Long Distance Friendship for Dummies

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  Hamilton, New Zealand
Thursday, September 25, 2008

I have done two pretty big moves in my life, I left Calgary for Toronto and I left Toronto for the other side of the world. Both of those decisions were based on personal desires that I don't feel I need to explain to anyone but for some reason I have been made to feel guilty about both of them. Currently living in a country where people's offspring leave for extended 'OE's (Overseas Experiences) all the time and sometimes never come back, settling as far as Canada where they get married and have children and only travel back to NZ once every few years, I am realizing my guilt is totally misplaced.

Our culture doesn't abhor traveling but it certainly doesn't celebrate or expect it like other countries. Here, if 18 year olds don't take off for the other side of the world they are definitely the odd one out. Ninety-nine percent of the over 40's that I have talked to went overseas for a year or more when they were younger and have seen their children/grandchildren do the same. Travel is put on a resume and looked at as experience next to actual work experience, it is valued just as highly.

People here recognize that traveling the world isn't a 24/7 party; it is hard work that involves a lot of skill, resourcefulness and problem solving. I have never worked as hard as I have when trying to navigate myself around a completely foreign country where they don't speak any english and I have no hope in hell of even guessing their language. As travellers we are masters of multitasking; juggling time tables, dates on a calendar, looking months in advance both forwards and backwards as well as planning ahead and living completely in the moment. We are expert financiers, handling a tight budget and managing not to become anorexic waifs at the same time (usually - unless you're in France - I don't know how you manage Sylvia!). We can lose our luggage in Korea and live in sweatpants for two days in 45C heat with 100% humidity, heat rash and jetlag without having a complete mental breakdown (reference: ohh you BIG size!!). We know how to do our laundry ANYWHERE (except maybe the Ganges.. that's just gross) and usually end up hanging it above our bed and being asphyxiated by our underwear in the middle of the night. We can pretty much do anything. And we do. Do anything. ....well.....mostly anything.

Moving right along to the point of this entry...

HOW TO HAVE A LONG DISTANCE FRIENDSHIP WITH ME:

- Don't blame me for leaving. (IE: Well, YOU left the country, not me.)

Speaking personally, I did not leave the country (or the city, for the Calgarians) to 'stick it' to anyone. I did not run away. Shockingly enough, I am insanely curious about this world we live in and I am committed to seeing it before I die. It is so full of wonder and amazement that I can't imagine wanting to stay in one place my entire life and never seeing things like an active volcano. Or experiencing things like riding an Indonesian pony up the side of that volcano. As ridiculously corny as this is: I am a student of life and the world is my classroom. I have chosen, as much as it pains my family, to take the money that could slowly but surely pay for a university education (eventually...heh) and spend it teaching myself about the world. The things I have done and the people I have met have taught me so much more than any four year degree sitting in a class of three hundred could have. I have learned some invaluable lessons. I think, finally, my Dad was able to see just how fascinating travel and hostel life can be when we were sitting with some girls from Sweden talking about their lives there - the economy, the politics, the geography. So much more interesting and real when you're hearing it from someone who lives there rather than reading about it in a book. In my opinion, this is the best education I could be giving myself. (And to calm you down family, this isn't to say I won't ever go back to school!)

- Don't use my decision to leave as an excuse not to write/call/visit. (IE: Well, YOU left the city/country, it's YOUR sole responsibility to keep in touch.)

Note: The 'visit' category isn't expected if I am living somewhere where it costs thousands of dollars to fly there but if I'm in Canada the expectations of a visit are somewhat higher.

That's not fair. If you love someone, regardless of whose decision it was to leave, you keep in contact with them. I am not perfect with the communicating, I know it and will be the first to admit it but it's putting a lot of pressure on me to assume it's only MY responsibility. I have a lot of family, many friends... that's a lot of people to keep up with and I do the best I can while still having a life outside of emails and phone calls. What I am saying is that instead of waiting for someone to say to you "So, what's up?" you should just tell them. I have been told "well, my life isn't half as interesting as yours". Bullshit! It's interesting to me because I'm not living it! I love you and want to hear about your life, regardless if it's the "same old, same old". I promise that though it may not be quick or lengthy, I will respond to any email I get. I love getting emails from my Nana saying things along the lines of "your siblings came over the other day and they did this and this and this and it was so cute and my flowers are so pretty and I bruised my knee the other day and I saw the funniest thing crossing the street". No, it's not diving with sea turtles in Thailand or petting elephants but it makes me smile, laugh and keeps me in contact with people I love which is *interesting* and important. Especially when I'm somewhere foreign and unfamiliar, to get those little vignettes from home about regular stuff....helps on the bad days and adds to the good days.

- COMMUNICATE and be honest.

Long distance is ridiculously hard and a lot of things can get misconstrued, misunderstood or left unsaid and end up being resented. Again, speaking personally, just be honest with me. I can take it. If you want to call me out because I haven't emailed you in three months and you're feeling neglected - DO IT! Fair is fair. I have been known to not answer emails with the sort of attention they deserve because I haven't had time and then forget to come back to them... all you need to do is say "Hey! I want you to really listen to me here and give me a proper answer." That usually works, doesn't it Benita? ;) I don't ever want anyone to feel like I don't care or I'm too busy. It's true that I may not have time Right Then and There because of numerous things (lack of internet access/time difference etc) but if you call me out and say "THIS IS IMPORTANT", I will make time. That's what friends do but sometimes I need that little extra "hello!! over here!!" to help me prioritize. Finally, if you are mad at me for something TELL ME. Please. I can't do anything about anything if I don't know how you feel.

- I like boring!

I've talked about this but I wanted to make it a point on it's own so I could stress that I love all of you and none of your lives are boring to me. I want to hear about them. I'm not at home to experience them and I'm missing out!! I miss all of you and I want to hear about your stupid coworkers or your new apartment or your sad stuff. I'm greedy and the biggest thing I worried about before I left was missing out on the lives of people I love. So help me out! Send me stories about you - I want to be included even if I am a million miles away. You've all had to 'listen' (read) about me over the last months... you know what I'm doing...I want to know what you're doing even if you think it's uninteresting or boring. I don't!
 
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I'm sure there are other good pointers to make but it's really late here and I can't think anymore. I will say that I am allowing myself to let go of the guilt. I'm not doing anything wrong. And this is hard, believe me, so I think I'm also paying a certain price to be living this dream which allows me to live it free of all guilt.

Dear Family: I know you love me soooo much and wish I would just come home already and stay there but Calgary hasn't been my home for a long time and you all know I don't see that changing. It doesn't mean I love you any less or miss you any less but it means that I'm living *my* life and making decisions that are best for me. I know you believe in me and that asking you to stop worrying about me is pointless but maybe you could worry a little less? I take risks but none of them are dangerous or stupid so I think I'm justified in asking for the 'less worried' bit.

Dear Friends: Friends are just chosen family and I adore all of you so though I don't want you to feel obligated to keep in better touch....keep in better touch damnit! I'm not used to not knowing what's going on in your lives and like I said, even if I am not asking you on a weekly basis "so what's going on now?" I still want to know what's going on now. Even short little one liners ' hey - I bought pasta on sale today! I love 50 cent spaghetti!' excite me. Okay, so I'm exaggerating....but I think you get the point.

Main point to all:
I love you, I miss you, talk to me.
xox K

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