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  Conakry, Guinea
Monday, September 29, 2008

Only two days left until I leave for the US of A. I'm not sure if I'm still in denial or just taking it better than I expected. For the past two weeks if I think about it for too long I start to have little panic attacks where my heart starts beating faster and my breathing gets shallow. So I can't think about it a lot.  It's mostly excitement but there is definitely some anxiousness mixed in. Not that I was ever a really classy, prissy girl but whatever of that there was in me I believe it is now gone. Wearing the same thing 3 days in a row doesn't phase me; I prefer using a squat latrine (it's more natural); I eat food off the floor if I know it's been swept in the last 24 hours or off my lap if not; the concept of personal space is no longer important; privacy is a thing of the past. I have to apologize if at any point while I'm in America I offend any of you. It is completely unintentional.
To help you all deal with me and my oddness when I return my friend Sarah wrote an instruction manual

Keeping busy

. I email it to some of you and I thought I'd put it on my blog because it amuses me. So here it is:
Dear Jess' American friends and relatives:
            I would like to begin by thanking you for loaning Jess to us ( me specifically) for 27 months-as a token of my appreciation I'm loaning her back to you for a few weeks (Please return her to me...I live in a hut in Africa-I need all the help I can get!) That said, I'm sending her back to you changed...not necessarily worse, but definitely different. For your sake, I am enclosing a brief instruction manual for the "Guinea-anized" SIA KAMANO:
 
1.      She may lapse into Malinke, or French and maybe even Arabic at what seems   like random intervals. Don't be alarmed to hear the phrase, "Ou bien?" at the end of every statement you could ever agree with.
2.      Her legs are obscenely white...even with hot African sun exposure her anti-malarial meds won't let her tan too much-please try to keep her covered (which from experience I know is not an easy task)-or hand out sunglasses to keep her whiteness from blinding unsuspecting passer-bys.
3.      She may try to get you to come closer by making a grabbing motion with her hands and yelling "Na Yan!" Ignore this

Sarah

. However, if she begins to accompany it with kissing/sucking noises in your direction, threaten force feeding of rice and sauce and she will quickly not want you to come closer so quickly.
4.      Speaking of rice: there are some experiences in Africa which we (I speak for all PCV's in our G-15 training group) feel are too painful/traumatizing to be discussed. Don't Don't Don't speak of/eat/ask about RICE and or SAUCE while Sia (alias: Jess) is having her vacation.
 
 
Don't ask questions about # 4, just hear and obey if you don't want to spend your three weeks coaxing our friend out of the fetal position and trying to get her near a table to eat. Don't even tease about this subject; we are all a little sensitive...
 
5.      Snapping your fingers at any point may trigger another traumatizing flashback, details of which I have no time/energy to explain...don't do it unless you want another fetal position, wild eyed response.
6.      Verify outfits before she is allowed in public-Guinea warps all sense of matching.
7.      She may be more willing to use the "bathroom" outdoors in public places...talking up the available running water and hand soap may dissuade her.
8.      It is likely she will use her hands to eat...even if it's an impractical task (think spaghetti) * keep wet naps available
9.      She may tell small children to run little errands and reward them table scraps.
10.  Beware of rock throwing (this rule applies specifically to subjects of #9)
11.  If you happen to come in contact with the expected cheeto binge, just remember that in Africa, there are no cheetos and if you could find them here, you would have to hurry before:
·        a child steals it
·        an animal eats it
·        ants form tunnels through it
·        they melt into a sticky mess
·        the humidity soggs it
·        it grows mold (instantaneous here)
·        a fellow starving PCV eats it
 
12.  Give her Dr. Pepper; it will ease the care-giving process.
13.  Prices will seem ridiculous to her-remind her that you can't discuss the price at the grocery store, and be prepared to intervene the moment you hear "C'est trop cher" or "Il faut diminuer".
14.  She will unthinkingly share info about her digestive process and/or bodily fluids you have no desire to hear. Try to keep your horror to yourself and if in case of mixed company, steer the conversation gently elsewhere. *maybe keeping a secret bag of cheetos will be handy to fill a mouth and stop diarrhea talk in case of #14
15.  She may try to sit on your lap in the passenger seat of a car-remind her that the USA actually has traffic laws AND cops that enforce them. *in case of traffic stops, try to keep her from bargaining with the cop on all the corrupt ways she can think of to get out of the situation. Remind her gently that in America, corruption among cops is rare.
16.  Napping. She is used to a solid afternoon of "repose". Don't schedule any activities between 2PM-6PM.
17.  Greetings might seem odd. Take it in stride when she asks "How are you?" 5 times in the beginning, then at random pauses throughout the conversation.
18.  Tarzan-esque grunt and upward lilt at the end will be the most common response to yes/no questions. Just take your best guess at which answer it is; either way you have a 50/50 chance of being correct.
 
 
While this list may seem extensive, she has remained similar in a few ways I have been informed of by the subject herself:
 
1.      Finagling various food/drink products (and car rides) for free.
2.      Loyalty to the bitter end (or Guinea, which has a tendency to be considered the "bitter end" at times).
3.      Becoming snappy when she's hungry, tired or hot (please just imagine how often THAT is in Africa)
4.      Her "I don't care what you think of me" attitude.
5.      being ready to go for any occasion in 5 minutes *see number 5*
6.      Her stubbornness *sometimes GREAT (I know she'll come back to us), sometimes not so great "No! I'm not pouting. I'm just mad about the principle of the thing.")

Love,

Sarah

So there you have it. I leave October 1st and I'm going to try to post a blog from the airport in Paris to let you in on my impressions of the Western world after an absence of 10 months and then another at the end of what will most certainly be a huge culture shock for me. Until then, peace out.

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