Communism, we hardly knew thee

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  Luang Prabang, Lao Peoples Dem Rep
Thursday, November 6, 2008

So we've been here in Lao People's Democratic Republic for a few days now.  I've been packed into their boats, tried on their t-shirts, rented their bicycles, sampled all the whiskey, leeches, and diarrhea they have to offer here, and I feel like I'm starting to get a feel for this place.  Mind you, this is the first and only communist country I've ever experienced, but having walked in their proverbial flip-flops for a couple of days, I feel compelled to report my experiences from the other side of the iron-colored Bamboo Curtain.  The way I see it, just like any other franchised institution (except Chic-Fil-A, cause Communism is open on Sundays!) designed to convince those at the bottom to surrender what little they have to those at the top, your experience at your local communist state should be much the same as mine here (just remember, "venti" means large).
We're always told in the west that while communism is crazy in theory, it's even more of a disaster in practice.  Sure, if you hate rampant poverty and a justice system that, well, let's just say no justice system.  But there are some things that communism does quite well (fresh croissant anyone?  Oh wait, that's left over from Colonialism, not Communism), and I'm sure that they've got some of their best minds chained to the floor in a basement somewhere working out the kinks in the system (that is, of course, after they work out the kinks in their daily quota of Nikes). 
And so, in the interest of sharing the communism I've come to know, I present

Communism: the man behind the legend.

1- Communism thinks that water pressure is for capitalist sissies
2- Communism hates your mouth and wants to burn it right off your face with it's incredibly tasty but even more incredibly spicy papaya salad
3- Communism is working on the humidity problem, but otherwise provides delightful weather
4- Communism really likes the whole moped idea
5- Communism enjoys a Coke, a Sprite, or even a Fanta as much as the rest of us, but is yet to develop a taste for Dr. Pepper or Moutain Dew.
6- Communism loves having cats all over the place
7- Communism produces some of the most beautiful people and waterfalls I've ever seen
8- Communism thinks that you should all be in your homes and guest houses by midnight and will take whatever steps necessary (wink-wink) to ensure that you are.  That is, of course, unless you are at the bowling alley, in which case you can stay out until 2:00 am. (this is actually not made up)
9- Communism doesn't seem to understand the fact that # 8 pretty much explains why Communism never gets laid at the annual U.N. beach weekend in Daytona
10- Why # 4?  Because Communism knows, if nothing else, that anything (20 live chickens, a family of 5, a refridgerator, a whole water buffalo carcass) can be carried on the back of a moped
11- Communism believes that you should have free mini-bananas and Lao Lao (Lao rice whiskey) everywhere you go
12- Communism is apparently pretty damned sure that you will be the one to swerve
13- Communism thinks that the stone age really wasn't all that bad
14- Communism is one hell of a good cook
15- It's not that Communism doesn't trust you, it's that it just doesn't care about you

We're headed to Hanoi in a couple of days, so I'll get to check and make sure the Vietnamese franchise is toeing the company line, and I'll be sure to bring home more in-depth, well-informed political analysis.

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