jakey – again – used the sneaky "autograph tactic” while regaling the Imperial janitor with his encyclopedic knowledge of the TV show "Home Improvement" – a show favored by Handy Manny due to the remarkable likeness of Tim the Toolman to Buzz Lightyear. Before Jakey delivered the final blow, he told Handy Manny how, when helping Daddy, the job takes 4, sometimes even 5, times longer due to his help.
The Janitor was so impressed he let down his guard... which is when Jakey replaced the Janitor's power drill with one of his own – a cursed toy carrying the image of Handy Manny himself which seem to endlessly break until repaired – only to break again
We have defeated the Fearsome Five – and all before lunch.
To celebrate we went to see Muppet*Vision 3-D but we stopped to appreciate the Star Wars area of the park – where the Imperial Rebel Forces bestowed upon our beloved children the honorary title of “Do Allow Retribution To Him/Her-self” or DARTH – a title, which normally takes years of practice to achieve.
From now on they will be known as Darth Bellissima and Darth Jacamo.
What an honor – we were speechless.
We had an honorary seat at the Muppet*Vision 3-D theater, a movie which shows, once again, the adventures of a selfless, talented and gullible female pig in search of honorable employment, while being outmaneuvered at every turn by a sly, slick and depraved show-biz frog and his minions.
As we walked out of the theater we happened upon the Imperial transport known as "Lightning McQueen" and another transport vehicle called "Mater". Darth Jacamo, who had enough of flirting with princesses, hurried over...
Patience Young Jacamo....
In a public, and might I add humiliating, display of raw emotions and victorious glee Darth Jacamo turned his Commander Buzzyear hat backwards and took off his shirt to pose victorious over Imperial transport Mater while flexing...in what now has become part of Disney’s lore…the “Guns of Geppetto”
We made our way back to Toy Story Mania, and were given an honored seat immediately....or was it the FastPass...I'm not sure. Toy Story Mania is an excellent ride and let us all take out our frustrations on Commander Lightyear, the Sinister Sheriff and their gang of outlaws and criminals.
After the ride...to show our supremacy and our total disregard to the Empire... we got more FastPasses and had Darth Bellissima give them out to another family that was about to wait in line.
We left the park, as we had a previous engagement for Darth Bellissima with the Mad Hatter at the Grand Floridian - an event which is known as the "Wonderland Tea Party". We took the bus and got to the Grand Floridian just in time to watch the magnanimous Mad Hatter getting ready to entertain the little ladies.
To our horror, we watched as the party was taken over by Alice, a little girl who is known for having drug induced hallucinations...who would write such a story and then say "I think this will be educational"?
Now, we live by the motto ("what's a motto?" - "Nothing, what's the motto with you?") "Live and Let Live" but an caveat of that is that you need to leave us out of your life
As Darth Bellissima was using an old Jedi mind trick to defend herself against the constant barrage of mushrooms, talking flowers and smoking insects (later she confided in us that she was imagining the brave Scar trying to defend the Pride Lands against his dictator brother) we stepped out to scout the Imperial architectural marvel known as “The Grand Floridian”…as well as have a bite to eat…now that I think back... it was definitely to eat…
We walked around the resort to Gasparilla Grill & Games. The one thing both Cheri and I thought was “glad we didn’t stay here”; we would have to watch the kids like hawks as there are too many things to break. The lunch at Gasparilla was probably one of the best Imperial Quick Serve meals we had that week…maybe because they heard of our adventures at defeating the Empire.
As we went back to get our beloved daughter we had to prove our ownership of her by providing the Imperial Tea Masters with our payment receipt (which we got before she entered)…we, of course did so but for a moment we hesitated… because we could save serious money on the air-fare back...but we're not that cheap (how dare you call us "cheap"?)
We walked into the room the horrid smell of cupcakes and frosting entered our nostrils and to our horror we noticed our poor Darth Bellissima slumped on the table…
did she eat any magic mushrooms?
What have they done to our little princess?
Just as Darth Jacamo was warming up the "Guns of Geppetto" and about to attack using a secret Ninja move he has picked up watching one-too-many times the dance of King Louie...a move which will set an enemy on "man’s-red-fire"... the girls woke up and yelled... in what seemed to us as Imperial dictation...“Surprise”.
In one final blow, the Empire has given our little peanut “gifts” for us to take back…because we were Imperial slaves whose backs are built for hard-labor…flowers and a mug she decorated herself…artifacts Mrs. Crabapple herself would have been proud of (oops…wrong Empire).
To add insult to injury…no lunch at the Wonderland Tea Party – just a cupcake.
Breathing a sigh of relief, again, we made it back to the Animal Kingdom Lodge via the monorail / bus route and got into the Imperial watering hole. Darth Jacamo kept on throwing tantrums…due to the adrenalin pumping through his veins from today’s events…or because he’s two…I’m not sure.
After dinner at The Mara, Cheri took Darth Jacamo to bed while Darth Bellissima and Daddy enjoyed story time next to the fire pit, only to be filmed for the "Imperial Most Wanted" TV show (they claim it was for “stock footage”, but we know the truth)....
...for tomorrow we will be conquering heroes.