Student of Life
Trip Start
May 31, 2008
1
12
28
Trip End
Dec 15, 2008
Hamilton,
New Zealand
Sunday, September 7, 2008
An awakening of the senses is one of the wonders of traveling and being out of your element. I am constantly learning new ways of navigating this city and in doing so, my senses have been tested. I have an obsession with the sky and am hopelessly addicted to the setting sun. I touch everything; running my hand along picket fences, picking petals off of flowers, running dry beans through my fingers. My eyes are wide open and when I close them, they bring up the shadows of my favourite memories. The air is always fragrant; with flowers, dinner cooking, rain swollen clouds. Sometimes I walk with my eyes shut just for a moment to give myself a break from the sensory overload. It's amazing how much your brain devours and processes when everything is new and unfamiliar.
Another wonder is that I get to be anonymous. I get to have moments that are totally and completely my own. Only mine. I'm sure you're all familiar with the philosophy question: "If a tree falls in a wood and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" I could ask the same of life: "If you live a life that no one is witness to, are you really living?" Why are people so obsessed with marking the passage of time with words, pictures, video. We feel the urge to have a polaroid of every moment, freeze framing the passing seconds in order to have proof that they ever existed. That we exist.
By living so far away and traveling as much as I do, I am asking my family to trust me To give me these selfish moments of complete and utter anonymity to live a life all my own. I am accountable to myself first and all others second. There is freedom in that which most people recognize, some people admire and many people envy. What isn't realized is that there is also an exercised caution in living a life only for one's self. That I really don't do whatever I want to do, when I want to do it. That my life isn't a stereotypical neverending backpacker party. And that at twenty-four, I sometimes wish I weren't so responsible. So cautious. But a female traveling alone really can't afford to be anything but.
Of course, with anonymity comes loneliness. There is a large difference between -alone- and -lonely-. I am often alone and I enjoy it. But there is nothing enjoyable about loneliness. I have learned one important thing in my time living here, it is going to take something significant to get me to move away from Toronto permanently. I don't have the endless energy it takes to create a new life for myself all over again. I miss my friends (I miss my family too but I'm used to only seeing you guys once a year) and that feeling of *home* you always get in the presence of a real friend.
Before I left, I thought I might want to go back to school in another city (well, to be fair, I haven't ruled out the UK as of yet if it's still possible to get an ancestry visa) or move to Montreal (I love Montreal) for a while and get better at my french. Now, however, I'm pretty sure that though I may leave for months and months at a time, I will (most likely) always go back to Toronto. It's the home I chose.
The older you get the more effort, time and energy it takes to create meaningful relationships with people. It's exhausting and I'm very tired. It takes a lot out of a person to be constantly trying to integrate yourself into other people's lives in hopes of creating a bond between you. I have made friends here but they're only skin deep and as I start preparing to leave this city, I feel a bit relieved that I can just give up. It was like I was pushing a boulder uphill and now I can just step out of the way and let it roll back down.
That isn't to say I got nothing out of the people I've met/worked with, not in the least. I've spent the last few months being a Human observer. I've watched people act and react, behaviour is fascinating even when it's supposedly "normal". I have been touched by a handful of people I've met and amazed by the kindness of complete strangers juxtaposed by some unexplainable behaviour as well.
I may have left university because of the way I was taught.. or not taught as the case may be... but this trip is certainly teaching me just how to be a learner. Another cliche proven true: "You learn something new, every day."
Miss you all,
xox K
Comments
By request
Adventure is an elusive beast, and different for every person. My adventures are detailed and often hidden - like a journey through a microscope to the heart of a ticking watch - but are no less dramatic or thrilling than 'larger' adventures.
Indeed, who can define the size of an adventure? The span of exhilaration is measured by the soul of the adventurer alone.
M.
same same
Can I just copy and paste your entire blog?